Forever

He's still part of me. He still affects my emotions, my feelings, and my actions. What I'm able to do, able to give, has changed. I think it's for a season, but I'm not positive. I recognize my limitations now more than ever before. Today I had to acknowledge my inabilities. I kind of hate them, but I have to recognize that they are real. 

I can't be at a friends baby shower. 

I can't meet a friends new baby. 

I can't attend a camp and give fully of myself. 

I can trust The Lord for restoration. I can rely on Him for hope when I feel like mine get smashed against the rocks. Like this week when I thought there was a chance, but a test told me there was no such thing. 

I'm learning to be honest with myself, with my emotions, and with others. I'm still learning how to trust others to care enough, how to be vulnerable. I'm learning how to not protect everyone else and to care about myself a little bit more. I'm learning what I need, what my heart truly desires. I'm also learning to do the things my heart beats for. 

Jonathan is in my subconscious all of the time and I'm thankful for the moments when he's allowed in the conscious. I am ony strong because I find my strength in The Lord, because I am allowing Him to touch and mold this horrible loss.