Anger

I'm thankful today that God is big enough to handle mine. I'm thankful that I can be mad at Him and act like a child because life doesn't look anything like I'd like it to, and He still loves me unconditionally. I'm thankful that I can type this out and end up with tears in my eyes because I don't like being angry with God and I'm just frustrated.

Swayed

I wish I wasn't. I feel like I'm being swayed more lately though. My days are filled with emotions of frustration, overwhelmed with thoughts and desires for the future, loneliness. Then I spend time in the Word, in His Word. Then I'm filled, I'm calmed, I'm walking in peace. He is my strong tower.

I've spoken often about life here, how it's nothing I'd ever imagined. We have a habit of moving every 2.5 years. We're discussing, we're praying, we're believing. And maybe that's why the frustration is more prevalent than before. There have been things I've wanted that have not come to pass. There's a lot of waiting, a lot of ideas thrown around. I always want God's best, His purpose and His plans are always massively better than anything I can come up with on my own. Waiting on that is rough. And being where we're at is not where I expected us to be. Moving forward is what I long for, and yet we're hanging out here. But I know that He's real. And I'm so blessed every time I open His Word. Literally, every time. In the midst of so much unknown and so many desires that I don't know how they're going to happen, I can still find peace in Him.

I feel like there's so much more to say but the words are missing. The emotions to convey, the desires burning inside, the questions of how and why. I don't know how to put them into words. Tears come easily when I actually open up to discuss the things on my heart. Vulnerability is never easy. I want someone to understand, someone to tell me exactly what the next step is and how things are going to work out and what the future holds. That person is Jesus though. No one else can give me a map of my life. People can tell me ideas but I'm looking for what Jesus has. I'm waiting. Staying in the Word is my only source of strength, my only hope. I don't want to be swayed by every thought, every idea, every opportunity. That's not what I'm called to do, I know that much. He is faithful, He is loving, kind and Good. I'm gonna hold onto those promises, no matter how hard it gets.

Marriage

It can be rough ya'll. But here's some great insight on how to make it better. I'll warn you, there's some hard words to hear, and it's not going to be easy. But it's simpler, and it makes your marriage amazing. Enjoy.

:)

Waiting

Story of my life - waiting is the hardest. It's good for us, but it doesn't tend to get easier. The one thing I'm learning in this period of waiting is that the battle of the mind is tougher than I ever really gave it credit for. Keeping my mind in tact, keeping it focused on what is good, right, holy, pure, and just, helps. A lot. We are given authority to control our mind, to control our emotions, and yet so often we allow them to run rampant. We think that we need to experience every emotion, to let it move us, and to be swayed by it. Nope. Emotions are good, don't get me wrong, but when you start to live by them instead of just experiencing them and letting them pass along like they're supposed to, things go downhill very quickly. Our mind is a battlefield as well. You gotta watch where you step in there! One misstep and you could be off to the races on a road you're not supposed to be near! Oy. Control. It's about what God has given to you over your body for His glory. Boundaries are great, they're for freedom. They protect. Live within boundaries and you will thrive. But it's not just about the boundaries, it's really about the One who sets them for you because He loves you more than you could ever imagine. All that to say, waiting is hard. But when I've got authority to walk in truth about who He says I am, and who I know Him to be, waiting is just a little bit easier. Praising Him tonight in the midst of waiting.

Hermit life

Bronchitis is not fun. Coughing for 3 weeks is also not enjoyable. But this little social butterfly is learning the peace and simplicity of hermit life. I've told many people that this summer was literally the busiest one of my entire 30 years. When camp ended, my body was done and decided I needed some rest. Hence the sickness. Learning to stay home and not surround myself with friends has been difficult, and yet very healthy for our 7-year old marriage. Lots of down time, rest, relaxing, watching movies, and little to no expectations about what needs to be done. It's amazing how sickness is such a healthy thing in our lives at times.

Other than that, life is pretty much the same. Teaching computer lab and helping to train. Danny's still in Anaheim editing. Still sharing space. Still have the dog.

God's still good, faithful, and worthy to be praised. Great sermon series on life's questions going on at Reality LA these days. I recommend following along.

That is all.

Breath of fresh air

The last few months have been rough, not feeling good about life and opportunities and frustrated. I've let it all hang out on here so you should know:)

Today I'm 100% lighter and my spirit is soaring with the Creator all because of a great conversation that started with a dear friend who spoke wisdom. We discussed this desert we've been in and the ability to get out. She mentioned going back to the last thing God said, and I had to go look. If you're interested, reference these:

http://rochiemochie.xanga.com/695914977/clarification/

http://danny-ro.blogspot.com/2009/10/new-revelation.html

I haven't read this since writing them. I hadn't thought about them. The last few months I've stuck myself in a box. I've found my identity in teaching and become super frustrated about my current situation. My joy has been lost because of the situation, because my hope was no longer in my Creator but in my career. Ewww.

I've gotten so passionate about teaching and the education system, which are good things. In that, I've lost site of what God has really created me to do though. I've gotten stuck on being a teacher, not on loving people.

In rereading these two posts, going back to the last thing God spoke, I remembered that I'm created to love people. Teaching is a gift and a large part of what God has created me to do, but I'm created to love and encourage. So instead of focusing on teaching and finding that job, I'm focusing on the Lord and what opportunities He has in store. I can feel the freedom this perspective brings, the freedom finding hope in the Lord brings instead of taking on the responsibilities of this life on my own. I'm done living in a box that I've created and ready to jump into faith and watch where the Lord directs me.

Love.

The Fight

Last night I got mad. The summer has always been a little tricky as a teacher. With a salary, things are much easier. When that is not the case, we do other things. We just had a lovely weekend in San Diego and then Monday morning, bright and early, the other car gives out. Life happens, right? Ugh.

In this place of frustration this was not what I was looking for. So I'm thinking through our finances last night, wondering how it's all going to work out (again), getting more upset, and having a slight pity party.

You know when you're having that party right? When you question God and wonder about His plans and wonder what in the world is happening right now to glorify Him? And then my brain engaged with my Spirit and I was reminded of many beautiful discussions I've had lately. The fact that the Word of God is truth, in every circumstance, and that I can't live by my circumstance but by the Truth. The fact that I have been given all power and authority in the heavenly realms and that maybe, just maybe, God is lovingly waiting on me to jump in and be a part of this fight. And finally, the fact that if we resist the devil, he must flee.

So we fought last night, in the heavenly realm, and it felt good. I was, and am still, mad at the devil for fighting against us, for using the same lies he's used for ages and thinking that we're going to fall for them. I'm done sitting on my tush and waiting for his next attack. I'm engaging in this battle and taking back the promises of God. I'm standing on the Rock, leaning into the Fortress that cannot be moved. I'm finding my joy and strength from the One who never changes. It's going to be a fight, I can count on that. But I know that the war is already won and I'm on the winning side. So now it's just time to start living instead of surviving, fighting for the life that I'm called to instead of waiting on the world to come through for me. The world holds nothing. The Word of God is where life begins.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

Good - Great really. 7 amazing years with this one guy named Danny. Praising God for our time together. Spending a weekend of rest together, a weekend of enjoying each other without distraction and recognizing who we are and what we want. So blessed to have him, to be secure in our relationship because of the One who started it all. A beautiful thing to reminisce about the beginning and the journey. 7 years. All glory to Him.

Bad/Ugly - These kind of go together. Here's the vulnerability friends. I'm a pretty disciplined person at heart. I like it, crave it even. The last month or so, this has not been the case. Time with the One who I know is in control of it all has not happened. And I'm starting to actually recognize the consequences. And yet I'm not compelled to change my ways. My heart desires it, my Spirit is crying out for it, and yet I'm motionless in that direction. I miss my Father. I'm finding my joy is waning, somewhat gone if truth is spoken. Frustration comes more easily, negativity abounds. This is not the person I'm created to be. And I don't like it. And yet, why I feel incapable of change I do not know. I'm tired of being stuck though. I'm ready for newness.

Family

Alicia and Wes (Danny's little sister and her husband) came out and surprised Danny on Wednesday. They're leaving tomorrow morning and I'm sad for their time here to be done so quickly. Our days have been incredibly full and we're taking some time off this morning before going to visit Disney and get a tour from a friend. It's been such a blessing to have them here, to explore the city with them, and to simply spend time together. Having your family come to you when there are states in between is a blessing that cannot be explained.

Quick recap of events because we have done more with them than any other people who have visited I think, or we've just done new things.

Wednesday

• lunch at In N' Out
• Venice Beach
• Santa Monica Pier
• 3rd Street Promenade in Santa Monica
• Drive up Benedict Canyon to see the estates
• Drive down Rodeo to see the Bugatti

Thursday

• Tar Pits
• The Grove - Mario Lopez taping for E!
• Pink's Hot Dog stand
• Hollywood Blvd - Walk of Fame, Grauman's Chinese Theatre
• Mulholland Drive
• Octopus Japanese Restaurant (sushi)
• Griffith Park Observatory - my favorite place in LA, even after 2 years
• neighbors

Friday

• on the list - Disney tour, down time, and Blue Dog restaurant for dinner

Then it's back to LAX for a super early flight in the morning so they can be home with their kiddo's for the evening. They will be missed. It's times like this that definitely make me think about being close to family and what having kids for us will look like here, so far from those we're related to by blood. And then I come back to the truth that my God is sovereign and has amazing plans and perfect timing. Oh how He loves us. We are blessed.

What happens when life keeps moving

Realizations -

• I miss my Florida peeps. A small group of them reunited this weekend and I was jealous/envious. I still miss them. They're still very much a part of me. It became a little clearer why. I worked with them. They were my family that I saw every single day, except over the summer. I didn't have to worry about seeing them outside of work b/c I knew I'd see them the next day. And there was TIME to see them outside of work. We weren't in church with any of them, but they were some of the best family I've ever been a part of. And that's why they still hold quite a bit of my heart. (Not that I didn't know it was different here, but it was good to realize this and to remember that relationships take work, and that's good and ok and worth it.)
• I don't take very good care of myself. What I mean is that I have so much of a servant's heart that I've learned how to take pretty good care of other people and their feelings, but I haven't really learned how to take care of my own. I don't always have an opinion, partly b/c it means that I can't be held responsible for having that opinion, and partly b/c I want to make sure everyone else's opinions are heard. I've been trying to learn how to do this, but hadn't realized the depth to which it went. I need to have opinions. I need to know what I like and don't like. I need to stand up for myself. My husband is great at standing up for me when he's around, but he's helping me learn that even when it's just the two of us, I need to stand up for myself and have an opinion. It's good to have opinions, and they don't have to be exactly the same as everyone else's, even his. I feel a bit like Julia Roberts in the movie "Runaway Bride" after she runs from Richard Gere and learns what kind of eggs she likes. There are things in my heart that I know I'm passionate about, and then there are many other things that I'm completely passive about and have always just pleased people. So in this, I'm learning to have opinions and state my wants/desires. It's a difficult thing. I grew up without much, and stating my wants/desires wasn't really encouraged. I always felt bad doing it because I knew there wasn't much to be had. So I still feel bad asking for things, or making my wants known. And there were always other people to take care of, to make sure things were going the way they were supposed to for them, and my needs/desires would get put on the back burner. This is something I've been learning since getting married I think. I need to take care of me, better.

Community is changing. We're learning what it means to be in community in this season. We're in a season of work, that's for sure. Really it's just a season where work dominates life and doesn't leave much space for community, at least not during the week. And that's strange for me. Danny started working 4 10-hour days. He's taking Friday completely for him, which has been really good for his introverted self. It makes his Mon-Thurs very long though, and just taking care of our relationship takes up what little time is left in those evenings. This is difficult for me. It makes me feel like life is out of balance. It's not the "normal" 9-5 I've always imagined. As a couple we haven't really had that "normal," but I think it's always in the back of my head, and something I still desire for the ease and simplicity it brings to life. But I really should probably work on letting go of that because it causes me unnecessary strain when it doesn't happen.

Family. The twins are growing and changing and looking more like their mother and father. Danny's nieces and nephews are getting into high school and driving and it's crazy to think about them growing up. Relationships have changed so much and it's weird sometimes. Confrontation is coming I think. Many ideas and emotions that haven't yet been put into complete thoughts. All this makes me think about raising children, and when that day will come for us, if that day will come. I have to remind myself that we're not that old and it can still very much happen. It will just be very different than those back home. Lots of letting go of ideas about life I guess. Still working on being an adult.

Praying for:

• The Sego Project - our dear friends Josh and Chelsea. they're amazing. pray about giving.
• South Sudan Emerging - Jon is going to tell an incredible story. More amazing friends. Please pray about giving here as well.
• a job for me, at a school that reminds me of FL, more than anything that God would be glorified (already applied)
• peace, discipline, change (and willingness to do it)

Teaching

You know when you're young and you're asked what you want to be when you grow up? I remember those conversations pretty well. I love animals, and so for a while I would say I was going to be a vet. Then I realized how long veterinarians have to go to school:) And I realized that I don't love Science quite that much, or blood for that matter. It was sometime in middle or high school that I realized how much I enjoyed children. I started thinking about an associate's degree versus a bachelor's degree and what I really wanted to do. I still credit a friend's mom for the decision to get my bachelor's. She was, and still is, a teacher and her argument was to be more prepared, you never know what's going to happen. Then there was the internship in Texas at Teen Mania and understanding my calling as a teacher. It's part of who I am. It's not something I can get away from. So I teach.

I've only been a college graduate for about 5 years. Finding a teaching job is hard, which is understandable. It's like most jobs, knowing someone is the best way to get in, and I didn't know a lot of people. Volunteering in high school wasn't my high point unfortunately. I taught one whole quarter in IN at Topeka Elementary School. This was my first encounter with unions as well. We had discussed them in college and I wasn't a huge fan of them already. They honestly just didn't sound like something I wanted to be involved in. I don't really like big groups, and I don't want my money to go towards policies and political candidates I don't agree with. The woman who approached me while at Topeka told me how great the union was in helping her win a court case. That was first positive story I'd heard, but I was saving for a big move and didn't think I'd need the union before then, so I didn't join.

In FL, I got hired into a public charter school. Overall, it was amazing. The first year was the hardest, but I learned a lot, and I was supported by those around me. I did my best and gave my all. There was no union to be a part of. We had a school board that watched out for us, as teachers, and helped make sure things were running smoothly. Our salaries were lower than that of the district we were in, but I remember it only being about $1K less. With our school board though, we were given bonuses throughout the year, or gifts for things I wouldn't have gotten in a public school. I didn't think a lot about public education or being in a union because I didn't feel affected by it all. Our school was A-rated and rising and we were doing pretty great.

Now I'm in CA. LAUSD (Los Angeles Unified School District) is the 2nd biggest district in the nation. I feel small, to say the least. Budget cuts are everywhere. None of the public districts are hiring because they're all on a freeze, except for a few select positions like Math and Science or Special Education. I've found a teaching job through a 3rd party company and truly enjoy what I do, though I miss being in a regular education classroom.

Being where I'm at, I've seen first-hand the affects of these budget cuts. 30+ students in a classroom. Teachers at their wits ends, frustrated by lack of support and funds, and yet piled high with more paperwork (I understand the paperwork to a certain extent - my principal loved data and we all learned many was to collect and analyze it. But now I enjoy it because I see the benefits of knowing where your student is, through data, and helping them set and achieve goals, through the same data.) What is frustrating for me is watching a generation of students be left behind. I have fourth grade students who can barely read, who don't know things I know I taught in FL to mine, and who have little to no self-confidence. I watch students sit through 30 minutes of work time doing nothing because there is not a teacher standing behind them. I am more concerned now than ever before about the future. I wonder at the ability of these students to learn what's necessary to be successful, and to lead our country. I wonder at how I can make a change, a difference, even in the short amount of time I see them every week.

I say all of this to because I believe there has to be a change. The pendulum has to swing again in the education sector. We watched Waiting for Superman recently and I was reminded about the need for change. I believe in much of what the film says. I know that not all public schools are bad, and that not all public school teachers are bad. There are bad teachers in private schools, probably, but they don't have a union keeping them there. Waiting for Superman really just outlines all the negative ideas I've had about unions and portrays them in a thought-provoking documentary.

So I've spent the last few hours perusing these websites below to get a better understanding, a more unbiased view of unions.
1. American Federation of Teachers
2. Nation Education Association - the biggest union in the country
3. a blogger with the NEA

And then some other websites as well I found helpful.
1. Teachers Unions Exposed - a special project of Center for Union Facts
2. LAUSD's Dance of the Lemons - article by LA Weekly

So basically, I still don't like unions. They were created as a way to help make sure that people were taken care of, earned an appropriate salary for their work, and weren't abused by "the system". I see this happening sometimes. But most of the time I see unions working for people who need to be fired. I don't see the good that unions claim they're doing, I don't see the positive affects. Maybe I'm not looking in the right places. Teachers are the most underpaid worker out there, at least that I know of. I'm sure you've seen the forwarded email, or facebook note, about paying teachers like a babysitter and seeing how much they would be paid if that were the case. The majority of teachers I know are passionate about their work and aren't paid enough to be as good as they are. I know it's hard being a teacher. I know it's hard preparing kids for tests. But teachers seem to be afraid of merit pay because of all the unknown variables in a child's life, or all the known negative variables we have no control over. How do you teach a child who ate candy for breakfast, gets dropped off at school at 7am when school starts at 8am, doesn't get picked up until 5:30pm, has no one at home asking about whether or not they have homework, doesn't look in their backpack, plays video games all evening, and goes to bed late? Who do you blame? As a teacher, I say it can no longer be about the blame, but simply about being the best that you can be and giving every student your all. Stop worrying about the things you cannot change and work on the things you can. I say merit pay is good because to me, it seems like best-practice - things we were taught in college to become great teachers. I would take merit pay over being a part of a union any day.

I want to make a change. I want to make a difference. I don't want this generation to grow up without hope, to grow up not believing in themselves. I believe that every child can be successful; what that looks like is going to be different for every child though. We don't have a cookie-cutter that gives us children exactly the same. Every one is different and every one deserves our best as teachers. So when it all comes down to it, what are you fighting for? Collective bargaining rights or students?

It's not over, but it's going to be quite a ride.

The work update

Danny is now the editor of Chop, Cut, Rebuild. Check your local listings for when it's on in your area on Speed Channel. We're pretty excited. I'm stoked that it's only been a year and a half and he's already on his way. 48 week contract under his belt. It feels slightly stable, and we'll take that. It's still a drive, but he really likes the people he works with and talks about them all the time. Being under leadership with great ideas and vision is a huge plus, whether you're a believer or not.

He's also serving at church now, which I think is super cool. I serve at our info table and realized this past Sunday that it's really a great fit because I actually get to have conversations with people instead of just say one word before they move on. Danny is starting his service in our Media and Tech department. He got to sit in the booth last Sunday. We have 2 cameras at every service and they're switching between the two so he'll be helping out with all that. It's nice being "behind the scenes" at church again. There's definitely a difference in the people you meet and learn to know when you're serving compared to just attending.

In other news... I'm applying everywhere I can to see about teaching this fall. I'm hoping/believing that God's got something better for the fall. So... we'll see what happens.

All power and authority

I went to a worship service last week. We really enjoy our church, but there's an aspect of the Holy Spirit missing. The Holy Spirit is how we live this life Christ calls us to. Without the Holy Spirit, we are powerless. Here are some reminders.

Luke 9:1 - 2
We're given authority over demons and the ability to heal sickness. We have the authority. Danny and I have been praying, asking God for direction, wondering about staying or going. Being in this service reminded me that we have authority and we need to stop letting Satan get in our way. He doesn't want us here. He doesn't want us feeling comfortable doing what God has called us to. We haven't felt peace about leaving, we haven't really planned on it, and this was confirmation about why. We're not supposed to. We need to learn how to fight instead. We need to put the Devil on notice in our lives and kick him out of every aspect of it and live in the authority that Christ has given us. We've been praying and praying and praying but we haven't been walking in the power. When we pray, we need to believe we have received what we've asked for and DO IT. It's so easy to get caught up in the praying, in asking people to just pray for help but when do we act on it? We've been living in this so I'm preaching to the choir here. We've been struggling and asking for help when in fact, we need to be fighting. Every day is a battle and we need to acknowledge that and be the soldiers we're called to be. So take the authority He's given you and live in the calling He's put on your life. Don't back down and let the Devil get the best of you. Don't let him keep your spirits low and keep you from praising God.

Mark 4:35-41
Don't be in awe of the storm you're currently in. Be in awe of the one who slept through the storm. The storm is powerful, yes, but there is One who can calm the storm. The disciples woke him up and He rebuked the storm. He took the authority He'd been given and rebuked the wind and the rain. There are storms we're all struggling through. Life is not easy; that's not something God promised. But He did promise that He'd be with us and He'd give us everything we needed. So stop whining and complaining about the storm and start taking the authority that's been given to you, rebuke that storm, and start living. Acknowledge the circumstances in your life but stop letting them rule your life and your decisions.

Acts
Paul was converted in Acts. He was called to preach and he traveled around the country. Many times there were people who wanted to stone him. He was stoned at one point and left to die. But time and again, Paul didn't give up. Even when he was imprisoned, he didn't give up. He surrounded himself with disciples, people who believed in the Truth of the Gospel, people who prayed with him and walked in authority with him. Even when Paul was stoned and left to die, he got up and returned to that city. He didn't let circumstances hold him back from doing what God had called him to do. This was the one that really hit me. We've allowed our circumstances to hold us back from doing what we're supposed to be doing. Life is changing and that's fine, but we're still called to be here. We don't have peace about leaving, we haven't been called elsewhere, so we stay and we fight. So we're learning how to fight and how to be soldiers in this place. We need to stop looking for sympathy and start finding our prayer warriors who stand and take authority with us over our circumstances, kicking the Devil back where he belongs, and moving forward into what God has called us to.

"If you love Him, you've got to obey Him."

Be empowered today. Walk in the authority Christ has given you. Put the Devil on notice and take back what he's stolen. He came to steal, kill, and destroy. Christ came to give life, and life abundantly. Who would you rather live for? Who would you rather have in control? I'm walking with the Father, in the Truth and Power of His Word. I hope you choose the same.

Tithing

I've been thinking a lot about this lately and just felt led to blog about our story with it. So here's to boasting in the Father.

We always tithed. I was a disciplined tither, as was Danny. We got married and it didn't change. We moved to Fl and it didn't change. We moved to LA and something happened.

In the fall of 2009 we were fresh here and unsure about where the money was coming in. We walked in fear instead of trusting God to provide. One Sunday we decided not to tithe. We decided to pay bills instead. After that, we didn't tithe. Only when we felt like we had extra money, or saw it in our checking, did we tithe. It was not often.

This fall I started reading Big God with a friend. We were talking about verses to memorize and she mentioned Malachi 3:10. We talked about tithing and how we hadn't been. I can't describe her exact response, but she loved me and challenged me. I worked on memorizing that verse and we talked. We decided it was time to trust God with our finances again. We had made it through the year and God had provided, but we had been withholding from Him what was His. When He blesses us, it's so that we can bless others and that was not something we had been doing.

The changing point came one Sunday at church. It was the first Sunday we were tithing again. There was not much in checking that week. We knew there was more coming but we didn't know when and the bills were more than what was coming in. We talked about giving some of our tithe, but not the whole 10%. At church we struggled, sat and cried, and finally gave in to what God was asking. We rewrote the check for the full amount. Literally, the next day we were blessed with a financial gift that was enough to cover two of our biggest bills, due within days. We were completely provided for, beyond our imaginations.

That was in October. Since then, I can look back and am amazed at the way God has kept His promise. Tithing is the one thing that we're allowed to test God with, and we've done just that. And He's done His part. There has been extra work, extra provision, just extra. The numbers don't line up on paper. It's not logical. The amount we've been able to tithe is beautiful and exciting. The things we've been able to do with the extra have been blessed.

I know tithing is hard when there's not much coming in. For us, it was about remembering that God's word is true. You are a child of the King who rules the Earth. He's good. Why would He not want you to be able to pay your bills? Trust Him, and watch Him take care of you like you never imagined.

Part of the problem

I'm part of the problem. I didn't want to recognize it. It's not pretty. It makes my insides pretty darn ugly actually. But I have some sense of clarity, something to work on. It may not change our circumstances, it may not change the world, but it'll change me. Yuck. It won't be easy, I can see that already. I don't like that I have to work on it. It's humbling. And again, it's yucky. I need help. So I'm seeking that out. It'll be a good road, a good journey, though it may not be fun. Here goes everything.

Nothing new, and yet, wanting more

Christmas and New Year's have come and gone. I was able to go to Indiana for a week, meet the nephews, and hang out with people I haven't seen in years.

Being home makes you think about being close to family. Things are not what they used to be, which is good and bad. People change, though apparently not everyone wants to. I've realized I'm strange for wanting to change. I've also realized it's partly circumstantial. But I'm also a firm believer in change and growth. If I stay the same person I've always been, how is Christ at work within me?

Back to Indiana and people. The twins were great. There was definitely talk about having our own and wanting to be closer to family. Always happens when you're around family. There are 16 nieces and nephews now when you combine the 2 sides. That's a lot of cousins, if only we were having one of our own.

The questions all returned: is it time to move, are we running from a hard situation or acknowledging it's not working, do we keep pushing when it doesn't feel like there's anything to push for? It was funny being around all these mom's and listening to them talk about their experiences. We have never wanted to use the government to have kids, though we're kind of the reason they're there. We have jobs, they just don't provide enough. The question then becomes, should we be having them in the first place? I like to talk myself in circles; one of my fun qualities.

I also realized that we haven't been anywhere for more than 2.5 years since getting married. I mean, we move apartments every 12 months or less, but we move states every couple years. I'm not sure I know how to settle down anymore, and that's something else I feel like is on the list of things "needed" to have a family. I know the list in my head isn't all necessary. They're more things that I want and desire, things that would be really nice to have. Then I think about our age, and I know we're not old by any means, but things change as you gain years and babies are harder. Oy. Babies. I'd like my own. So what does that look like?

More than anything, this all brings me right back to my knees. After reading Big God I've been so challenged and prayer is part of that. I want prayer and worship, I need it in my life. I need it in a way that's outside of my comfort zone. I need God more than anything. That's the honest truth. I can talk myself in circles; I generally do talk myself in circles. He is the only one who provides strength, wisdom, love, and direction. So I will pray. I will wait. And I will trust that His plans are always best.

"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver."Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."
— C.S. Lewis (The Chronicles of Narnia)