Sunday, December 29, 2013

Merry-go-round

One of the biggest things I'm learning with grief is that it's not a journey that goes in a straight line. Grief weaves in and out of your life, bringing memories when you least expect it. The best way I've heard grief explained is like a merry-go-round. You never know where the ride is going to stop.

If you're walking with someone through grief, give them space to share. Care about the words they say, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. I won't promise you it's fun, but being there for someone as they grieve makes you a pretty amazing person because it's not something that very many people do.

For me, I know people care when they listen when I'm real, and don't just move on through my answer without acknowledging what I've said. I know people care when they tell me they think of Jonathan, or they remember what would have been his due date. I know people care when they join me in my memories and recognize that this journey isn't over. We received a balloon and a card for Christmas from a woman who has a website because she lost a child. I don't know how she got our name, and it was hard to receive at first because I hadn't been thinking about Jonathan and what his one year birthday would look like, but I'm thankful for it now. I'm thankful that someone was remembering him, us, and our story.

I'm sure grief looks different for everyone, and it's not something I expect everyone I know to walk with me through. I simply encourage you to be gentle with those who have lost someone. Find out from them what they need, and how you can continue to care for them. I appreciate the people who help me laugh every day, and am thankful that it's some of those same people who provide space for me to be real.

One day at a time, one day at a time.


Monday, December 16, 2013

Land mines

I know right?! Who chooses a title like that?

I appreciate that the Lord never fails us and never forgets about (forsakes) us. I have to admit that I don't always appreciate His timing.

I'm finding that it's actually not a lack of trust and faith in Him right now, but a lack of practice and living it. We very consciously took ourselves out of community and focused on our marriage. Our marriage needed that time, was blessed by that time. Without that intentional meeting of people together on a weekly basis though, I don't find myself talking about my faith as much.

Community is about living together with people, learning together with like-minded people, discussing life and the Lord and how it all works together. There's always a time of prayer and always space to encourage one another and be encouraged. Outside of an intentional group, it's funny how those key components don't happen. Encouragement and prayer should flow from us as Christians, but it doesn't. Maybe I'll leave that for another post.

What I'm finding right now is that I actually don't have a lack of faith and trust in the One that I've known my whole life. I have a lack of practice, a lack of living it. I also have frustrations because there are some unanswered prayers, or at least prayers I've wanted answered specifically that didn't happen the way I was hoping for. So I'm not over it, I'm not through it. There's still stuff, but I'm learning what the real stuff is.

Those land mines? I'm gonna call them all the ways in which I'm not content. I'm also gonna call them all the ways in which I feel like I get to fix it, when in reality I need to continue to let Him fix it. There's a lot of things I want right now that I don't have - hello discontentment. Some of those things I feel like I can touch, like I can be part of the solution. It can be good for me to get involved, but I have to continually remind myself, and be reminded, that I'm not superwoman. I'm not God.

So the journey continues. The one where I focus on Him and choose faith daily. The one where I choose to be intentional about talking to Him and giving him my wants because He's ultimately the one I trust to take care of them. The one where I choose to be intentional about sharing this life, giving and receiving encouragement. The one where I choose to let Him do the work because it's part of who He is. The one where I trust the Holy Spirit to lead me in Daddy's timing and stop trying to just do it my way.