Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Big God, p114-115

This rattles me every time I read it. It's a long excerpt, but so good.

The Myth of Security
Not only did Jesus say that we should love Him more than anyone else, He also, "Whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel's will save it." (Mark 8:35) We must surrender our lives to Him to find a life worth living, but something gets in the way - our need to control. Uh-oh. We all have it, don't we? We have a real need to control and to be in control, because if we feel that we're in control, then it perpetuates the myth of security in our lives. All of us have bought into that idea that we can be secure somehow - it's part of the American dream! But notice I called it the "myth" of security. It's a myth because you can never know what waits around the corner. We each create our own infrastructure and build up walls around us that appear to provide security. But no matter how hard we try, that security is just a myth. You have no idea what tomorrow holds. You may lose your job, your home, your spouse, all that you hold dear.
The security, a core ideology of Americans, so important to us is really a myth because of the unknown. And yet this sense of security causes us to take risks for our benefit all the time. We tell ourselves, "I built up this nest egg. Therefore, I can do this for myself and I'll be okay." But simultaneously this myth of security paralyzes us from taking risks for God, because we think, "I've got it together! I have a comfortable life and a little nest egg set aside. I can't risk that. I can't put it all on the line and go do that new thing You're calling me to do, God. I can't lay aside the family business. I can't lay aside that house. I can't aside these comforts." We get paralyzed by that satanic, false sense of security. And God wants to deal with that. Because the only secuirty we can truly have is found in the person of Jesus Christ and the gospel of God, the only real security. As Christians we need to be willing to take risks according to that reality - risks that bring glory to God and benefit His kingdom, instead of benefiting us.

Read it. Big God by Britt Merrick. "What happens when we trust Him"

Sunday, October 17, 2010

to believe or not to believe

Danny now works at Chop, Cut, Rebuild doing editing. He enjoys the work, but it's an hours drive away in Anaheim without traffic. It should take him through December sometime; hopefully their word is better than the other place's.

I started back at Lassen Friday. It was good to be back and feel welcomed by everyone. I'm thankful to have my full hours back finally.

I'm reading Big God with a friend and doing the study guide that comes with it. It's challenging me more than the first time I tried to read it because of the study guide and thinking through how much I actually trust God. This is a great time to read it, considering the circumstances we're in with jobs. I thought I was good, thought that I trusted God thoroughly and was ready to not have stability still. Then Danny's work got switched and we started talking about the future.

We want to have a family. We're ready. But financially we're not. And I know; finances will never be perfect. We're not waiting for perfection. When we first moved here I had to learn to let go of stability and comfort. I got to that point, and I was fine with living completely in the unknown, going with the flow of whatever work was coming in, or wasn't coming in. God always provided, ALWAYS. But when it comes to having a family, to adding children to the mix, we want to be as wise as possible. When we struggle to pay bills for the two of us and Cooper, how can we add a child into that mix? I'm struggling with wanting jobs for both of us that provide financial stability to pay down debt and feel a little more comfortable, wanting jobs that have insurance because there are lots of dr's visits with pregnancy, and jobs that would last longer than a few months here and there. I'm struggling with wanting these things and wondering if it's ok to want them or not. I know that God has called us here and I've learned what that looks like for the two (three with Cooper) of us. Now I'm wondering what that looks like to add one more. I have no answers. I realized that adding a child is the thing that throws me off. I trust God for Danny and I. It's been ridiculous being in LA, honestly. It's been a huge faith journey where we trust God regularly for work to pay the bills and get through another month. Like I said, He's always provided. Now it's a matter of trusting Him to add another one to our little family. Do I trust Him enough to stay in LA?

Along with this comes the questions of promise and suffering. Suffering is part of the Christian walk. If anyone tells you it's not, they're lying to you. Since being here, we've definitely been blessed but it's been a constant struggle. There have been weeks at a time where it's been easier, but it's never lasted. God also promises us a lot of good in His word. How do those two work together?

I don't have answers. I wonder about LA and staying. We don't feel called to leave yet. There are things to do here, people to love. And there's a big "but" hanging in the silence. I've been thinking through this for a couple weeks now. It's hard. I was reminded this morning though that I have a God that is big enough to take my questions, and loves me enough to want me to find the answers. Keep letting go right? Keep trusting? Keep believing? Without answers? Keep walking by faith, even when it feels about the size of a mustard seed?

Praying.