Ouch!

I've been meaning to write for a while now. I keep realizing though that it's the same thing I've been writing about for the past 6 months basically. I'm learning about how comfortable I want to be and how that's not possible, and really not a good thing. Comfortableness keeps us in a place where we don't need Jesus as much. When we're uncomfortable we need Him more in order to find our place. We need Him more to survive and to live and to learn and to grow and to simply just BE! I need Him a lot these days. Friday was the first day at this job where I actually came home in a good mood. That was exciting!

Things I'm realizing/learning all over again:

1. Joy is choice. It's a fruit of the spirit which means it's there for the taking, but it's something to discipline yourself to. Happiness is not promised but joy comes in the morning for those who choose it. I'm working on choosing joy, every single moment of every single day.

2. This truly is the hardest thing I've ever done before. I'm alone during the day, interacting with clients who don't have many verbal skills, if any. I'm a talker. I like to interact. I need people relate to. This is hard. But we knew it was going to be hard coming out. We spoke it out that it was going to be hard. Now we're really walking in it. Thankfully, we're learning through it.

3. Just because I'm upset doesn't mean that I have to stay upset. I can release those emotions, lay them at the cross, and move on. Is it easy? Heck no!!! But it's something I can and should do.

4. We won't be where we are forever. We're in a season of transition, getting things to all fit into place. But we won't be here forever. Here in LA or here emotionally or here financially. God doesn't promise me that I'll be happy and life will be perfect, but He does promise good things. He loves me and wants the best for me. How can I not look forward to what that is?

So my attitude is changing daily. Or I'm at least working on changing it daily. We're working on our finances and getting them a place that feels better. We're working on finding our niche in the midst of letting go of where we were. All in all, God is good all the time. And all the time, God is good.

Award....

My dear friend Mindi passed along a "Beautiful Blogger Award" to me recently. I haven't been to copy and paste the image but I am to reveal seven random things about me. I figured I can't do one but I'll do the other:)

1. I want comfortable but I'm learning to find peace and joy in the One who created me instead.

2. Teaching is my heart and I miss it but I'm working on implementing it into who I am, not just what I do.

3. I don't know how long we'll live in LA and I'm not sure how I feel about that.

4. I don't know if we'll ever have kids of our own. We talk about them randomly and we both want at least one, but the timing never seems right. For those of you who have kids, trust me, I've heard the line you want to tell me about timing never being right:)

5. We are paying the same amount of rent as we were paying for our first little apartment back in IN when we first got married. That was an amusing thought today.

6. I miss my family more than anything.

7. I have only been under anesthesia/in the hospital to have my wisdom teeth removed. Knock on wood!

Thanks Mindi! I hope that was random enough for you!

Moving Forward

I've been thinking a lot about home as the holidays have been upon us. Home is a lot of different places these days. I've also been thinking about people and how much I miss the ones I love. I know I've said this before. Along with these thoughts of missing people though I've also been missing teaching. I've come to realize that all these things I'm missing are things that have made my life very comfortable in the past. I miss the things that have made life easy. Not that I didn't needed to rely on the Lord during these seasons of being surrounded by loved ones and a job that I was enjoying, but I was comfortable. We were both comfortable. Life was easy, and we really didn't know how easy it was.

I was listening to a song the other day called "Moving Forward" by Ricardo Sanchez. As comfortable as I was, I am the opposite here. I am currently in a job that I'm really excited about, but it's not teaching. Teaching brought a lot of stability that I wasn't aware of (probably part of the reason I wanted to do and knew I was supposed to be doing it) until I got out of it. This song reminded me though that it's not about staying where I'm at or looking back but continuing to move forward. If I stay in the same place how will I continue to grow? If I don't let go how will I experience what new things He has for me/us here? I won't. It's a struggle as I definitely don't want to leave behind what He has done in the past and the people and relationships He's built, but I have to remember to keep moving forward and push ahead to what He has in store next. It's a journey and as much as I loved the last destination and all that it held, it's time to move forward.

Happy New Year friends. Move into 2010 with great expectations of all that He's going to do in the coming months.

Blessed

So blessed. Here's the bullet list.

• Danny got a job today that will entail a regular paycheck. He's actually taking over my "old" job. We're excited about the chance to have multiple paychecks on a regular basis again. He'll also still be able to do work on the side.
• Danny's been working on a government project that involves After Effects. Think special effects that make things look pretty. We're so thankful for Joff for bringing this opportunity along.
  
• I have a new job working with kids with autism. It's challenging; enough that I'm literally learning every single day on the job. It's super hard and trying emotionally. Therefore I'm learning to rely more and more on the One that keeps my emotions straight. The amazing part is that I love what I do and can't wait to go full time. I know it's going to be stressful and difficult, but these kids are great.
• We have a church we really enjoy where we're finding and building relationships that we really enjoy. We're blessed to be in a Bible teaching church.
  
• We have been paying bills in LA for the last 5 months almost. We've lived here almost 6 months. I'm pretty amazed by this on a regular basis. I truly have no idea how it works. When I look at our money through my eyes it doesn't work. When I trust the Father, it always does. He's amazing.
• Family and friends - even though they're spread across the country. We both had a hard Sunday in church, singing carols and missing family like nothing else. This is the first Christmas EVER that either of us has been away from family completely. It feels so much different this year knowing we're not going to be seeing the people we love so much. It doesn't feel like Christmas. We're working on just relaxing and enjoying the little time off. So many changes this year.

So those are the big ones. I'm thankful for our apartment, for our roommates, and for my husband. Life amazes me often here. I'm often reminded of my great need for Him and reminded that we wouldn't be here without Him. He's the reason for all that we are and all that we're doing. I'm blessed to be reminded of this daily. I'm blessed to know that I'm human, not perfect, but that I can rely on the Perfect One to get me through every single day. He will not fail me nor forsake.

May you be blessed and enjoy all that the holidays bring.

Lessons

I feel like I'm finally beginning to learn some of Satan's tactics that he uses here specifically. He steals joy, he steals time and makes relationships really hard to keep, and he lies and steals truth. These are biblical, mind you, but I don't feel like I've ever seen these tactics used so blatantly before. The people that I come in contact with on a daily basis; I can see them in their lives. I can see them in my own life. I see the effects of them all around me. I think I've talked about LA being a world in and of itself before. This just goes along with that. The fall of man is evident everywhere. I grew up in a nice little conservative town where it was taken for granted that everyone was in church, or at least knew about going to church. Even when we got to FL it was a similar situation. That's just not the case here.

With these tactics of the enemy I'm working on learning how to fight. I've had a really emotional week. I was waiting to hear back from an interview that I really wanted and I was putting my trust and hope in that instead of in my Creator. Not a good choice. I'm blessed to have a husband who loves me despite my flaws, and celebrates good news no matter what. I got the new job but it's part time hours at first until there are enough clients. I'm working for Autism Behavior Interventions. I'll be working one-on-one with kids with autism to help them learn new behaviors. The training is scattered across the work day so this coming week I'll be at Massage Envy, ABI, and then tutoring as much as possible. It looks really crazy on my calendar and so my motto has become to take it one day at a time. I can't do more than that and I'm not asked to. I'm excited about this new job and all that it brings with it but it's going to be tricky scheduling until it's full-time and until I finish my tutoring hours with 4 of my 6 students. But I'm choosing today not to worry and to trust in my Creator. He's in control and I'm not. He is my security.

Another tactic I've noticed is that the enemy likes to isolate people here. We're all trying to make it and there is no job security. We're all trying to catch up on debt, pay off debt, keep up with all the bills, and then have some extra cash to play with. That means we're all busy working. Working and being away from people keeps you from sharing, keeps you from being vulnerable and living in community. We can't live without people. I know I personally need a community to be involved in where I'm learning from others and have the opportunity to give as well. This is hard when everyone is involved in lots of things and has no time. So I'm relearning what it means to be intentional about relationships. It's hard but I know it's worth it, and it's necessary in my life.

Finally Pastor Tim talked about suffering in church today. It was really great to be reminded of the fact that no matter what suffering might feel like to me today, it's all worth it when compared to the glory that comes in the end. We suffer with Christ. It's part of our conversion. We were never promised a life of wonderful happiness. We are promised to be cared for and to have joy. Joy is different than happiness. It's more and more about choices and suffering comes along with that. Rejoice in all things. All things.

I want to catch up with all of you, friends and family. Time is not available right now, especially with the difference for those of you out of state. I have been missing home a lot lately and that entails all of the places I've lived and those who have been a part of those seasons. But I'm learning and know we're where we're supposed to be. Joy comes in the morning:) Love to you all. Be blessed during the holiday season that is upon us and choose joy!

Jesus

Church has been really great the last 2 weeks, leaving me feeling like I need to blog and write it all down. Then I get home and it's just not there. So here goes nothing.

This week he jumped into Romans 8:12-13. We'll be here 2 weeks in a row. I truly enjoy how Pastor Tim can divulge 2 verses and pull them apart to the point where it takes 2 weeks to get through. These 2 verses talk about killing sin. That was today's title. He was completely passionate about the fact that where our country is with evil and violence is in direct relation to the fact that the majority of us do NOT kill sin in our lives. We let it hang out and reason with us about staying right where it's at. Sin should not be at home in our lives. He likened sin to cancer. Do we have mercy on cancer? Not one bit. Sin should be seen the exact same way; show no mercy and get it out. Unfortunately with cancer there is no cure. With sin, we have Jesus. We have the Holy Spirit. We have all the tools we need in order to be successful in getting sin out of our lives. And yet we reason with sin, and we reason with Jesus. Can't I let you be in control of everything except for this one little bit of sin that I really like having around and holding onto? That's not how it works. Kick it out and don't let it return.

More and more I'm learning this is not an easy process, for anyone. We all have our sins that we're dealing with. No one is perfect. I know I have tendencies to get it rid of sin in certain ways and those aren't always correct either. I need Jesus. Straight-up. Nothing else is going to cure this cancer I have. And it doesn't feel good; just like chemo and radiation don't feel good. But when it works, you do whatever it takes to get healthy right? Really good word. Great reminder of truth.

I wrote last time about LA not being home. That's a continual process for me. Sometimes I feel like it's getting better and then something happens that makes me miss everything and everyone else in my life. I think part of it is the sheer process of transition and finding new friends. We have great people in our small group and at church and others we've met through work, don't get me wrong. In talking about getting sin out at church today Tim also talked about the need to have people in our lives to help with this process. I know I have spoken some harsh truths to close friends in the recent months and I'm thankful that they've accepted it for what it was and took it in the love I was hoping to give. That's part of being friends that I love. And maybe that's something I haven't completely found here yet. Partly I don't know that I've opened up completely to people yet and really let them speak into my life like that, and partly I'm not sure if I've found those people here.... yet. I anticipate they're all around me. I have also been amazed at the busy-ness of people's lives here. We're all trying to make, working towards something and spending all our time doing it. There's very little down-time and it's super hard to actually spend quality time with people. I met a friend at work a couple months ago and we've gotten together for dinner once. We haven't been able to since b/c our schedules clash so much. I miss the regularity of my teaching job. There was so much in my life that was comfortable simply b/c I was teaching. That's probably part of all this change in my life and realizing the differences of being here.

All this to say - kill sin, and love people. I love people and I love giving. I am also relearning some boundaries in my giving though b/c I can easily give too much and be completely spent on one person. That's not healthy. So much learning. Not much time to spend learning it. And working on living it. Working on just being and enjoying life for all it is here. So many many amazing people here.

PS though. I miss and love every single person in my life that I'm not seeing and talking to on a regular basis. That means those of you in IN, in FL, around the world, and spread across this beautiful country. With the sermon today I was just reminded of the goodness and joy of friends who have spoken into my life about things that need to change, with love. Thank you for loving me enough to want what's best, even when it's hard to say.

New revelation

Since I last posted my husband has come home, we have become official Californians by getting licenses and license plates, and we celebrated my birthday. I'm amazed that October is almost over already. I'm listening to Christmas music as I type, working on getting in the spirit. It will be very different without family this year but I'm hoping we'll make some great memories despite the fact.

Last time I wrote I mentioned I was praying about teaching. As I was sitting tutoring tonight, God spoke straight to my heart. I was just telling Danny last night that I wasn't comfortable here, in a good way. It makes me uncomfortable to be because it's out of my comfort zone. It makes me not want to stay here forever, but I'm ok with staying as long as God needs us here for. I truly living here; there are just things I miss about other places of the country, and especially missing people in other places of the country. So we were discussing this last night and just trying to figure out where to go from here and what it all means. We didn't get very far. And I was ok being discontented. This world is not my home.

So I'm tutoring today. God speaks that my teaching degree isn't so much about being in a classroom with students as it is about being versatile. Our life is unstable and that's ok. I have a degree that can be used in many ways. I am to use my degree to teach in whatever setting is available and necessary for the given time. I am a teacher. That's a huge part of who God has made me to be. What I need to do is learn to use this gift in whatever capacity He opens up for me. It's not just about being in a classroom, as much as I enjoy that and am comfortable there, but about being willing. The funny part is Danny has been trying to tell me this for years, since we first started dating really, but it was never something I wanted to hear. Now, being where we are and just feeling uncomfortable, I was ready to hear it. So will I teach in a classroom again? I truly don't know and I'm ok with that. I'm continually learning to be done with whatever plans I thought about and trusting that God will always guide and direct my path to where He needs me in the timing He needs that to happen. My God is amazing!