Honest wrestling

I've struggled with knowing how to pray for a while now. I've come to this new understanding of the Lord, and it's pretty great because his love has been magnified. I get him now more than ever in my life. That changes the way I pray because I know that I'm His daughter and He wants my best more than I do.

So today I'm journaling (read processing and/or praying) and thinking about how we're not content and don't have these things we desire and wondering about how to pray for them. That's when I realize that part of why I don't know how to pray anymore is because as much as I know this God of mine and His amazing goodness, I may not actually trust Him as much as I used to. There's this whole problem with my son dying that I have to come to terms with.

We prayed for his healing, for all the defects in his little body to be complete and whole. But it didn't happen. The weirdest part is that I don't blame God because I know the truth about living in a fallen world and I believe that God wanted Jonathan with us more than we did. But more than ever before I realize how it has affected my faith and my prayer life. I don't trust Him to answer like I used to.

I have been blessed with the gift of faith, but I'm not sure where it's at right now. So that affects how I pray, what I ask for, or whether I ask at all. I'm able to say thank you but there's a lack of faith that I'm not sure how to fix right now.

Funny enough, I'd rather be in this place of wrestling to figure it out than without Him. I can't deny Him. He's still rooted deep within my soul, but this is an effect I haven't dealt with yet.

I can only encourage you to be real about your faith and your questions. It may not be fun, but I'm believing that it's worth it.