Normal, change and risks

A lot of my conversations lately have revolved around what is normal and change.

I have realized that when I talk to people and they ask how life is, I generally say something about it being crazy. I realized yesterday that my normal is crazy. It's not what I thought life would be at this point, but it's normal for right now. The exciting part of this new normal is watching God continually work out the details and always working on relinquishing my control of what I thought normal should be. I'm learning again that you have to roll with the punches. Don't hold so tightly onto this life because it is forever changing, and that's ok. We all have different normals because we're in different seasons, different circumstances of life.

A friend from high school used to tell me that if her current boyfriend (whom she's now married to) wasn't God's best then that was fine. That simply meant that God's best was even better, which was pretty cool. It's been really good to be reminded of that truth in the current season. Even if I like where I'm, if God moves me it only means that His plans and ways are still better than what I've got. Isaiah 55:8-9 speaks to His plans and ways being higher and better than ours. So good. So glad He's truth and I'm not.

Along with normal, Danny and I were talking about the education system Saturday. I'm not happy with it. I'm not happy with the generation we're currently raising and the curriculum in the school I'm at. Curriculum should be student-based, not teacher-based. It was adopted out of necessity but I look at the students and what they don't know and the skills they're missing because of this curriculum. It makes me sick. It's definitely a passion. And Danny did what Darrell did years ago that jump-started the whole process.

"What are you going to do about it?"

Ugh. I have no idea. I've been putting off my Masters for many reasons, not looking forward to going back to school at this stage of life, but this question puts me in a place of understanding it's probably part of the process. I don't have any answers yet but it takes me back to normal.

I'm not happy with what's currently normal in the education system, with unions making decisions and great teachers being cut and crappy curriculum being used. The thing is, if I don't like what's normal, the only thing I can change is me. That's the starting block. If I don't like normal I have to look around and research and put forth effort into seeing what can be changed. Often times this involves risk. Change is risk. It always will involve some sort of risk because it is normally outside of our comfort zone. So if I'm not willing to change or take risks, then I have to stop complaining about my normal. If I'm not willing to put forth the effort and get out of my comfort zone and trust God with new things, I have to stop talking about it. It's a helpful thought in figuring out what's really important and what do I really believe in.

In Teen Mania we were encouraged to dream as big as God dreams because His dreams will always be even bigger. We were also encouraged to believe that if we could do something on our own, it wasn't big enough. If we could do something on our own, why would we need to trust God? If it looks impossible to you and to those around you, then there's a much better chance that it's the Lord. I don't believe that God calls us to comfort. We may live comfortably in one sense or the other, but I am a firm believer in God wanting us to seek opportunities that are outside of our comfort zone. How will I change and grow if I'm not trying new things and taking risks? It's interesting to see some truths I learned from 10 years ago coming full circle in this season. There are things I was never interested in, places I was never interested in, things I never thought about doing, but if it's what He's calling me to then I'm ready for that adventure. Hold on tight to Him and not the world. This world will pass away and will fail you always. He is the best adventure you could ever search after.

The silver lining

I'm looking for it. Some days are easier than others.

I chose my emotions this week. It amazes me sometimes how I work. How I can be fine at work, enjoying my classes and being around students and teaching, and then get home and fall apart and have my "good" attitude completely disipate. I was a goober this week and had to apologize to Danny for it. It wasn't helpful to anyone.

We're suffering through life right now. It's not fun, but that's the reality. I'm also realizing that we're being tested. I think I'd rather focus on the testing and see what God has in store than the suffering. Granted, we're promised suffering, we're promised trials. Jesus went through them. We will too. It doesn't make them easier, but makes them more worth it. With testing though, I've been reminded that faith needs to be exercised just like our bodies do. If we don't exercise our bodies, they become lumps of fat and we become lazy and unmotivated. Our faith takes the same dive when we don't exercise it. I really don't want a faith that has atrophied from lack of use. So I'm claiming the promises that the testing of our faith produces endurance (James 1:2-4).

Honestly, life is about Jesus. That's the true silver lining. We like to claim Jeremiah 29:11, that God has plans to prosper us. But verse 12 and 13 go on to talk about how when we pray, He will listen, and when we seek Him with our whole heart, we'll find Him. It's about the process. He wants us to know Him. He is the goal, nothing else. He is the best. Obeying Him is better than whatever we have today. Do we love Him more? I didn't this week. I stayed in my emotional mess that got me nowhere.

I have no control over our lives. I have no control over the details of our finances. I can do everything in my power, or I can rely on the power of God through the Holy Spirit. I can focus my energies on living how I think I should, or I can focus my energies on knowing the Father and trusting in His power. He's provided for 16 months of L.A. and countless more before that. I have to give up my ideas about the details and know Him.

The great part? His word is Truth. He is my Rock, my Salvation, my ever-present help in time of trouble. He has provided a group of amazing friends in our lives to support and love us through this time. He knows the plans, which means working out the details is His problem, which means I don't need to worry about them. Working on walking in Truth this week. I know I sound like a broken record. I wish I didn't. But I'm praying that God is glorified through the journey, and if He is, then it's worth it. He must become greater and greater, and I must become less and less (John 3:30).

Big God, p114-115

This rattles me every time I read it. It's a long excerpt, but so good.

The Myth of Security
Not only did Jesus say that we should love Him more than anyone else, He also, "Whoever wishes to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake and the gospel's will save it." (Mark 8:35) We must surrender our lives to Him to find a life worth living, but something gets in the way - our need to control. Uh-oh. We all have it, don't we? We have a real need to control and to be in control, because if we feel that we're in control, then it perpetuates the myth of security in our lives. All of us have bought into that idea that we can be secure somehow - it's part of the American dream! But notice I called it the "myth" of security. It's a myth because you can never know what waits around the corner. We each create our own infrastructure and build up walls around us that appear to provide security. But no matter how hard we try, that security is just a myth. You have no idea what tomorrow holds. You may lose your job, your home, your spouse, all that you hold dear.
The security, a core ideology of Americans, so important to us is really a myth because of the unknown. And yet this sense of security causes us to take risks for our benefit all the time. We tell ourselves, "I built up this nest egg. Therefore, I can do this for myself and I'll be okay." But simultaneously this myth of security paralyzes us from taking risks for God, because we think, "I've got it together! I have a comfortable life and a little nest egg set aside. I can't risk that. I can't put it all on the line and go do that new thing You're calling me to do, God. I can't lay aside the family business. I can't lay aside that house. I can't aside these comforts." We get paralyzed by that satanic, false sense of security. And God wants to deal with that. Because the only secuirty we can truly have is found in the person of Jesus Christ and the gospel of God, the only real security. As Christians we need to be willing to take risks according to that reality - risks that bring glory to God and benefit His kingdom, instead of benefiting us.

Read it. Big God by Britt Merrick. "What happens when we trust Him"

to believe or not to believe

Danny now works at Chop, Cut, Rebuild doing editing. He enjoys the work, but it's an hours drive away in Anaheim without traffic. It should take him through December sometime; hopefully their word is better than the other place's.

I started back at Lassen Friday. It was good to be back and feel welcomed by everyone. I'm thankful to have my full hours back finally.

I'm reading Big God with a friend and doing the study guide that comes with it. It's challenging me more than the first time I tried to read it because of the study guide and thinking through how much I actually trust God. This is a great time to read it, considering the circumstances we're in with jobs. I thought I was good, thought that I trusted God thoroughly and was ready to not have stability still. Then Danny's work got switched and we started talking about the future.

We want to have a family. We're ready. But financially we're not. And I know; finances will never be perfect. We're not waiting for perfection. When we first moved here I had to learn to let go of stability and comfort. I got to that point, and I was fine with living completely in the unknown, going with the flow of whatever work was coming in, or wasn't coming in. God always provided, ALWAYS. But when it comes to having a family, to adding children to the mix, we want to be as wise as possible. When we struggle to pay bills for the two of us and Cooper, how can we add a child into that mix? I'm struggling with wanting jobs for both of us that provide financial stability to pay down debt and feel a little more comfortable, wanting jobs that have insurance because there are lots of dr's visits with pregnancy, and jobs that would last longer than a few months here and there. I'm struggling with wanting these things and wondering if it's ok to want them or not. I know that God has called us here and I've learned what that looks like for the two (three with Cooper) of us. Now I'm wondering what that looks like to add one more. I have no answers. I realized that adding a child is the thing that throws me off. I trust God for Danny and I. It's been ridiculous being in LA, honestly. It's been a huge faith journey where we trust God regularly for work to pay the bills and get through another month. Like I said, He's always provided. Now it's a matter of trusting Him to add another one to our little family. Do I trust Him enough to stay in LA?

Along with this comes the questions of promise and suffering. Suffering is part of the Christian walk. If anyone tells you it's not, they're lying to you. Since being here, we've definitely been blessed but it's been a constant struggle. There have been weeks at a time where it's been easier, but it's never lasted. God also promises us a lot of good in His word. How do those two work together?

I don't have answers. I wonder about LA and staying. We don't feel called to leave yet. There are things to do here, people to love. And there's a big "but" hanging in the silence. I've been thinking through this for a couple weeks now. It's hard. I was reminded this morning though that I have a God that is big enough to take my questions, and loves me enough to want me to find the answers. Keep letting go right? Keep trusting? Keep believing? Without answers? Keep walking by faith, even when it feels about the size of a mustard seed?

Praying.

New thoughts

What we thought we had, we don't. The hours are gone, the work is gone; we're left waiting.

Yet another chance to trust the Lord, another chance to lean in and wonder at His plans and His ways that are not ours. Sadly, I find myself struggling with this one more than I have and it frustrates me. The situation is slightly different though.

I'm thankful that my husband is utilizing contacts, putting out feelers, and thinking outside the box. We're at somewhat of a loss right now. Literally all I can do is pray. There's nothing more and nothing less. Will you join us?

Update of completely random thoughts

Boring title, right? I couldn't come up with anything better but realized it's been almost a month since the last one.

Danny's loving work. He's been switched to days while a co-worker is vacationing. We're not sure about the schedule but working with it. He's off weekends so we're enjoying down time then and hanging out with friends. Praise God for the relationships he's brought. Danny's been doing a lot of editing as well as after effects work. They're working on coursework for USC and they might be doing the same for UNC. We're just blessed beyond measure with this job. They way God provided it and is using it to provide for us is amazing and leaves me speechless and humbled on a regular occurrence.

I feel like the Lord is teaching me about discipline and relationships right now as those are two common themes in my readings. The new budget is one that requires discipline in order to pay off debt and not consume more. It's a new place for us. Our lives require discipline, as do our relationships. Exercise is a discipline I lack in and I'm wondering how to kick it into gear. Relationships are a discipline I feel good about sometimes and horrible about other times. I've been reminded of the work and discipline they involve though. If we're stagnant in our relationships they fall apart and people lose interest at best. Marriage takes work, time and effort that we often times don't give.

I love my husband. I think he's pretty wonderful. I'm blessed by the conversations we have together, by the fact that he listens when I speak and respects my opinion. I take for granted how much he cares about me and desires good things for me. He recently attempted a project with some desk chairs and conquered them, which I'm still pretty excited about. It saved us money and created something new. He's my hero.

Lonely nights but wonderful news!

We are proud to announce Wingspan Pictures as Danny's new employer!

August has been amazing. When I wrote a few weeks back there were many uncertainties. After Danny's cousin passed away our small group rallied around him and sent him home. He didn't make it for the funeral, but his time with family was necessary and invaluable. He left a few days after that last post and got to be there almost a week. We praise the Lord often for our community group through Reality LA. We've been there a full year now, and involved in the same community group for that year. We haven't done either of those things at a church since leaving Indiana, and we are blessed beyond imagination by being there.

Danny's first interview with the Apple store didn't go well, as most group interviews do not. After hearing back, he got a call from a different Apple store for an interview. He aced it and we were hopeful. Then came the 2nd interview, with another potential worker at the same time. They had the exact same answers, but the other guy spoke first. Disappointment.

Then came the random message on FB from one of my friends asking for Danny's contact info to be a PA for their neighbor. The guy was impressed by Danny's resume and took him on. He worked on the infomercial where Chef Tony uses knives to cut fruit in the air and cut through aluminum cans.

Thursday he got a call from a friend while on set. His friend had just been at an interview and didn't get the job. They went on to ask him about doing After Effects. He said he knew someone and called Danny. After passing along his information, Wingspan emailed Danny within the hour. Danny needed to work Friday so the interview was set for today.

There was much discussion over the weekend about what this job would entail and the opportunities it would provide. I had just finished reading some chapters in Britt Merrick's book, Big God, about "faith waiting" and I really felt like this was what we had been waiting on. God had placed the verse in Proverbs that says, "Without vision, the people perish" on my heart in July and so we made our goal lists. Then Danny put his resume in with Entertainment Partners. It would have been a great salary and sort of in the industry, but not quite. Then came the Apple Interviews and the PA job. In between there were the dreams (see last post). Now here was a job that would let Danny actually use his degree and do what he really wanted to do, and get paid for it. This felt right.

While these interviews were happening, God provided financially by bringing a nanny gig for a 2 week time period. I had applied for it and they chose someone else. Things changed drastically and I was called in. It was a huge blessing.

When I got the text at 5 today that he was starting immediately, the butterflies in my stomach, the excitement, the desire to yell and jump and dance for joy were all I felt. We are amazed at the way God worked every last detail out for August and for what's to come.

He'll be working 8p-4a. This company has tripled in size in the last month and a half. The current project is to do orientation videos for USC's incoming freshmen. This will take the next month and a half. Because of the current amount of work, they're asking him to do 7 days a week, up to 12 hours per day. It's a lot, but we're thankful. We know our lives will need adjusting, again, but we're thankful. This is not a job where he works one project and then it's done. This is long-term. He'll be doing actual editing (piecing together video's to make them look pretty), After Effects (visual effects and motion graphics), and apparently there's even the potential for him to get on set. He gets to use his degree, completely. There are no benefits but we're so excited and thankful for the opportunity to pay down our debt. This will be the 1st time in 6 years of marriage where we both have jobs in the field we desire and are making money doing it.

In other great news today, I got a 2nd job! I tutored last year but decided not to. I interviewed with a family on Sunday. 2 children, 10 year old male and 13 year old female. Divorced dad within the last few months. In the hour I spent with them I felt like we really connected. They are great kids. When the dad called today to hire me I was stoked. Every Wed, Thurs, and every other Friday I'll get them from school, chauffeur them to their respective lessons, make sure homework gets done as well instrument practicing, and probably get dinner around. I'm really excited about being a part of their lives.

In all of this, we rejoice. We don't just rejoice because the Lord has blessed us beyond our imaginations but because He is good. Many of our friends are going through trials and yet we rejoice. He is our Hope. The world will continue to crumble around us but we still have the confident Hope that He is for us, not against us, and that we get to spend eternity with Him.