Choose your own adventure

Have you ever realized that life as an adult is ultimately the best children's book idea ever?

As a child I loved to read. I was the kid who was at the library a couple times a week to take a stack full of books home with me. One of my favorite types of book were the ones where you got to choose your own ending, and there were multiple ways you could get there. There was a choice to make at the end of every chapter!

After moving across the country (again) and not having a job lined up (again), I've had a lot of time to think. Just like the books I loved growing up, it's time to choose my new adventure!

Now there are two ways to think about this:

1. That's ridiculous and scary and holy crap crazy! 

Or.....

 

2. It's exciting! There's a whole life ahead of us that's full of choices to make and we get to choose!

I won't lie. As a 30+ woman who has started over already, this really wasn't the way I wanted it to go. I wanted it to be smooth and easy, to just fall into place without a lot of work. Unfortunately it's not going that way. I'm gonna have to put myself out there, have to be an extrovert and meet people and go to brand new places and maybe even throw in an elevator pitch.

Today was the day that I wanted to quit, to go curl up in a ball and cry like a baby because dog-gone-it, I don't want to! Yep, I wanted to be that girl. But then I looked around and remembered that I have a lot of life left to live and if I end up starting over and reinventing myself, what does it matter?!

So here's to living fully and networking like it's my job!

Big fat red F

According to Merriam-Webster, failure is omission of occurrence or performance, a lack of success, or a falling short. These are the words that have marred my thoughts in the last week. 

My last blog was about my ability to fight, my ability to trust in who God has made me to be and the gifts He's given me. I haven't lost those truths, but every day gets a little harder for me to keep fighting. It's not even a fight for my identity as much as it's a fight for my sanity. 

(sometimes we fail when it seems so obvious)

I had this idea that moving was going to be great, that we'd come home and reconnect and I'd be on the job front quickly and something would come quickly. I had expectations that it would be easy and I totally forgot what the job hunt looks like. I didn't really know these expectations existed because it just all seemed natural. We've moved across the country twice before and there have been hard times, but there's always the excitement of the move that replaces other emotions until you arrive. 

 

After being here for three weeks, there are realities that are setting in, like the lack of a routine or schedule to fill my day. Many people encourage me to enjoy this time for what it is because having a job will make it busy again. I understand that, but it's hard to fully do that when I know my household relies on a second income. 

So I've started processing the thought that this move has been a failure. 

Here me out on this. We didn't have this thunderclap of the Lord telling us it was time to move home. There was no writing in the sky. We moved because our hearts were ready to be back with family. We believed in the timing and believe that the Lord loves us. We believe He will bless us no matter where we are because we can do His will everywhere. In essence, we took a step of faith, believing in His love and favor over us. The only way that really translates into failure is because it doesn't look exactly the way I wanted it in the time I expected it.

I would rather keep moving forward, keep stepping out in faith and trying things instead of living a life that is safe. I would rather jump with Him and watch as He carries my wings to heights I wouldn't have imagined. So while it may look like failure because it falls short of my expectations, I'm choosing to see this as a positive step of faith.

Do I measure up?

Hello, my name is Rochelle and I'm a social media stalker.

Blogs, Instagram, Twitter, Reddit - I stalk all of them (except Facebook - ewwwwww). Once in a while I try to actually engage and leave comments or post, but that's not the norm.

I think that I stalk because I love a good story, a good encouraging quote or meme that reminds me that I'm not alone in thinking that this world is really a pretty great place. More than anything, stories remind me that the people we live with day in and day out are just as real as I am. Stories help me to connect with people, whether they realize I'm trying to connect with them or not. When I meet new people I love hearing about their lives. I love keeping in touch with old friends and hearing how the Lord has directed their journey. Stories are really important to me because they provide me with greater understanding.

The downside of stalking on social media and hearing stories is when I start comparing their accomplishments to my life. There are many, many people who have done a lot more than I have in less time. Most days it's fine because it's really interesting to hear the dreams God gives and watch them unfold, or to hear how they fill their days and live intentionally. There are other days when I begin to question myself and wonder, am I really measuring up? Am I really doing everything that I'm supposed to be doing? Am I dreaming as big as God is dreaming and allowing Him to work in my life to the fullest extent? Am I challenging myself to be everything that I can possibly be? These are not fun questions to ask because I don't always come up with the answers I want, or any answers at all.

This week I've started looking for a new job and these questions are also part of that journey. I recognize that there are many other people applying for the same jobs that I'm applying for and hoping for the same outcome. I also recognize that I'm not climbing the corporate ladder as fast as some of my colleagues and I have no idea how to go faster. There's also that little nagging concern about how high the ladder goes, and how high I really want to climb.

What I've been thankful for is that right now it's pretty easy to remind myself that I am enough. God only made one of me and I'm pretty sure He's quite happy with the person I am. I know that I am unique and that's all He's ever wanted for me. I'm writing these thoughts so I don't forget them, just in case the perfect job doesn't fall into my lap as soon as I'd like. It's my reminder that every story is unique, including mine.

We're back!

In late December, 2006, Danny and I moved to Orlando so he could get his degree. From there the Lord took us to Los Angeles where we've spent the last 5.5 years. As of the Monday before Thanksgiving, we are excited to be back in Northern Indiana with our parents, siblings, and nieces and nephews close by. Check out a few pictures from our drive!

Luxor Hotel where we stayed

 Bellagio Fountain on the Vegas Strip

 Stone Structure in Utah

 Millers Canyon in Utah

 Tumbleweed in Nebraska. We had one stuck in the grill for a while!

Welcome to the journey

The last year is something I'm still trying to put into words and in the midst of moving across the country (a separate post to come), I'm realizing that I need to "find" myself. I don't like using those words because a few years ago the Lord walked me through a beautiful season of truly finding my identity in Him. I don't like to discredit it, or to think that it needs to happen again, so I'm trying to see this as something different.

Having Jonathan has literally changed me but I haven't pinpointed what's different. I've been allowing myself space and time and I'm thankful for what that's meant for our marriage, and for me. Over a year has passed now and as we start fresh in Indiana, I feel like I'm finally ready to find myself, again. I want to know and understand the ways I've changed and the ways I've stayed the same. I want to find out what's important to me again, and to feel like myself again. It's like I need to date myself, to start from scratch and learn about me from the beginning.

Back to school, back to school...

Between work, friends, family, and anniversaries, I've been learning some things recently. Are you seated? Ok, good, because it's a long one.

Quick Background

In case you didn't know, I'm an extravert, which means that I like people. I like spending time with people and talking to people, a lot! Then there's Danny. He's an introvert, which means that he likes being by himself. I love this man dearly but he will be the first person to tell you that people are not what makes his world go round.

Community

After Jonathan passed, Danny and I stepped out of church and community group because we needed space to grieve and just be. We spent some much needed time together and it was glorious. In those following days and weeks I found myself experiencing emotions, which isn't really normal for me. You see, I've always been the strong one emotionally, the one everyone comes to for help, the one everyone relies on to carry them through. That really didn't leave me a lot of space for my emotions and I was good with my role. Losing my son helped me to see that I needed to experience anger and hurt and pain and sorrow, that I needed to share these emotions and have them validated.

Instead of turning to others, I turned to my husband. He really provided the space for me to be open, to be honest, and to actually feel. The first time I cried he smiled at me and told me how good it was that I was experiencing emotions. He was even more excited when I shared my anger because it meant I was real! It was so good for us to focus on each other. It built an even greater foundation than the one we already had, and I gained a much deeper respect for introverts.

After a year, my extroverted tendencies started to return. I started realizing that I do need some other people in my life. As we're not in church on Sunday mornings I've realized I need opportunities to intentionally talk about Jesus. There are questions that I still wrestle with, like how in the world prayer works and how I know who God is and yet still have moments where I feel like I don't get it. Church for me is now having these discussions with friends, talking freely and being able to share opinions without being judged.

In the process of spending more time with people outside of my husband, I'm learning that boundaries are important. There was something beautiful that we built in the last year and it's not something either of us wants to lose. I see how easily I can go back to busy tendencies and it's still hard for me to say no to people. I'm learning that friendships are important, but our marriage is worth building boundaries for our protection.

Fitness. Exercise. Healthy eating.

This section is frustrating. Weight has always been something I've been keenly aware of in my life. I was an athletic kid and played two sports in high school, but I never felt confident with my body. Then there was Texas and the internship, where I had no self-control and ate everything that I was given. Did I mention I also sat on my butt for 6-8 hours every day? Yeah, recipe for disaster. Hello freshman 15! I was super excited when I came home for college and walked everywhere, had the ability to watch my portions, and was able to eat fresh vegetables and salads. I was excited to have time to exercise and returned to my high school weight.

Fast forward 7 years. I got sick before a friends wedding and hit the smallest number on the scale I've ever seen. It was fabulous! And it didn't last. I went back to holding steady at my high school weight. Not a number that I love and one that I'm always interested in improving.

Then there's this amazing season where I got pregnant and had these gross feelings where food was the only thing that made me feel better. I wasn't trying to eat everything in sight, but man, there were days when I was so hungry. I wasn't really concerned about gaining weight. That's just what happens when you get pregnant, right?!

The crappy part about having a child that dies is dealing with the weight that sticks around because it's a constant reminder of what I lost. A few pounds came off within a couple months but not what I was hoping for. Even though Danny bought me a FitBit for my birthday almost a year ago, I still struggle with my weight. I recognize that I haven't been the most disciplined or motivated person when it comes to eating right and moving my body. I'm back to sitting behind a desk again, which definitely doesn't help the situation. I've seen smaller numbers, but most days it's a number I really don't like.

I question this weight a lot. Am I unable to lose it because it's connected to Jonathan, or because I don't like myself, or just because it's a normal part of a post-pregnancy body? I'm starting to think through the emotions that are part of weight loss and learning about how I'm affected by them.

Writing

Once upon a time... that's how I should start, right? Fore score and seven years ago... a little more formal? How about we sit down over a cup of coffee and share life? There's a part of my heart, bigger than I'm comfortable sharing these days, that would be overjoyed to do that. There's this project that I've been working on for longer than I care to share (months... oh fine, years), and it's ready to be completed. There's so, so much that I don't know, so much that I have to learn in order to make it worthwhile. Part of it is continually learning how to write and how to make it real. This probably includes being a little more emotional and vulnerable than I'm ready for at times but I see the greatness that real life brings and I want to be part of it. So learning about this journey of writing and self-publishing (yep, there it is) is part of this season.

What about you? What are you learning?

Happy Birthday Jonathan

I remember being so happy when you born. In the midst of you not being alive, not breathing, I remember such a peace and joy about your birth. It was this long awaited thing and there was so much wrapped up in it because of your birth defects and diagnosis. But you were absolutely beautiful. This perfect little person. And there was great joy in who you were. Nothing else mattered except that you were with us. 

Happy Birthday little man. You are loved beyond words. We wish we had more time with you and can't wait for heaven.