Freedom

1 month
I talked to you today. It's weird not acknowledging that time has passed, so I need to. I like that Daddy reads through your story often. It helps him to remember you. I'm thankful that your things are with us so that I can just talk with you, about your life and how it's affected our lives. You are real. It's easy to "forget" as we continue to live, but then I remember your birth. I remember the joy of holding you. We are living on this earth without you, but you are forever in my heart. I'm so proud to be your momma. 

Learning
I'm learning that emotions are healthy. As I'm allowing myself to cry, and to experience hurt and anger, I see that I have been stuffing my emotions. From a young age, I learned to run from "negative" emotions and not allow myself to feel them. Specifically, I have not allowed myself to experience hurt, anger, and sadness. Even though I've known a lot of sadness in my life, it's still not emotion that's easy for me.


I'm learning that I can be in control of my emotions, but that I need to allow myself to experience them. People will always fail me and I learned to accept that early on. I learned to offer forgiveness quickly, but I didn't really learn what to do with my feelings when I had them later. Now I'm seeing that I can still forgive, even in the midst of experiencing a "negative" emotion. Anger, sadness, hurt, frustration, devastation... all of these emotions are healthy and good. God created our emotions for us to experience them. He didn't intend for us to be run by our emotions, for us to make decisions based solely on our emotions, but to experience them. I am learning to acknowledge and validate my emotions when they come, instead of pushing them aside. 

I have kept myself from experiencing sadness, hurt, and anger, and it has affected my life in ways I didn't realize until this experience. I have watched, and listened, as others have told me how God has used Jonathan's story in their own life. I have been humbled by it and in awe of His power to use a crappy situation for His good. I knew He could do the same in my life, but I didn't expect it in the way it's happening. Through this journey of grief, our marriage is being strengthened as we experience emotions together for the first time. I'm so thankful for the freedom He's bringing into our lives.

the Father
In the midst of this journey I'm reminded of His amazing goodness, His utter love for us. In our pain, I know He's scooping us up in His arms and holding us tight. He's wiped away every tear we've cried. We are resting in His arms as we move forward. We may not know all the why's, but we know that this situation has not changed anything about Him and His character.

God is good all the time. And all the time, God is good.