Processing

It's been a month since our son has been diagnosed with multiple birth defects stemming from a diagnosis we now know to be Trisomy 18. We have been living life day by day, experiencing a roller coaster of emotions and processing through many thoughts.

The initial reaction for us was shock and grief. There was a flood of tears as we sat in the car following our second ultrasound. You expect to see a healthy baby. You never anticipate something being wrong. Yet, in that grief, we knew that God was good. We clung to the truth that He was not mad at us, and that He would be with us.

As the days have come and gone, we find ourselves on a journey we never dreamed of. There are times of grief as we think about the future and the what-ifs. There are so many of them! Will he make it to birth? Do we put him through the trauma of surgeries? Will we get to bring him home, or will we have to bury him? I'm sure you can imagine many of the scenarios and possibilities that we have to think through. Our normal doesn't feel so normal anymore.

And yet, we are experiencing the normal parts of being pregnant. We enjoyed hearing his strong heartbeat at our recent appointment. This weekend we had fun playing "hide and seek" with him, as he moved around my belly pushing against my stomach. We look forward to seeing him again at our next ultrasound in a week and a half. We talk to him and sing to him, making memories along the way. We look forward to having baby showers and preparing our new apartment, believing for the day he will come home with us.

Recently, the old hymn, "My hope is built on nothing less," has been a regular song in my heart. Phil. 4:6-9 says not to be anxious, but to pray and let the peace of God guard your heart. It tells me to fix my thoughts on what is true, honorable, right, lovely, and pure, and then the God of peace will be with me. Peace is one thing my soul has needed most during this time. Romans 12:2 has also been helpful as it tells me to transform my mind according to God's Word and not to the world. I am reminded that I have power to overcome the negative thoughts and focus on the truth that Jonathan has hope.

We are thankful that God has not changed, and will not change, based on this circumstance. Still, on those days when doubt and sadness creep in, we have greatly appreciated family and friends being there for us. Jesus calls the Church his hands and feet and when you reach out to spend time with us, to offer us a gift, or do whatever the Lord has laid on your heart, we feel God loving on us.

In all of this, we are walking a fine line of thinking about the negative possibilities about Jonathan's life and needing to plan for those things, and yet keeping a firm grasp on the hope of Jesus for his complete healing. We ask you to keep walking with us, to keep asking questions and allowing us to laugh and cry with you as we experience the many ups and downs of this pregnancy.

Week 24