Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Back to school, back to school...

Between work, friends, family, and anniversaries, I've been learning some things recently. Are you seated? Ok, good, because it's a long one.

Quick Background


In case you didn't know, I'm an extravert, which means that I like people. I like spending time with people and talking to people, a lot! Then there's Danny. He's an introvert, which means that he likes being by himself. I love this man dearly but he will be the first person to tell you that people are not what makes his world go round.

Community


After Jonathan passed, Danny and I stepped out of church and community group because we needed space to grieve and just be. We spent some much needed time together and it was glorious. In those following days and weeks I found myself experiencing emotions, which isn't really normal for me. You see, I've always been the strong one emotionally, the one everyone comes to for help, the one everyone relies on to carry them through. That really didn't leave me a lot of space for my emotions and I was good with my role. Losing my son helped me to see that I needed to experience anger and hurt and pain and sorrow, that I needed to share these emotions and have them validated.

Instead of turning to others, I turned to my husband. He really provided the space for me to be open, to be honest, and to actually feel. The first time I cried he smiled at me and told me how good it was that I was experiencing emotions. He was even more excited when I shared my anger because it meant I was real! It was so good for us to focus on each other. It built an even greater foundation than the one we already had, and I gained a much deeper respect for introverts.

After a year, my extroverted tendencies started to return. I started realizing that I do need some other people in my life. As we're not in church on Sunday mornings I've realized I need opportunities to intentionally talk about Jesus. There are questions that I still wrestle with, like how in the world prayer works and how I know who God is and yet still have moments where I feel like I don't get it. Church for me is now having these discussions with friends, talking freely and being able to share opinions without being judged.

In the process of spending more time with people outside of my husband, I'm learning that boundaries are important. There was something beautiful that we built in the last year and it's not something either of us wants to lose. I see how easily I can go back to busy tendencies and it's still hard for me to say no to people. I'm learning that friendships are important, but our marriage is worth building boundaries for our protection.

Fitness. Exercise. Healthy eating.


This section is frustrating. Weight has always been something I've been keenly aware of in my life. I was an athletic kid and played two sports in high school, but I never felt confident with my body. Then there was Texas and the internship, where I had no self-control and ate everything that I was given. Did I mention I also sat on my butt for 6-8 hours every day? Yeah, recipe for disaster. Hello freshman 15! I was super excited when I came home for college and walked everywhere, had the ability to watch my portions, and was able to eat fresh vegetables and salads. I was excited to have time to exercise and returned to my high school weight.

Fast forward 7 years. I got sick before a friends wedding and hit the smallest number on the scale I've ever seen. It was fabulous! And it didn't last. I went back to holding steady at my high school weight. Not a number that I love and one that I'm always interested in improving.

Then there's this amazing season where I got pregnant and had these gross feelings where food was the only thing that made me feel better. I wasn't trying to eat everything in sight, but man, there were days when I was so hungry. I wasn't really concerned about gaining weight. That's just what happens when you get pregnant, right?!

The crappy part about having a child that dies is dealing with the weight that sticks around because it's a constant reminder of what I lost. A few pounds came off within a couple months but not what I was hoping for. Even though Danny bought me a FitBit for my birthday almost a year ago, I still struggle with my weight. I recognize that I haven't been the most disciplined or motivated person when it comes to eating right and moving my body. I'm back to sitting behind a desk again, which definitely doesn't help the situation. I've seen smaller numbers, but most days it's a number I really don't like.

I question this weight a lot. Am I unable to lose it because it's connected to Jonathan, or because I don't like myself, or just because it's a normal part of a post-pregnancy body? I'm starting to think through the emotions that are part of weight loss and learning about how I'm affected by them.

Writing


Once upon a time... that's how I should start, right? Fore score and seven years ago... a little more formal? How about we sit down over a cup of coffee and share life? There's a part of my heart, bigger than I'm comfortable sharing these days, that would be overjoyed to do that. There's this project that I've been working on for longer than I care to share (months... oh fine, years), and it's ready to be completed. There's so, so much that I don't know, so much that I have to learn in order to make it worthwhile. Part of it is continually learning how to write and how to make it real. This probably includes being a little more emotional and vulnerable than I'm ready for at times but I see the greatness that real life brings and I want to be part of it. So learning about this journey of writing and self-publishing (yep, there it is) is part of this season.

What about you? What are you learning?