Danny and I have been processing as it comes. Grief is a different kind of emotion. I was journaling the other night about how life feels right now. I was thinking about losing grandparents and other people I've known, and how this is completely different. I started thinking through why. Jonathan is our son. There is a different bond between a parent and a child. Not only are we grieving a son, we are grieving a new life that we were planning for.
When you think about becoming a parent, you watch other people who have children. You pay close attention to what they do in order to better understand. You have conversations about children and how they change your life. You think about how the house is going to look, how to rearrange your furniture to make space for this little human you're bringing into the world. You start thinking about your time and what you do with it, knowing that this little person will change that. Being a parent is a whole new identity, a brand new role that you have to prepare for without really knowing how to prepare.
We were so excited to be parents. Throughout our 9 years of marriage, we had numerous discussions about the right time to have children. We knew we had a lot to learn, but we were excited about this new season we were finally beginning. We were excited about bringing up Jonathan in a home where he knew how much he was loved. We were excited to learn who he was, and see him grow into the man God created him to be. This is part of why losing Jonathan is so hard. There's so much wrapped up in being a parent. We are still parents, and will always be parents, but we don't have a child on this side of heaven.
We see pictures of our friends children, and our nieces and nephews, and enjoy them. Then we hear a child at a store and it brings us to tears. We just never know when grief will come, what little situation will trigger an emotional reaction that wasn't there before.
The next step is learning how to transition. We want to remember Jonathan, and yet we know we need to move forward. We're just not sure what that looks like, how much to hold on and how much to let go. My heart still hurts, and yet I find myself resting in the peace that he is with the Father, that he never has to suffer. So we walk gently with each other, providing space to grieve and enjoy life. We live day by day, moment by moment, learning how to rely on Jesus in a new way.
He wanted Jonathan right away. He must have had a really good voice and Jesus needed a Tenor. The songs he is singing right now are endless, timeless, and beautiful. He's worshiping right now just as he'll be when you meet him there. Sorry this message is so personal. Your blog has permanently rendered my heart and I have truly been blessed by your patience and love. Blessings to you both.
ReplyDeleteI've had similar thoughts, that Jonathan is worshiping right now, and that's absolutely beautiful to me. Thank you for your words.
DeleteMy heart goes out to you, as I write this my eyes are full of tears. My prayers go out you and Danny.
ReplyDeleteI can tell you a lost will always be a lost but is easier to look at as time goes on. I can remember how much it hurt to see a baby in a mother's arms or hearing a baby crying and wonder why not me. I have lost 16 children, all miscarriages, 3 were twins. I can remember holding the last one and begging God to allow this one to breath but it just wasn't ment to be. It was just recently that I asked God why and He answered, "Dora, I know how feel, I lose children. Everyday who don't get to spend eternity with me." Those words have helped me to know that he does know exactly what I an going through because he went through it first. If. There is anything I can do to help, please let me know. I am in continually in prayer for you both.
Thanks for your encouragement Dora. Just praying for daily strength and finances to come in while I'm off and we both grieve.
DeleteEarlier this year someone was talking about how losing a child is so different from other losses. She said when your spouse dies you're a widow, when your parents die your an orphan, but there isn't a title for losing a child. For myself it has most definitely been a loss like no other. When my grandfather died it was hard. We cried while talking to my old youth pastor about him (officiated). And my cousin and I both burst into tears when we shared we've both lost children. However, losing my grandfather doesn't compare to losing Sarah and Andrew. Had they of lived, they would be nearing two years old. With all that said, I'm not broken. I will always carry them in my heart, but their death isn't the end of me nor my faith like it is for so many others. Through this journey I've gotten a better understanding of what it means to trust God.
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