Big fat red F

According to Merriam-Webster, failure is omission of occurrence or performance, a lack of success, or a falling short. These are the words that have marred my thoughts in the last week. 

My last blog was about my ability to fight, my ability to trust in who God has made me to be and the gifts He's given me. I haven't lost those truths, but every day gets a little harder for me to keep fighting. It's not even a fight for my identity as much as it's a fight for my sanity. 

(sometimes we fail when it seems so obvious)

I had this idea that moving was going to be great, that we'd come home and reconnect and I'd be on the job front quickly and something would come quickly. I had expectations that it would be easy and I totally forgot what the job hunt looks like. I didn't really know these expectations existed because it just all seemed natural. We've moved across the country twice before and there have been hard times, but there's always the excitement of the move that replaces other emotions until you arrive. 

 

After being here for three weeks, there are realities that are setting in, like the lack of a routine or schedule to fill my day. Many people encourage me to enjoy this time for what it is because having a job will make it busy again. I understand that, but it's hard to fully do that when I know my household relies on a second income. 

So I've started processing the thought that this move has been a failure. 

Here me out on this. We didn't have this thunderclap of the Lord telling us it was time to move home. There was no writing in the sky. We moved because our hearts were ready to be back with family. We believed in the timing and believe that the Lord loves us. We believe He will bless us no matter where we are because we can do His will everywhere. In essence, we took a step of faith, believing in His love and favor over us. The only way that really translates into failure is because it doesn't look exactly the way I wanted it in the time I expected it.

I would rather keep moving forward, keep stepping out in faith and trying things instead of living a life that is safe. I would rather jump with Him and watch as He carries my wings to heights I wouldn't have imagined. So while it may look like failure because it falls short of my expectations, I'm choosing to see this as a positive step of faith.