Sunday, November 13, 2011
Anger
I'm thankful today that God is big enough to handle mine. I'm thankful that I can be mad at Him and act like a child because life doesn't look anything like I'd like it to, and He still loves me unconditionally. I'm thankful that I can type this out and end up with tears in my eyes because I don't like being angry with God and I'm just frustrated.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Swayed
I wish I wasn't. I feel like I'm being swayed more lately though. My days are filled with emotions of frustration, overwhelmed with thoughts and desires for the future, loneliness. Then I spend time in the Word, in His Word. Then I'm filled, I'm calmed, I'm walking in peace. He is my strong tower.
I've spoken often about life here, how it's nothing I'd ever imagined. We have a habit of moving every 2.5 years. We're discussing, we're praying, we're believing. And maybe that's why the frustration is more prevalent than before. There have been things I've wanted that have not come to pass. There's a lot of waiting, a lot of ideas thrown around. I always want God's best, His purpose and His plans are always massively better than anything I can come up with on my own. Waiting on that is rough. And being where we're at is not where I expected us to be. Moving forward is what I long for, and yet we're hanging out here. But I know that He's real. And I'm so blessed every time I open His Word. Literally, every time. In the midst of so much unknown and so many desires that I don't know how they're going to happen, I can still find peace in Him.
I feel like there's so much more to say but the words are missing. The emotions to convey, the desires burning inside, the questions of how and why. I don't know how to put them into words. Tears come easily when I actually open up to discuss the things on my heart. Vulnerability is never easy. I want someone to understand, someone to tell me exactly what the next step is and how things are going to work out and what the future holds. That person is Jesus though. No one else can give me a map of my life. People can tell me ideas but I'm looking for what Jesus has. I'm waiting. Staying in the Word is my only source of strength, my only hope. I don't want to be swayed by every thought, every idea, every opportunity. That's not what I'm called to do, I know that much. He is faithful, He is loving, kind and Good. I'm gonna hold onto those promises, no matter how hard it gets.
I've spoken often about life here, how it's nothing I'd ever imagined. We have a habit of moving every 2.5 years. We're discussing, we're praying, we're believing. And maybe that's why the frustration is more prevalent than before. There have been things I've wanted that have not come to pass. There's a lot of waiting, a lot of ideas thrown around. I always want God's best, His purpose and His plans are always massively better than anything I can come up with on my own. Waiting on that is rough. And being where we're at is not where I expected us to be. Moving forward is what I long for, and yet we're hanging out here. But I know that He's real. And I'm so blessed every time I open His Word. Literally, every time. In the midst of so much unknown and so many desires that I don't know how they're going to happen, I can still find peace in Him.
I feel like there's so much more to say but the words are missing. The emotions to convey, the desires burning inside, the questions of how and why. I don't know how to put them into words. Tears come easily when I actually open up to discuss the things on my heart. Vulnerability is never easy. I want someone to understand, someone to tell me exactly what the next step is and how things are going to work out and what the future holds. That person is Jesus though. No one else can give me a map of my life. People can tell me ideas but I'm looking for what Jesus has. I'm waiting. Staying in the Word is my only source of strength, my only hope. I don't want to be swayed by every thought, every idea, every opportunity. That's not what I'm called to do, I know that much. He is faithful, He is loving, kind and Good. I'm gonna hold onto those promises, no matter how hard it gets.
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