Danny now works at Chop, Cut, Rebuild doing editing. He enjoys the work, but it's an hours drive away in Anaheim without traffic. It should take him through December sometime; hopefully their word is better than the other place's.
I started back at Lassen Friday. It was good to be back and feel welcomed by everyone. I'm thankful to have my full hours back finally.
I'm reading Big God with a friend and doing the study guide that comes with it. It's challenging me more than the first time I tried to read it because of the study guide and thinking through how much I actually trust God. This is a great time to read it, considering the circumstances we're in with jobs. I thought I was good, thought that I trusted God thoroughly and was ready to not have stability still. Then Danny's work got switched and we started talking about the future.
We want to have a family. We're ready. But financially we're not. And I know; finances will never be perfect. We're not waiting for perfection. When we first moved here I had to learn to let go of stability and comfort. I got to that point, and I was fine with living completely in the unknown, going with the flow of whatever work was coming in, or wasn't coming in. God always provided, ALWAYS. But when it comes to having a family, to adding children to the mix, we want to be as wise as possible. When we struggle to pay bills for the two of us and Cooper, how can we add a child into that mix? I'm struggling with wanting jobs for both of us that provide financial stability to pay down debt and feel a little more comfortable, wanting jobs that have insurance because there are lots of dr's visits with pregnancy, and jobs that would last longer than a few months here and there. I'm struggling with wanting these things and wondering if it's ok to want them or not. I know that God has called us here and I've learned what that looks like for the two (three with Cooper) of us. Now I'm wondering what that looks like to add one more. I have no answers. I realized that adding a child is the thing that throws me off. I trust God for Danny and I. It's been ridiculous being in LA, honestly. It's been a huge faith journey where we trust God regularly for work to pay the bills and get through another month. Like I said, He's always provided. Now it's a matter of trusting Him to add another one to our little family. Do I trust Him enough to stay in LA?
Along with this comes the questions of promise and suffering. Suffering is part of the Christian walk. If anyone tells you it's not, they're lying to you. Since being here, we've definitely been blessed but it's been a constant struggle. There have been weeks at a time where it's been easier, but it's never lasted. God also promises us a lot of good in His word. How do those two work together?
I don't have answers. I wonder about LA and staying. We don't feel called to leave yet. There are things to do here, people to love. And there's a big "but" hanging in the silence. I've been thinking through this for a couple weeks now. It's hard. I was reminded this morning though that I have a God that is big enough to take my questions, and loves me enough to want me to find the answers. Keep letting go right? Keep trusting? Keep believing? Without answers? Keep walking by faith, even when it feels about the size of a mustard seed?
Praying.
Rochelle- I hear ya on the trust thing. It's much easier to trust God when it doesn't involve caring for someone that can't take care of themself! When we decided to trust God with the timing of our family last October (almost exactly a year ago come to think of it), it took a good few weeks to get used to the idea- I didn't feel ready, I got panicky and realized I had a very hard time trusting that God would work everything out in His perfect timing and provide for us through it. I didn't want to give up that control... ugh, it was very hard at first! But I eventually grew comfortable with the idea of being pregnant and having children over the next few months and it was about 6 months later we conceived.
ReplyDeleteNow that we have Judah in the NICU 15 weeks early, it's another leap of faith but we've seen God working miracles and providing for us in many unforeseen ways. He brings us peace even when it's chaos because we KNOW His timing was perfect for Judah to come be a part of our family, even if not the ideal situation.
He wants us to step out in obedience and give Him control of every area of our lives- pray about what He wants for your family, ask Him to help you give up control and allow Him to give you children in His timing- then watch Him work! It is super super scary but also rewarding and amazing to see Him move- His timing is PERFECT. Praying for you, and trusting your future to Him :)