Be

Do you have ever have that feeling where you need to vent your feelings? And it's not enough to vent them to a journal? I have this nagging feeling that I need to put out there for the world some of what's going on within me.

It seems strange, even to me, that the most recent things I have written still revolve around grief. Then I remember that it's only been 6 months and I don't feel so odd.

My experience. That's the only one I can share fully. I'm sure it's different, but maybe for someone it's similar. Maybe it provides hope to someone. Maybe it helps someone to see that they're not cracked. I know I feel it sometimes.

If you know me, you know that I am a shell of the person I used to be. My life before this time consisted of people. My nights, my weekends, my every waking moment was lived planning and scheduling people into my life. My husband was affected by this, but I didn't realize it. I was living the life I'd always lived, feeding off the relationships I was pouring into. I felt needed and probably didn't know the word "no." I didn't see any problem with this. I enjoyed it.

Today my world is drastically different, and I couldn't be happier. I find myself still speaking truth into people's lives, but only on occasion. It is no longer my desire to be surrounded by others. I enjoy nights like the one I'm currently in, where I sit with my husband and have a chat on the balcony listening to the Blues station my dad shared. I find peace in just being. I need rest after time with people, especially those who do not know the story. I am not myself in groups. I hold back, disengaging when I used to thrive.

I can't tell you the exact reason for the change though I have an idea. I do know the timing of the change. I'm thankful for the time, for the ability to process and feel in ways I never have before. As I see lives move on around me though, sometimes I feel stuck. I desire the things I'm missing. I listen to parents. I see babies. I experience greater joy upon birth than ever before, and yet the deepest sadness.

Some people get mad at God, or frustrated. I have no anger toward the one who created me. I know who He is. I know He's good and faithful. Even though my life looks nothing like what it used to, and there are things I greatly desire, He is not at fault for not having them. We live in a sinful, fallen world and there are crazy effects of that. They suck. They make life difficult at times. That doesn't change my Father though. And even though my relationship with Him looks drastically different than ever before, I'm so thankful that He hasn't changed.

Know that you're not alone. Know that He's got great plans for you. He loves you ever so dearly and wants your absolute best. He wants to hold you, walk with you, and take your worries. There is nothing in this life that will fulfill you like Him, and there is no place that will provide rest like Him. You are not crazy. You are not strange. Know Him, and be.