Normal, change and risks

A lot of my conversations lately have revolved around what is normal and change.

I have realized that when I talk to people and they ask how life is, I generally say something about it being crazy. I realized yesterday that my normal is crazy. It's not what I thought life would be at this point, but it's normal for right now. The exciting part of this new normal is watching God continually work out the details and always working on relinquishing my control of what I thought normal should be. I'm learning again that you have to roll with the punches. Don't hold so tightly onto this life because it is forever changing, and that's ok. We all have different normals because we're in different seasons, different circumstances of life.

A friend from high school used to tell me that if her current boyfriend (whom she's now married to) wasn't God's best then that was fine. That simply meant that God's best was even better, which was pretty cool. It's been really good to be reminded of that truth in the current season. Even if I like where I'm, if God moves me it only means that His plans and ways are still better than what I've got. Isaiah 55:8-9 speaks to His plans and ways being higher and better than ours. So good. So glad He's truth and I'm not.

Along with normal, Danny and I were talking about the education system Saturday. I'm not happy with it. I'm not happy with the generation we're currently raising and the curriculum in the school I'm at. Curriculum should be student-based, not teacher-based. It was adopted out of necessity but I look at the students and what they don't know and the skills they're missing because of this curriculum. It makes me sick. It's definitely a passion. And Danny did what Darrell did years ago that jump-started the whole process.

"What are you going to do about it?"

Ugh. I have no idea. I've been putting off my Masters for many reasons, not looking forward to going back to school at this stage of life, but this question puts me in a place of understanding it's probably part of the process. I don't have any answers yet but it takes me back to normal.

I'm not happy with what's currently normal in the education system, with unions making decisions and great teachers being cut and crappy curriculum being used. The thing is, if I don't like what's normal, the only thing I can change is me. That's the starting block. If I don't like normal I have to look around and research and put forth effort into seeing what can be changed. Often times this involves risk. Change is risk. It always will involve some sort of risk because it is normally outside of our comfort zone. So if I'm not willing to change or take risks, then I have to stop complaining about my normal. If I'm not willing to put forth the effort and get out of my comfort zone and trust God with new things, I have to stop talking about it. It's a helpful thought in figuring out what's really important and what do I really believe in.

In Teen Mania we were encouraged to dream as big as God dreams because His dreams will always be even bigger. We were also encouraged to believe that if we could do something on our own, it wasn't big enough. If we could do something on our own, why would we need to trust God? If it looks impossible to you and to those around you, then there's a much better chance that it's the Lord. I don't believe that God calls us to comfort. We may live comfortably in one sense or the other, but I am a firm believer in God wanting us to seek opportunities that are outside of our comfort zone. How will I change and grow if I'm not trying new things and taking risks? It's interesting to see some truths I learned from 10 years ago coming full circle in this season. There are things I was never interested in, places I was never interested in, things I never thought about doing, but if it's what He's calling me to then I'm ready for that adventure. Hold on tight to Him and not the world. This world will pass away and will fail you always. He is the best adventure you could ever search after.

The silver lining

I'm looking for it. Some days are easier than others.

I chose my emotions this week. It amazes me sometimes how I work. How I can be fine at work, enjoying my classes and being around students and teaching, and then get home and fall apart and have my "good" attitude completely disipate. I was a goober this week and had to apologize to Danny for it. It wasn't helpful to anyone.

We're suffering through life right now. It's not fun, but that's the reality. I'm also realizing that we're being tested. I think I'd rather focus on the testing and see what God has in store than the suffering. Granted, we're promised suffering, we're promised trials. Jesus went through them. We will too. It doesn't make them easier, but makes them more worth it. With testing though, I've been reminded that faith needs to be exercised just like our bodies do. If we don't exercise our bodies, they become lumps of fat and we become lazy and unmotivated. Our faith takes the same dive when we don't exercise it. I really don't want a faith that has atrophied from lack of use. So I'm claiming the promises that the testing of our faith produces endurance (James 1:2-4).

Honestly, life is about Jesus. That's the true silver lining. We like to claim Jeremiah 29:11, that God has plans to prosper us. But verse 12 and 13 go on to talk about how when we pray, He will listen, and when we seek Him with our whole heart, we'll find Him. It's about the process. He wants us to know Him. He is the goal, nothing else. He is the best. Obeying Him is better than whatever we have today. Do we love Him more? I didn't this week. I stayed in my emotional mess that got me nowhere.

I have no control over our lives. I have no control over the details of our finances. I can do everything in my power, or I can rely on the power of God through the Holy Spirit. I can focus my energies on living how I think I should, or I can focus my energies on knowing the Father and trusting in His power. He's provided for 16 months of L.A. and countless more before that. I have to give up my ideas about the details and know Him.

The great part? His word is Truth. He is my Rock, my Salvation, my ever-present help in time of trouble. He has provided a group of amazing friends in our lives to support and love us through this time. He knows the plans, which means working out the details is His problem, which means I don't need to worry about them. Working on walking in Truth this week. I know I sound like a broken record. I wish I didn't. But I'm praying that God is glorified through the journey, and if He is, then it's worth it. He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less (John 3:30).

Big God, p114-115

This rattles me every time I read it. It's a long excerpt, but so good.

The Myth of Security
Not only did Jesus say that we should love Him more than anyone else, He also, "Whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel's will save it." (Mark 8:35) We must surrender our lives to Him to find a life worth living, but something gets in the way - our need to control. Uh-oh. We all have it, don't we? We have a real need to control and to be in control, because if we feel that we're in control, then it perpetuates the myth of security in our lives. All of us have bought into that idea that we can be secure somehow - it's part of the American dream! But notice I called it the "myth" of security. It's a myth because you can never know what waits around the corner. We each create our own infrastructure and build up walls around us that appear to provide security. But no matter how hard we try, that security is just a myth. You have no idea what tomorrow holds. You may lose your job, your home, your spouse, all that you hold dear.
The security, a core ideology of Americans, so important to us is really a myth because of the unknown. And yet this sense of security causes us to take risks for our benefit all the time. We tell ourselves, "I built up this nest egg. Therefore, I can do this for myself and I'll be okay." But simultaneously this myth of security paralyzes us from taking risks for God, because we think, "I've got it together! I have a comfortable life and a little nest egg set aside. I can't risk that. I can't put it all on the line and go do that new thing You're calling me to do, God. I can't lay aside the family business. I can't lay aside that house. I can't aside these comforts." We get paralyzed by that satanic, false sense of security. And God wants to deal with that. Because the only secuirty we can truly have is found in the person of Jesus Christ and the gospel of God, the only real security. As Christians we need to be willing to take risks according to that reality - risks that bring glory to God and benefit His kingdom, instead of benefiting us.

Read it. Big God by Britt Merrick. "What happens when we trust Him"

to believe or not to believe

Danny now works at Chop, Cut, Rebuild doing editing. He enjoys the work, but it's an hours drive away in Anaheim without traffic. It should take him through December sometime; hopefully their word is better than the other place's.

I started back at Lassen Friday. It was good to be back and feel welcomed by everyone. I'm thankful to have my full hours back finally.

I'm reading Big God with a friend and doing the study guide that comes with it. It's challenging me more than the first time I tried to read it because of the study guide and thinking through how much I actually trust God. This is a great time to read it, considering the circumstances we're in with jobs. I thought I was good, thought that I trusted God thoroughly and was ready to not have stability still. Then Danny's work got switched and we started talking about the future.

We want to have a family. We're ready. But financially we're not. And I know; finances will never be perfect. We're not waiting for perfection. When we first moved here I had to learn to let go of stability and comfort. I got to that point, and I was fine with living completely in the unknown, going with the flow of whatever work was coming in, or wasn't coming in. God always provided, ALWAYS. But when it comes to having a family, to adding children to the mix, we want to be as wise as possible. When we struggle to pay bills for the two of us and Cooper, how can we add a child into that mix? I'm struggling with wanting jobs for both of us that provide financial stability to pay down debt and feel a little more comfortable, wanting jobs that have insurance because there are lots of dr's visits with pregnancy, and jobs that would last longer than a few months here and there. I'm struggling with wanting these things and wondering if it's ok to want them or not. I know that God has called us here and I've learned what that looks like for the two (three with Cooper) of us. Now I'm wondering what that looks like to add one more. I have no answers. I realized that adding a child is the thing that throws me off. I trust God for Danny and I. It's been ridiculous being in LA, honestly. It's been a huge faith journey where we trust God regularly for work to pay the bills and get through another month. Like I said, He's always provided. Now it's a matter of trusting Him to add another one to our little family. Do I trust Him enough to stay in LA?

Along with this comes the questions of promise and suffering. Suffering is part of the Christian walk. If anyone tells you it's not, they're lying to you. Since being here, we've definitely been blessed but it's been a constant struggle. There have been weeks at a time where it's been easier, but it's never lasted. God also promises us a lot of good in His word. How do those two work together?

I don't have answers. I wonder about LA and staying. We don't feel called to leave yet. There are things to do here, people to love. And there's a big "but" hanging in the silence. I've been thinking through this for a couple weeks now. It's hard. I was reminded this morning though that I have a God that is big enough to take my questions, and loves me enough to want me to find the answers. Keep letting go right? Keep trusting? Keep believing? Without answers? Keep walking by faith, even when it feels about the size of a mustard seed?

Praying.

New thoughts

What we thought we had, we don't. The hours are gone, the work is gone; we're left waiting.

Yet another chance to trust the Lord, another chance to lean in and wonder at His plans and His ways that are not ours. Sadly, I find myself struggling with this one more than I have and it frustrates me. The situation is slightly different though.

I'm thankful that my husband is utilizing contacts, putting out feelers, and thinking outside the box. We're at somewhat of a loss right now. Literally all I can do is pray. There's nothing more and nothing less. Will you join us?

Update of completely random thoughts

Boring title, right? I couldn't come up with anything better but realized it's been almost a month since the last one.

Danny's loving work. He's been switched to days while a co-worker is vacationing. We're not sure about the schedule but working with it. He's off weekends so we're enjoying down time then and hanging out with friends. Praise God for the relationships he's brought. Danny's been doing a lot of editing as well as after effects work. They're working on coursework for USC and they might be doing the same for UNC. We're just blessed beyond measure with this job. They way God provided it and is using it to provide for us is amazing and leaves me speechless and humbled on a regular occurrence.

I feel like the Lord is teaching me about discipline and relationships right now as those are two common themes in my readings. The new budget is one that requires discipline in order to pay off debt and not consume more. It's a new place for us. Our lives require discipline, as do our relationships. Exercise is a discipline I lack in and I'm wondering how to kick it into gear. Relationships are a discipline I feel good about sometimes and horrible about other times. I've been reminded of the work and discipline they involve though. If we're stagnant in our relationships they fall apart and people lose interest at best. Marriage takes work, time and effort that we often times don't give.

I love my husband. I think he's pretty wonderful. I'm blessed by the conversations we have together, by the fact that he listens when I speak and respects my opinion. I take for granted how much he cares about me and desires good things for me. He recently attempted a project with some desk chairs and conquered them, which I'm still pretty excited about. It saved us money and created something new. He's my hero.

Lonely nights but wonderful news!

We are proud to announce Wingspan Pictures as Danny's new employer!

August has been amazing. When I wrote a few weeks back there were many uncertainties. After Danny's cousin passed away our small group rallied around him and sent him home. He didn't make it for the funeral, but his time with family was necessary and invaluable. He left a few days after that last post and got to be there almost a week. We praise the Lord often for our community group through Reality LA. We've been there a full year now, and involved in the same community group for that year. We haven't done either of those things at a church since leaving Indiana, and we are blessed beyond imagination by being there.

Danny's first interview with the Apple store didn't go well, as most group interviews do not. After hearing back, he got a call from a different Apple store for an interview. He aced it and we were hopeful. Then came the 2nd interview, with another potential worker at the same time. They had the exact same answers, but the other guy spoke first. Disappointment.

Then came the random message on FB from one of my friends asking for Danny's contact info to be a PA for their neighbor. The guy was impressed by Danny's resume and took him on. He worked on the infomercial where Chef Tony uses knives to cut fruit in the air and cut through aluminum cans.

Thursday he got a call from a friend while on set. His friend had just been at an interview and didn't get the job. They went on to ask him about doing After Effects. He said he knew someone and called Danny. After passing along his information, Wingspan emailed Danny within the hour. Danny needed to work Friday so the interview was set for today.

There was much discussion over the weekend about what this job would entail and the opportunities it would provide. I had just finished reading some chapters in Britt Merrick's book, Big God, about "faith waiting" and I really felt like this was what we had been waiting on. God had placed the verse in Proverbs that says, "Without vision, the people perish" on my heart in July and so we made our goal lists. Then Danny put his resume in with Entertainment Partners. It would have been a great salary and sort of in the industry, but not quite. Then came the Apple Interviews and the PA job. In between there were the dreams (see last post). Now here was a job that would let Danny actually use his degree and do what he really wanted to do, and get paid for it. This felt right.

While these interviews were happening, God provided financially by bringing a nanny gig for a 2 week time period. I had applied for it and they chose someone else. Things changed drastically and I was called in. It was a huge blessing.

When I got the text at 5 today that he was starting immediately, the butterflies in my stomach, the excitement, the desire to yell and jump and dance for joy were all I felt. We are amazed at the way God worked every last detail out for August and for what's to come.

He'll be working 8p-4a. This company has tripled in size in the last month and a half. The current project is to do orientation videos for USC's incoming freshmen. This will take the next month and a half. Because of the current amount of work, they're asking him to do 7 days a week, up to 12 hours per day. It's a lot, but we're thankful. We know our lives will need adjusting, again, but we're thankful. This is not a job where he works one project and then it's done. This is long-term. He'll be doing actual editing (piecing together video's to make them look pretty), After Effects (visual effects and motion graphics), and apparently there's even the potential for him to get on set. He gets to use his degree, completely. There are no benefits but we're so excited and thankful for the opportunity to pay down our debt. This will be the 1st time in 6 years of marriage where we both have jobs in the field we desire and are making money doing it.

In other great news today, I got a 2nd job! I tutored last year but decided not to. I interviewed with a family on Sunday. 2 children, 10 year old male and 13 year old female. Divorced dad within the last few months. In the hour I spent with them I felt like we really connected. They are great kids. When the dad called today to hire me I was stoked. Every Wed, Thurs, and every other Friday I'll get them from school, chauffeur them to their respective lessons, make sure homework gets done as well instrument practicing, and probably get dinner around. I'm really excited about being a part of their lives.

In all of this, we rejoice. We don't just rejoice because the Lord has blessed us beyond our imaginations but because He is good. Many of our friends are going through trials and yet we rejoice. He is our Hope. The world will continue to crumble around us but we still have the confident Hope that He is for us, not against us, and that we get to spend eternity with Him.

Things I'm learning/realizing

We're making goals and I'm super excited about this. I've had the verse in Proverbs that says, "Without vision the people perish" in my head so we've been working on getting thoughts on paper and having a better idea of where we're going and some ideas about how we're getting there. It's fun to look at and think about the future again.

On that note, LA is becoming home. We used to talk about "going home" as our backup plan, like back to IN. It was a security blanket I think, plan B if we ever needed it. After talking through goals and finances, we realized moving back to IN and living with family wouldn't actually save us that much money. Certain things would be cheaper, don't get me wrong, but overall we'd have to have the same type of jobs that we need here in order to really pay down debt and make the move worthwhile. So why not just stay? That, and we realized we don't have a desire to move back anymore. Sorry family, we love you dearly and want to be close and see you, but... LA is becoming home. That's soooo exciting for me especially and I think Danny too. Florida was very much home before we left and we both definitely still miss it, but the family that God has blessed us with here is becoming more wonderful by the week and we're loving the relationships He has us in that are unfolding. I honestly didn't know if this day would come, calling LA home, but I feel good about it. And I even feel half-way decent about getting pregnant here. No we're not pregnant now but that conversation has come up more and it's something I'd like to do sooner than later. I'm being as vague as possible on that point:)

We're very excited about where God is taking us right now. He's been working through Danny's dreams in the past few weeks. The day his cousin passed away in IN he dreamt that Cooper died in a very similar way. Then he had dreams about the end of the world and we prayed a lot about what those meant. Then he had dreams I was pregnant. So we're thinking the end of the world dreams are about a season of our lives ending, not so much the actual world. And then a friend brought up the idea last night that the pregnant dreams could very well be us impregnated with something new. Which all makes sense because of the next paragraph.

Danny has an interview on Tuesday with the Apple store. He would be at the location about 5 blocks away from our apartment if he gets it. We're really hoping this will be his chance to get out of Massage Envy finally, or potentially work two jobs and pull in extra money to maybe pay down debt. We're soooo excited about this interview and the opportunity for something new. Working at Apple also means discounts and he definitely needs a more powerful computer in order to keep doing the After Effects work, and be able to do it faster. He also has a resume in at a company called Entertainment Partners. We have friends who work there who gave him the heads up. Apparently everyone, including HR, thinks likes his resume a lot so we're praying/hoping for a call from them. That job would mean a salary we've never had the whole time we've been married and benefits. It would be a complete God-thing. It would be 9-6 with an hour lunch so it also means a "normal" work week.

With those two opportunities, he's also created a flier for his photography that we'll be posting on Craigslist. He's excited about getting it out there and hoping for the ability to get work on the weekends or evenings doing pictures. It's another part of the industry that he loves and wants to be more involved in. After the flier was completed he's been working on doing tutorials and learning more about the program After Effects so that he can create more projects and put his reel together. Once his reel is ready, hopefully by October at the latest, he'll be sending that out with his resume to all his contacts and his Full Sail guy. It's exciting to see him motivated and working towards accomplishing his dreams.

I finally got called by the temp agency and I'm working with a grassroots group to sign petitions against the healthcare plan. We're also working on registering voters. I have had some very interesting conversations since starting this. And yes, this does mean that I am currently one of those people that stands outside the grocery store asking you to sign. The exciting part is that I've made some contacts for Danny randomly through these conversations. Also the guy I'm working with daily has me in the office this week to help him out with administrative stuff. If you know me at all, you know that I'm organized and clean and love to be on top of all that. This is so exciting for me and I'm hoping it'll be helpful on my resume for other odd jobs of being an administrative assistant during the summers/breaks if necessary. It's always good to diversify your resume, especially being a teacher in this economy.

I've also had some call-backs about babysitting and the kids I've worked with are absolutely great. I'm looking forward to more fun times with them when they need me. School starts September 13 and I'll be working all 5 days this year. I'm planning on tutoring for the same company I did last year as well.

God has been faithful and our faith has been stretched. These last two months have been so hard financially, and yet Sunday mornings have been exactly what we needed, when we needed them. Our pastor is working through Romans 12, verse by verse. Through Him we've made it. Through Him we'll continue to make it. Through Him we'll keep moving forward. Our hope is in Him and Him alone. We've cut up two credit cards in the last two months so we're down to one and working on paying them all off. We're excited about the way He orchestrated that and how it's taking us to another place of not relying on credit but on Him to pay all the bills. He's working it all out according to His timing and His will.

Four weeks

Tomorrow will be four weeks on one paycheck. I'm praising God that He has sustained us this far. I'm praising God that my faith has (mostly) lasted this long. Usually I'm the one who breaks down and has fears and questions. I've been able to hold on this time and work on my trust. It's a daily choice.

I'm working on applying everywhere I can. The problem is simply that I don't get paid during the summer b/c I'm not contracted like a classroom teacher is. I'm hourly. So there's potential that I have a job in the fall. I'm planning on that actually, even though I haven't actually heard if the contract with the school has been signed or not. Huh. Things that make you go, hmmmmm. Definitely. So I'm starting to wonder about asking my boss for unemployment. All the "normal" retail places you think of for summer work (ie. Target, Barnes, Starbucks...) aren't hiring. I've looked into temp agencies and haven't heard back. I've looked at hotels, things outside of my degree. I've checked Craigslist and nanny agencies and applied to more than I can count. And yet.... I sit.

We have 2 more months to get through before school starts. The Lord provided an excess in June. No idea how it worked out but there was enough for what was needed and enough for some extra that happened b/c of the move across town. And this month; one paycheck and still the bills are getting paid. Thanks in part to my dear friend who felt called to help. Again, it makes no sense what-so-ever, specifically on paper. We're not going hungry. We're not doing much that costs money. And we're still believing.

I feel a little like the widow in 2 Kings 4:1-7. The more jars the woman had the more oil she had. It just continued to pour out. Where did it come from? It stopped flowing when there were no more jars to fill. I have a note in my Bible, from a sermon at some point, stating that when there were no more jars, they limited God's power. This story has come to my mind in the past few days. It makes me think about how long I'm willing to trust that God has something, how long am I willing to wait on His timing and trust His provision even when it's not possible on paper? How long am I willing to trust in my God who is able to do the impossible? I guess it's made me question myself and our situation. She trusted what the wise man said to be true and was provided for. Am I able willing to keep trusting? Granted, I don't feel like I have lots of options at this point. So I'm waiting for that oil to keep pouring out, hoping that I have more jars to fill it with, and praying that the oil keeps flowing.

Summer...

is about believing
is about sunshine and basking in His glory
is about promises fulfilled
is about waiting on Him
is about friendship - old and new
is about time together
is about family
is about forging ahead into what continues to be the unknown

Summer is about believing.

New address

It's that time again. It seems that we move on a yearly basis. Our lease is up and we pack up and find somewhere new. The good part is that we condense all the time and work to keep what is ours not very much. It also helps us explore new parts of the cities we live in. The bad part is the packing. I'm not a huge fan. I know Cooper gets super stressed every time he sees boxes. Poor little guy. I'm looking forward to the day when we'll stay at a residence for longer than 12 months. Oh what a day that will be!

For those who care, the new address is:

5412 Sepulveda Blvd. #38

Sherman Oaks, CA 91411

Basically we're moving about 15 miles straight west of where we are now. It's much closer to where I teach and there are some new possibilities for work for Danny in that area as well. We're also looking forward to exploring Ventura Blvd. It's a pretty "happening" street that I can't wait to meander down and find new places to eat, hang out, and buy things at. Here's to more changes!

Forever changing

Summer's here. It's has brought many changes already and more are coming. A few weeks ago I was really struggling to trust God with our bills again. It's a common occurrence in my life, unfortunately. But we live in a city without stability and apparently I need to continue to learn that He is my only stability. He will supply for all my needs according to His riches and for His glory. That's never my timing. I hate that I get anxious when it doesn't look like things are going to work and that's definitely something I'm still working on. Nobody ever said faith was easy.

This week has been exciting though. We have been blessed with transportation. Thank you to Chelsea and to Michael for making that work. Without you, this door would not have opened. I had a very poignant conversation with a friend this month about transportation and the importance of it in the industry. We've been praying and praying and God paved the way. We're excited about the opportunities to come b/c of this, the ability to go separate ways and do separate jobs. Danny will be able to actually apply to jobs that he hasn't been able to apply to before. Again, this was completely and utterly God.

Opportunities have been coming as well. I have an app in with a private school for the fall. I hope to hear from them by end of the month. If that doesn't happen I'll continue what I'm doing now. I'm interviewing to nanny for the summer on Tuesday, which would be perfect so prayers are welcome! And I'm hoping to train the last week of June to sell educational products to families. That will be something I can do through the summer and then hopefully part time during the school year as well, which will very much help to offset the weeks of vacation time I won't get paid for.

Danny is talking to a friend about a company in Dallas that needs someone to do what he does (After Effects). We're really hoping this door opens and gives him a way out of Massage Envy. He's continually making contacts in the area and getting his feelers out. He's worked on 2 or 3 more government projects this year doing After Effects so he's building his reel to show other potential employers. He's also building two websites, one for photography and one for film. I'm incredibly proud of him and the hard work he's put in in the last few months.

I realized at church today that we've been married for almost 6 years. I have spent those years with my best friend, learning, growing, supporting one another, communicating, loving, traveling, being adventurous, and seeking God's heart. I'm so blessed by our marriage and so thankful to be living this journey with him.

And finally, we're moving across town to Sherman Oaks in two weeks. I'll be closer to work and there are some production companies Danny's hoping to apply with. We're looking forward to living on carpet again after a year of tile :). It's the simple things in life.

God has blessed us immensely this week, beyond our dreams. Trusting Him is so difficult and I'm not very good at it. Yet He provides and I'm humbled by His care and love for us. Danny's favorite saying right now is about moving with God. If we're standing still and God pushes us to go in a certain direction, we're going to fall b/c we're not ready. But if we're moving, keeping our feet active like a basketball player, He has a much easier time directing our course and guiding us where He needs us. It wouldn't be a faith walk if He told us everything ahead of time.

God's funny

I was just thinking yesterday about how I wanted to type but had nothing to update, nothing's really changed. Then God brought church. Oh church. I love our pastor and the way he brings the word straight from the Word. It's a rough one friends. I highly recommend you go here and listen to it once it's up, or download it on itunes and listen to it. Reality LA.

Community. Community is not an option. What I choose to do, or not to do, shows what I value.

When I come to church, I shouldn't be coming with a consumer attitude. Instead I need an attitude of what can I give? How can I serve these people? And this isn't just when I go to church.

Community is about a shared relationship. It's founded upon the Gospel. Deeper fellowship requires deeper theology. This doesn't mean bigger words that we don't understand. It means learning together and gaining a greater understanding of Him together. That is when we grow together and build community.

Shared Responsibility - if you're communicating something then you have to execute that thing. If you love your spouse you have to show your love to your spouse. You can't just speak words; actions must follow those words.

Sacrifice is a prerequisite for community and fellowship. Our human nature wants to fight against community because to be in community means it's no longer about me, I'm no longer number one. Being in community means laying down what my needs and my wants and putting others before me. Community is about serving and growing together, not about me.

If you react to the way people treat you without the power of the Gospel you WILL be wounded. Wounds bring bitterness when there's no healing. Within the church there are a LOT of wounded people. And then our human nature kicks in and says that since I'm wounded, I need to stay away. I'll just isolate myself. The only person you hurt when you isolate yourself and pull back from people is you. Bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill someone else. The church is not perfect. Just b/c someone goes to church does NOT make them perfect. There is no perfect church. But healing doesn't come with isolation, healing comes through serving the person/people who wounded you. Proverbs 18:1 paraphrase - you will get burned by people for the rest of your life no matter where you go. We have to learn how to heal instead of kill ourselves with bitterness.

If what you've given (service) has been trampled on and you're upset about it, think about Jesus' blood and the cross. Romans 13:8. Owe no man anything but LOVE. Are you ready to give and get nothing in return? That's true love. When we give and expect nothing. Not when we give and expect a text or phone or ANY response. That's called giving with interest. We can't give with interest. We will never be filled by humans. We will never be satisfied with what humans give us. Flesh is taking. Love is giving. So stop charging interest and expecting something in return. Join your love account with Jesus (joint checking) and use His debit card to give freely.

The Shared Reward is that our joy will be complete in community. There is no joy in isolation. Is community easy? No. But is it worth it? Definitely.

Those are the basics of the notes I took today. But don't take my word for it. Go hear it yourself. There are so many aspects of my life right now that needed to hear this sermon. I'm so blessed to be in a church where the pastor brings the Word. No fluff, just the word. Off to listen to some more in our doctrine and theology series. Excited:)

Small Group

We've been discussing prayer and last night was about Praise and Adoration. We discussed the difference between thanksgiving and adoration and I was reminded of Pastor Sam back at TGP. That man loves Jesus and it shows in the way he adores him on a Sunday morning during corporate worship.

We discussed Psalm 27 specifically. Vs. 1 says The Lord is my light and my salvation-whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life-of whom shall I be afraid? So we were talking about fear. The fear of the unknown is something I've been learning specifically about so it went right along with that. I brought that up to the group and one of the guys mentioned about the that on Good Friday, when Jesus died on the cross, the disciples were afraid b/c they "had no idea what would happen next." The quotes are mine b/c Jesus told them over and over and over what was going to happen. He told them He'd die and come back, but it they didn't believe it. So here they're living in this fear of the unknown. But Joe brought up the point that we're living in the context of Sunday... Sunday's coming. We KNOW He's coming back to life. I hope that fills you with joy like it did me. Here I am living in the "unknown", having no idea what He's going to do in the coming weeks and months, but I can rejoice in the truth that "Sunday's coming."

Then Tim took it a step further, the step where we truly are today. The disciples were walking in this fear when Jesus died on the cross. Jesus returned for 40 days and then went to Heaven. When He left for Heaven, He gave us the Holy Spirit. Looking at the disciples, they never walked in that fear again. They had the Holy Spirit, Christ WITHIN them. No longer was it a matter of waiting on Sunday and being joyful about the promise that He was going to return. We now live in the truth that He is within us always. He doesn't tell us the exact plan for our lives but look at ALL the promises in His word. He loves us, He died for us, He cares about us, He gives us hope. He never promises that life will be easy or simple or comfortable but He promises that He will be with us always, to the end of the earth. How can I not walk in joy? So today, I choose joy despite the unknown. What I do know is Jesus and that's more than enough.

Don't be like Peter and focus on the water. Focus on the Savior and you can do all things through Him.

The Unknown

The last 2 Sunday's we've been at church have been pretty intense. I blogged about Brit Merrick being there and his discussion on Jesus being everything, not heaven. Selfishness seems to be a theme right now. This Sunday was similar in theme in that it was about Jesus. We're both working really hard at being disciplined to spend time in the Word every day. It's not easy b/c there are so many distractions. And yet I'm reminded so often that without Him, none of this other stuff (these distractions) means anything. It's a daily struggle still to lay down me and want more of Him. There's so much that I want in this world that really has nothing to do with Him, but it's human nature.

I'm reminded of the saying, "The Fear of the Unknown." I remember talking about how this would hold people back from doing things with their lives and would keep them complacent. When you live by faith there's no knowing what God's going to call you to. I feel like our whole lives are unknown at this point. We know we're where we're supposed to be and there is hope and peace in that. Beyond that, we know nothing. Jobs here are unstable. Work is unstable. Living is unstable. Friendships are all over the place. Life is not what I've ever experienced it as before. I know this is a theme, but I'm still getting used to it. I'm hoping to finally come to terms with it and just let it be, because ultimately there's nothing I can do about it.

All I really know is that I need Jesus more than ever before. He's doing something in the church, bringing us back to the cross, to what's important. It's not easy to let go of the things we were used to but it's necessary to get to the place He needs us to be as His people. As long as He's glorified, it's all worth it.

A relaxing Sunday

We skipped church today because of the LA Marathon. We go to church in Hollywood and there were a lot of road closures today. It was a great day of spending time with Danny, communing and fellow-shipping together like we don't get to on a regular basis. By the way, I need to brag on him a bit. The last couple weekends in February he was blessed with work. One weekend he worked on Chef vs. City for the Food Network. He got to work with the jib (camera connected to a big arm that can be moved around a stage) and really enjoyed himself. The guy he worked with was really great and we're hoping/praying that God works through that contact for more work. The weekend of the Oscars Good Morning America was here and he got to do PA work for that. He didn't enjoy it as much, but he made another contact, a guy who lives/works in Chicago and does post-production work. Even more exciting is that he's a Full Sail grad and was excited about keeping in contact with Danny. So Danny has a lot of work on his plate right now, getting a demo-reel ready to show off. In the midst of this he's still at Massage Envy. He's been bringing home bonuses every week from being a great salesman. So as much as he may not love where he's at, he's working on doing his best. I'm so proud of him and the effort he's putting in. I can't wait to see what the rest of this year brings.

Last week we had Pastor Britt Merrick speak at church. His 5 year old daughter is battling cancer. He spoke about life and how it's not about getting to heaven. This life is about loving and knowing Jesus. He is our eternal reward, not heaven. He spoke about selfishness. It hit us to the core. We're working on changing the way we spend money and the way we spend our time. Those are two BIG ways to show where your treasure is. It's been a good way of discipline and I'm looking forward to what's ahead.

Today marks a huge day in history as the Senate has just passed a Health Care Reform Bill. We're not thrilled about this and there's a lovely little thing they included about Student Loans that will affect us as well. We don't have insurance right now. As frustrating as this information is I'm feeling blessed to be listening to worship right now and being reminded through song about who's in control ultimately. Our government is making major decisions that will affect my future and future generations but God is still on the throne, Jesus is still sitting at His right hand, and we still have the Holy Spirit.

As much as no one may enjoy living in the unknown, it's where I find myself. I don't know what July and August will look like, let alone the rest of the year and after. I find myself not even thinking about the future unless others bring it up. I'm working on trusting my Father to know what's best for us and to open doors for us that will glorify Him alone. I'm working on not worrying about the future and learning what it really means to live each day to it's fullest. We're not promised tomorrow or the next day so why should I worry about them? My Father makes sure the sparrows are fed, how much more will He make sure I'm taken care of? He is a beautiful Savior and He alone will be glorified through all of this life. I'm so humbled, and thankful, to be a part of what He's doing.

Teaching

This past week I jumped into a teaching job. I work for a third party company that hires teachers to teach computer science in schools. I'm in an elementary school and work 4 days a week. It's only been a week but I love being back in the classroom. My boss prepares the content for me and makes sure it meets the standards so I just get to teach. It's fun:) Kids are still kids though and I think I tallied up that I see somewhere around 250-300 kids a week. It's weird being a teacher but not really being a part of the community. I'm hoping that gets better.

I'm staying with the kids with autism for now. I really enjoy my clients and it would be hard to leave, but my heart is teaching. It's been an interesting week of wondering about that line of being selfish and pushing my way into an opportunity or staying where I'm at. Most people encouraged me to take advantage of the teaching opportunity because it's what makes me happy. This is true, it does make me happy. There's nothing like it for me. But I have felt selfish in the process. I'm not sure that I love the sentence "Do what makes you happy". I guess it makes me wonder about God and where He comes into that sentence.

More than anything I want Him and I guess because of the hardships of this year happiness no longer equals the best for me. So it's amusing to me now that I'm learning to trust that this was truly a gift from Him and not just something that's going to make me happy. God wants my best. Jeremiah 29:11 promises me that. There are many more verses that remind of the fact that He's my father and more than anything He wants the absolute best for me. I often times don't know what that is and shouldn't attempt to pretend to know what it is. So I'm working on walking in the fact that He loves me, enough to bring a job into my life that I truly enjoy.

It sounds so simple. And I know that He loves me. It's amazing to me that even after all I've walked through I can still question His undeniable love for me. That's when I realize how self-absorbed I've become and have to come back to His feet. That's where I find love, in His arms, at His feet, in His word. His love for me is fundamental, the basis of my existence. It's bigger and greater and wider than I will ever comprehend. And yet that is what I'm working on; comprehending a fraction of His amazing love for me and the FACT that He wants to give us gifts.

The Real Me

The real me doesn't want to be here and talked myself out of being here this weekend. I told myself that it would be easier if we just moved home and worked on saving money. I told myself how easy it would be to get a teaching job there and how we could live with family and just be around family again. I told myself it would be easy.

I'm craving easy these days. Everything within me is crying out for something easy. But that's not what we were promised. I've had a day of just living it out and experiencing the pain of not being where I want to be.

Then I remembered. Then I realized. This isn't about me. I would probably feeling very similarly if we were overseas somewhere as "real" missionaries. The grass is always greener on the other side. It always will be.

And God reminded me of when Danny and I were dating; how I ran away when it got hard because it was easier to be in control of that relationship and not be affected like it and have to work through it. I ran away from ESOL too I think. I wasn't ready to push through it. Guess what. Life hasn't gotten easier. Running away from something I'm uncomfortable with doesn't make it easier. It only means that I'm putting it off. This inevitably means that being where I think I want to be right now would really only be just as hard, if not harder, than where I am right now.

That's the real me.

relationships

Church has been about church these last couple Sundays, specifically about the essence of the church. Today we talked about how it's relational. Really, this is the foundation of it all. We're made for relationship. Some of my favorites from today (per Pastor Tim):

• God Himself is a community
• you never break any other commandment without breaking the first one (love the Lord your God)
• some people are wounded b/c they looked to the church to provide and/or be something only God can (no one is perfect, not one)
• we choose our friends but God chooses the church - you don't get to choose who your family is
• being relational is messy, costly, and NECESSARY

Really enjoying church and enjoying how it pertains pretty specifically to my life. Enjoying the learning process, even when it gets gross and ugly with the ones I love the most. Beauty from ashes and joy from pain.

amusing

So I just posted yesterday about being comfortable and being uncomfortable and how I'm learning the difference between the two and what God's asking of me and calling me to. I believe that we're supposed to be uncomfortable. Comfort is nice, for a season, but overall we're supposed to be uncomfortable. I'm amused b/c God drove the point home today during church. We're talking about the essence of the church and we're a sent community and a scattered community. Part of being scattered means that we're sent out, we come together and then we scatter in order to bring more together. Part of being scattered is being intentional, incarnational (in the flesh), proclamational, and sacrificial. If you're a believer, you've joined the mission. It's not a choice you make later but something you became a part of when you believed. Part of the mission is counting the cost. Mission is ALWAYS going to cost you and that cost includes losing security and comfort in this world. I'm counting the cost and sticking with the program because the rewards of this mission are better than any comfort and security I could ever find in this world. I hope that you can share in my amusement of how this amazing God works:)

Ouch!

I've been meaning to write for a while now. I keep realizing though that it's the same thing I've been writing about for the past 6 months basically. I'm learning about how comfortable I want to be and how that's not possible, and really not a good thing. Comfortableness keeps us in a place where we don't need Jesus as much. When we're uncomfortable we need Him more in order to find our place. We need Him more to survive and to live and to learn and to grow and to simply just BE! I need Him a lot these days. Friday was the first day at this job where I actually came home in a good mood. That was exciting!

Things I'm realizing/learning all over again:

1. Joy is choice. It's a fruit of the spirit which means it's there for the taking, but it's something to discipline yourself to. Happiness is not promised but joy comes in the morning for those who choose it. I'm working on choosing joy, every single moment of every single day.

2. This truly is the hardest thing I've ever done before. I'm alone during the day, interacting with clients who don't have many verbal skills, if any. I'm a talker. I like to interact. I need people relate to. This is hard. But we knew it was going to be hard coming out. We spoke it out that it was going to be hard. Now we're really walking in it. Thankfully, we're learning through it.

3. Just because I'm upset doesn't mean that I have to stay upset. I can release those emotions, lay them at the cross, and move on. Is it easy? Heck no!!! But it's something I can and should do.

4. We won't be where we are forever. We're in a season of transition, getting things to all fit into place. But we won't be here forever. Here in LA or here emotionally or here financially. God doesn't promise me that I'll be happy and life will be perfect, but He does promise good things. He loves me and wants the best for me. How can I not look forward to what that is?

So my attitude is changing daily. Or I'm at least working on changing it daily. We're working on our finances and getting them a place that feels better. We're working on finding our niche in the midst of letting go of where we were. All in all, God is good all the time. And all the time, God is good.

Award....

My dear friend Mindi passed along a "Beautiful Blogger Award" to me recently. I haven't been to copy and paste the image but I am to reveal seven random things about me. I figured I can't do one but I'll do the other:)

1. I want comfortable but I'm learning to find peace and joy in the One who created me instead.

2. Teaching is my heart and I miss it but I'm working on implementing it into who I am, not just what I do.

3. I don't know how long we'll live in LA and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

4. I don't know if we'll ever have kids of our own. We talk about them randomly and we both want at least one, but the timing never seems right. For those of you who have kids, trust me, I've heard the line you want to tell me about timing never being right:)

5. We are paying the same amount of rent as we were paying for our first little apartment back in IN when we first got married. That was an amusing thought today.

6. I miss my family more than anything.

7. I have only been under anesthesia/in the hospital to have my wisdom teeth removed. Knock on wood!

Thanks Mindi! I hope that was random enough for you!