Big fat red F

According to Merriam-Webster, failure is omission of occurrence or performance, a lack of success, or a falling short. These are the words that have marred my thoughts in the last week. 

My last blog was about my ability to fight, my ability to trust in who God has made me to be and the gifts He's given me. I haven't lost those truths, but every day gets a little harder for me to keep fighting. It's not even a fight for my identity as much as it's a fight for my sanity. 

(sometimes we fail when it seems so obvious)

I had this idea that moving was going to be great, that we'd come home and reconnect and I'd be on the job front quickly and something would come quickly. I had expectations that it would be easy and I totally forgot what the job hunt looks like. I didn't really know these expectations existed because it just all seemed natural. We've moved across the country twice before and there have been hard times, but there's always the excitement of the move that replaces other emotions until you arrive. 

 

After being here for three weeks, there are realities that are setting in, like the lack of a routine or schedule to fill my day. Many people encourage me to enjoy this time for what it is because having a job will make it busy again. I understand that, but it's hard to fully do that when I know my household relies on a second income. 

So I've started processing the thought that this move has been a failure. 

Here me out on this. We didn't have this thunderclap of the Lord telling us it was time to move home. There was no writing in the sky. We moved because our hearts were ready to be back with family. We believed in the timing and believe that the Lord loves us. We believe He will bless us no matter where we are because we can do His will everywhere. In essence, we took a step of faith, believing in His love and favor over us. The only way that really translates into failure is because it doesn't look exactly the way I wanted it in the time I expected it.

I would rather keep moving forward, keep stepping out in faith and trying things instead of living a life that is safe. I would rather jump with Him and watch as He carries my wings to heights I wouldn't have imagined. So while it may look like failure because it falls short of my expectations, I'm choosing to see this as a positive step of faith.

Do I measure up?

Hello, my name is Rochelle and I'm a social media stalker.

Blogs, Instagram, Twitter, Reddit - I stalk all of them (except Facebook - ewwwwww). Once in a while I try to actually engage and leave comments or post, but that's not the norm.

I think that I stalk because I love a good story, a good encouraging quote or meme that reminds me that I'm not alone in thinking that this world is really a pretty great place. More than anything, stories remind me that the people we live with day in and day out are just as real as I am. Stories help me to connect with people, whether they realize I'm trying to connect with them or not. When I meet new people I love hearing about their lives. I love keeping in touch with old friends and hearing how the Lord has directed their journey. Stories are really important to me because they provide me with greater understanding.

The downside of stalking on social media and hearing stories is when I start comparing their accomplishments to my life. There are many, many people who have done a lot more than I have in less time. Most days it's fine because it's really interesting to hear the dreams God gives and watch them unfold, or to hear how they fill their days and live intentionally. There are other days when I begin to question myself and wonder, am I really measuring up? Am I really doing everything that I'm supposed to be doing? Am I dreaming as big as God is dreaming and allowing Him to work in my life to the fullest extent? Am I challenging myself to be everything that I can possibly be? These are not fun questions to ask because I don't always come up with the answers I want, or any answers at all.

This week I've started looking for a new job and these questions are also part of that journey. I recognize that there are many other people applying for the same jobs that I'm applying for and hoping for the same outcome. I also recognize that I'm not climbing the corporate ladder as fast as some of my colleagues and I have no idea how to go faster. There's also that little nagging concern about how high the ladder goes, and how high I really want to climb.

What I've been thankful for is that right now it's pretty easy to remind myself that I am enough. God only made one of me and I'm pretty sure He's quite happy with the person I am. I know that I am unique and that's all He's ever wanted for me. I'm writing these thoughts so I don't forget them, just in case the perfect job doesn't fall into my lap as soon as I'd like. It's my reminder that every story is unique, including mine.

We're back!

In late December, 2006, Danny and I moved to Orlando so he could get his degree. From there the Lord took us to Los Angeles where we've spent the last 5.5 years. As of the Monday before Thanksgiving, we are excited to be back in Northern Indiana with our parents, siblings, and nieces and nephews close by. Check out a few pictures from our drive!

Luxor Hotel where we stayed

 Bellagio Fountain on the Vegas Strip

 Stone Structure in Utah

 Millers Canyon in Utah

 Tumbleweed in Nebraska. We had one stuck in the grill for a while!

Welcome to the journey

The last year is something I'm still trying to put into words and in the midst of moving across the country (a separate post to come), I'm realizing that I need to "find" myself. I don't like using those words because a few years ago the Lord walked me through a beautiful season of truly finding my identity in Him. I don't like to discredit it, or to think that it needs to happen again, so I'm trying to see this as something different.

Having Jonathan has literally changed me but I haven't pinpointed what's different. I've been allowing myself space and time and I'm thankful for what that's meant for our marriage, and for me. Over a year has passed now and as we start fresh in Indiana, I feel like I'm finally ready to find myself, again. I want to know and understand the ways I've changed and the ways I've stayed the same. I want to find out what's important to me again, and to feel like myself again. It's like I need to date myself, to start from scratch and learn about me from the beginning.

Back to school, back to school...

Between work, friends, family, and anniversaries, I've been learning some things recently. Are you seated? Ok, good, because it's a long one.

Quick Background

In case you didn't know, I'm an extravert, which means that I like people. I like spending time with people and talking to people, a lot! Then there's Danny. He's an introvert, which means that he likes being by himself. I love this man dearly but he will be the first person to tell you that people are not what makes his world go round.

Community

After Jonathan passed, Danny and I stepped out of church and community group because we needed space to grieve and just be. We spent some much needed time together and it was glorious. In those following days and weeks I found myself experiencing emotions, which isn't really normal for me. You see, I've always been the strong one emotionally, the one everyone comes to for help, the one everyone relies on to carry them through. That really didn't leave me a lot of space for my emotions and I was good with my role. Losing my son helped me to see that I needed to experience anger and hurt and pain and sorrow, that I needed to share these emotions and have them validated.

Instead of turning to others, I turned to my husband. He really provided the space for me to be open, to be honest, and to actually feel. The first time I cried he smiled at me and told me how good it was that I was experiencing emotions. He was even more excited when I shared my anger because it meant I was real! It was so good for us to focus on each other. It built an even greater foundation than the one we already had, and I gained a much deeper respect for introverts.

After a year, my extroverted tendencies started to return. I started realizing that I do need some other people in my life. As we're not in church on Sunday mornings I've realized I need opportunities to intentionally talk about Jesus. There are questions that I still wrestle with, like how in the world prayer works and how I know who God is and yet still have moments where I feel like I don't get it. Church for me is now having these discussions with friends, talking freely and being able to share opinions without being judged.

In the process of spending more time with people outside of my husband, I'm learning that boundaries are important. There was something beautiful that we built in the last year and it's not something either of us wants to lose. I see how easily I can go back to busy tendencies and it's still hard for me to say no to people. I'm learning that friendships are important, but our marriage is worth building boundaries for our protection.

Fitness. Exercise. Healthy eating.

This section is frustrating. Weight has always been something I've been keenly aware of in my life. I was an athletic kid and played two sports in high school, but I never felt confident with my body. Then there was Texas and the internship, where I had no self-control and ate everything that I was given. Did I mention I also sat on my butt for 6-8 hours every day? Yeah, recipe for disaster. Hello freshman 15! I was super excited when I came home for college and walked everywhere, had the ability to watch my portions, and was able to eat fresh vegetables and salads. I was excited to have time to exercise and returned to my high school weight.

Fast forward 7 years. I got sick before a friends wedding and hit the smallest number on the scale I've ever seen. It was fabulous! And it didn't last. I went back to holding steady at my high school weight. Not a number that I love and one that I'm always interested in improving.

Then there's this amazing season where I got pregnant and had these gross feelings where food was the only thing that made me feel better. I wasn't trying to eat everything in sight, but man, there were days when I was so hungry. I wasn't really concerned about gaining weight. That's just what happens when you get pregnant, right?!

The crappy part about having a child that dies is dealing with the weight that sticks around because it's a constant reminder of what I lost. A few pounds came off within a couple months but not what I was hoping for. Even though Danny bought me a FitBit for my birthday almost a year ago, I still struggle with my weight. I recognize that I haven't been the most disciplined or motivated person when it comes to eating right and moving my body. I'm back to sitting behind a desk again, which definitely doesn't help the situation. I've seen smaller numbers, but most days it's a number I really don't like.

I question this weight a lot. Am I unable to lose it because it's connected to Jonathan, or because I don't like myself, or just because it's a normal part of a post-pregnancy body? I'm starting to think through the emotions that are part of weight loss and learning about how I'm affected by them.

Writing

Once upon a time... that's how I should start, right? Fore score and seven years ago... a little more formal? How about we sit down over a cup of coffee and share life? There's a part of my heart, bigger than I'm comfortable sharing these days, that would be overjoyed to do that. There's this project that I've been working on for longer than I care to share (months... oh fine, years), and it's ready to be completed. There's so, so much that I don't know, so much that I have to learn in order to make it worthwhile. Part of it is continually learning how to write and how to make it real. This probably includes being a little more emotional and vulnerable than I'm ready for at times but I see the greatness that real life brings and I want to be part of it. So learning about this journey of writing and self-publishing (yep, there it is) is part of this season.

What about you? What are you learning?

Happy Birthday Jonathan

I remember being so happy when you born. In the midst of you not being alive, not breathing, I remember such a peace and joy about your birth. It was this long awaited thing and there was so much wrapped up in it because of your birth defects and diagnosis. But you were absolutely beautiful. This perfect little person. And there was great joy in who you were. Nothing else mattered except that you were with us. 

Happy Birthday little man. You are loved beyond words. We wish we had more time with you and can't wait for heaven.

The promise

Suffering sucks. It's not nice or fun. It hurts.

A wise man helped me this week to understand that Jonathan is my first real tragedy. There have been other troubles in my life, hard times, but his life is the one that has rocked me to the core. I've been resting for the past 9 months, and that has been so good. As I keep living though, there was the realization that there is work that needs to be done. There is discontentment with the outcome that changes the relationship. This friend talked about the grief wall, hitting that place that rocks our core. The choice we make about whether we process and walk through it, or back away from it, affects our lives forever.

As I'm processing this morning I thought about how we're promised suffering in the Bible. God doesn't ever paint a world for us that doesn't involve suffering. He's straightforward with us. What I find so lovely though is the end of the sentence.

"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Learning how to trust again means going back to His truth. It means looking at the black and white that I knew and figuring out what it looks like in the midst of gray. It's not a place of clear cut answers. It's a place of wrestling. I'm thankful that God is ok with my wrestling, probably really likes it actually because it means time with Him and that's really what He's excited about.

Are you wrestling? Do you know someone who's wrestling? I encourage you to be real, to be honest, to question things, and to respect the answers of those you don't agree with. We can't be afraid of open discourse where we might end up at different places.

Honest wrestling

I've struggled with knowing how to pray for a while now. I've come to this new understanding of the Lord, and it's pretty great because his love has been magnified. I get him now more than ever in my life. That changes the way I pray because I know that I'm His daughter and He wants my best more than I do.

So today I'm journaling (read processing and/or praying) and thinking about how we're not content and don't have these things we desire and wondering about how to pray for them. That's when I realize that part of why I don't know how to pray anymore is because as much as I know this God of mine and His amazing goodness, I may not actually trust Him as much as I used to. There's this whole problem with my son dying that I have to come to terms with.

We prayed for his healing, for all the defects in his little body to be complete and whole. But it didn't happen. The weirdest part is that I don't blame God because I know the truth about living in a fallen world and I believe that God wanted Jonathan with us more than we did. But more than ever before I realize how it has affected my faith and my prayer life. I don't trust Him to answer like I used to.

I have been blessed with the gift of faith, but I'm not sure where it's at right now. So that affects how I pray, what I ask for, or whether I ask at all. I'm able to say thank you but there's a lack of faith that I'm not sure how to fix right now.

Funny enough, I'd rather be in this place of wrestling to figure it out than without Him. I can't deny Him. He's still rooted deep within my soul, but this is an effect I haven't dealt with yet.

I can only encourage you to be real about your faith and your questions. It may not be fun, but I'm believing that it's worth it.

Forever

He's still part of me. He still affects my emotions, my feelings, and my actions. What I'm able to do, able to give, has changed. I think it's for a season, but I'm not positive. I recognize my limitations now more than ever before. Today I had to acknowledge my inabilities. I kind of hate them, but I have to recognize that they are real. 

I can't be at a friends baby shower. 

I can't meet a friends new baby. 

I can't attend a camp and give fully of myself. 

I can trust The Lord for restoration. I can rely on Him for hope when I feel like mine get smashed against the rocks. Like this week when I thought there was a chance, but a test told me there was no such thing. 

I'm learning to be honest with myself, with my emotions, and with others. I'm still learning how to trust others to care enough, how to be vulnerable. I'm learning how to not protect everyone else and to care about myself a little bit more. I'm learning what I need, what my heart truly desires. I'm also learning to do the things my heart beats for. 

Jonathan is in my subconscious all of the time and I'm thankful for the moments when he's allowed in the conscious. I am ony strong because I find my strength in The Lord, because I am allowing Him to touch and mold this horrible loss. 

Safe place

A woman gave her testimony at church this week, one of brokenness. My story is not like hers, but she brought hope. Jesus is hope. 

I'm different. The way I live is different. The way I interact with others is different. The way I interact with Jesus is different. I haven't known exactly what to do with all of that, especially as we figure out church. Being in this place on Sunday though, with this body of believers who were surrounding this woman with love and grace: I was safe. I cried. And cried. And cried. I cried like I haven't in months. I cried like I didn't know I needed to. I cried because I felt safe to cry, safe to let it all out. I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't receive any hugs or prayer. I just met Jesus. 

Jesus is hope. Though my faith has not waivered, though I stand firm in what I believe, how I interact with that truth has changed. And yet Jesus met me there. He is my hope. He heals the brokenhearted. Psalm 56:8 says that he keeps track of every sorrow and collects all my tears. Isaiah 53:4 says that he has borne our grief and carried our sorrow. Matthew 5:4 says blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted. 

Jesus is hope, my hope. He will restore me. He will heal my broken heart. He will walk with me and carry me. He will not fail me. He will not forget me. Though I may have forgotten these words, He never left me. 

Do not give up. There is hope for restoration, for your future. Your mourning will turn into laughter, your sorrow into joy. Mine hasn't yet, not completely, but I know in whom my hope resides. I know I am safe in His arms, and so are you. I praise God today for time to weep and time to worship. 

Be

Do you have ever have that feeling where you need to vent your feelings? And it's not enough to vent them to a journal? I have this nagging feeling that I need to put out there for the world some of what's going on within me.

It seems strange, even to me, that the most recent things I have written still revolve around grief. Then I remember that it's only been 6 months and I don't feel so odd.

My experience. That's the only one I can share fully. I'm sure it's different, but maybe for someone it's similar. Maybe it provides hope to someone. Maybe it helps someone to see that they're not cracked. I know I feel it sometimes.

If you know me, you know that I am a shell of the person I used to be. My life before this time consisted of people. My nights, my weekends, my every waking moment was lived planning and scheduling people into my life. My husband was affected by this, but I didn't realize it. I was living the life I'd always lived, feeding off the relationships I was pouring into. I felt needed and probably didn't know the word "no." I didn't see any problem with this. I enjoyed it.

Today my world is drastically different, and I couldn't be happier. I find myself still speaking truth into people's lives, but only on occasion. It is no longer my desire to be surrounded by others. I enjoy nights like the one I'm currently in, where I sit with my husband and have a chat on the balcony listening to the Blues station my dad shared. I find peace in just being. I need rest after time with people, especially those who do not know the story. I am not myself in groups. I hold back, disengaging when I used to thrive.

I can't tell you the exact reason for the change though I have an idea. I do know the timing of the change. I'm thankful for the time, for the ability to process and feel in ways I never have before. As I see lives move on around me though, sometimes I feel stuck. I desire the things I'm missing. I listen to parents. I see babies. I experience greater joy upon birth than ever before, and yet the deepest sadness.

Some people get mad at God, or frustrated. I have no anger toward the one who created me. I know who He is. I know He's good and faithful. Even though my life looks nothing like what it used to, and there are things I greatly desire, He is not at fault for not having them. We live in a sinful, fallen world and there are crazy effects of that. They suck. They make life difficult at times. That doesn't change my Father though. And even though my relationship with Him looks drastically different than ever before, I'm so thankful that He hasn't changed.

Know that you're not alone. Know that He's got great plans for you. He loves you ever so dearly and wants your absolute best. He wants to hold you, walk with you, and take your worries. There is nothing in this life that will fulfill you like Him, and there is no place that will provide rest like Him. You are not crazy. You are not strange. Know Him, and be.

Teeter-totter

Balance is something we all strive for and, if you're like me, probably don't feel like you have achieved it very often. For me, this week was a reminder of how a little 1.5 pound man came into my life for a brief moment, and changed it forever. I'm thankful for the change, for the transition into a new season, and for the balance coming from it.

To achieve this balance I've taken some things out of my life, and I've found freedom and contentment in their place. Though I don't show my emotions very often outwardly, I am finding that my emotions are actually swayed pretty easily on the inside. More than anything, this causes discontentment in my life. Being a doer, an action person, also affects this. If you give me a list, my biggest goal of the day will include checking off everything on it. Even if the things on that list aren't life-giving, or necessary, they still need to be done.

This balance, and removal, process affects every part of my life. I'm figuring out what is necessary, what is good, what gives life, and what doesn't. I'm taking inventory of what I put into my life, what I allow into my life, and if it's needed or not. Ultimately, I'm working on taking care of my heart and finding contentment. I'm learning to say no and to set up boundaries. This means that I'm learning, slowly, how to not do everything and make everyone else happy.

1 Thessalonians 4:11 (ESV) and to aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands, as we instructed you

1 Timothy 2:2-3 (ESV) for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior

How are you finding balance? 

How are you practicing self-care?

Rose Parade

Since living in California, there are many things we have not done, many things we have not experienced, so we have decided to do as much as possible now. First on that list was the Rose Bowl Parade. You can set up camp at 11am on Dec. 31 on the streets of Pasadena. Since I had to work, we decided to go over around 2am and see what we could find. It's an experience I recommend having at least once, but here's what we learned:

1. figure out where to park before you get there

2. do not sit close to a tow truck entrance to the parade

3. sit on the south side of Colorado (we faced the sun on the north side)

If you decide to go in the middle of the night, using a sleeping bag as a cocoon worked great to keep me warm. Many people brought along propane tanks with heaters attached and heat lamps like you see at restaurants. You don't need any lights because of the streetlights. Even the people who showed up behind us around 4:30am or so were in the third row, which still isn't that bad. More than anything, be respectful to the people who have been there longer than you and don't stand in front of them.