What happens when life keeps moving

Realizations -

• I miss my Florida peeps. A small group of them reunited this weekend and I was jealous/envious. I still miss them. They're still very much a part of me. It became a little clearer why. I worked with them. They were my family that I saw every single day, except over the summer. I didn't have to worry about seeing them outside of work b/c I knew I'd see them the next day. And there was TIME to see them outside of work. We weren't in church with any of them, but they were some of the best family I've ever been a part of. And that's why they still hold quite a bit of my heart. (Not that I didn't know it was different here, but it was good to realize this and to remember that relationships take work, and that's good and ok and worth it.)
• I don't take very good care of myself. What I mean is that I have so much of a servant's heart that I've learned how to take pretty good care of other people and their feelings, but I haven't really learned how to take care of my own. I don't always have an opinion, partly b/c it means that I can't be held responsible for having that opinion, and partly b/c I want to make sure everyone else's opinions are heard. I've been trying to learn how to do this, but hadn't realized the depth to which it went. I need to have opinions. I need to know what I like and don't like. I need to stand up for myself. My husband is great at standing up for me when he's around, but he's helping me learn that even when it's just the two of us, I need to stand up for myself and have an opinion. It's good to have opinions, and they don't have to be exactly the same as everyone else's, even his. I feel a bit like Julia Roberts in the movie "Runaway Bride" after she runs from Richard Gere and learns what kind of eggs she likes. There are things in my heart that I know I'm passionate about, and then there are many other things that I'm completely passive about and have always just pleased people. So in this, I'm learning to have opinions and state my wants/desires. It's a difficult thing. I grew up without much, and stating my wants/desires wasn't really encouraged. I always felt bad doing it because I knew there wasn't much to be had. So I still feel bad asking for things, or making my wants known. And there were always other people to take care of, to make sure things were going the way they were supposed to for them, and my needs/desires would get put on the back burner. This is something I've been learning since getting married I think. I need to take care of me, better.

Community is changing. We're learning what it means to be in community in this season. We're in a season of work, that's for sure. Really it's just a season where work dominates life and doesn't leave much space for community, at least not during the week. And that's strange for me. Danny started working 4 10-hour days. He's taking Friday completely for him, which has been really good for his introverted self. It makes his Mon-Thurs very long though, and just taking care of our relationship takes up what little time is left in those evenings. This is difficult for me. It makes me feel like life is out of balance. It's not the "normal" 9-5 I've always imagined. As a couple we haven't really had that "normal," but I think it's always in the back of my head, and something I still desire for the ease and simplicity it brings to life. But I really should probably work on letting go of that because it causes me unnecessary strain when it doesn't happen.

Family. The twins are growing and changing and looking more like their mother and father. Danny's nieces and nephews are getting into high school and driving and it's crazy to think about them growing up. Relationships have changed so much and it's weird sometimes. Confrontation is coming I think. Many ideas and emotions that haven't yet been put into complete thoughts. All this makes me think about raising children, and when that day will come for us, if that day will come. I have to remind myself that we're not that old and it can still very much happen. It will just be very different than those back home. Lots of letting go of ideas about life I guess. Still working on being an adult.

Praying for:

• The Sego Project - our dear friends Josh and Chelsea. they're amazing. pray about giving.
• South Sudan Emerging - Jon is going to tell an incredible story. More amazing friends. Please pray about giving here as well.
• a job for me, at a school that reminds me of FL, more than anything that God would be glorified (already applied)
• peace, discipline, change (and willingness to do it)

Teaching

You know when you're young and you're asked what you want to be when you grow up? I remember those conversations pretty well. I love animals, and so for a while I would say I was going to be a vet. Then I realized how long veterinarians have to go to school:) And I realized that I don't love Science quite that much, or blood for that matter. It was sometime in middle or high school that I realized how much I enjoyed children. I started thinking about an associate's degree versus a bachelor's degree and what I really wanted to do. I still credit a friend's mom for the decision to get my bachelor's. She was, and still is, a teacher and her argument was to be more prepared, you never know what's going to happen. Then there was the internship in Texas at Teen Mania and understanding my calling as a teacher. It's part of who I am. It's not something I can get away from. So I teach.

I've only been a college graduate for about 5 years. Finding a teaching job is hard, which is understandable. It's like most jobs, knowing someone is the best way to get in, and I didn't know a lot of people. Volunteering in high school wasn't my high point unfortunately. I taught one whole quarter in IN at Topeka Elementary School. This was my first encounter with unions as well. We had discussed them in college and I wasn't a huge fan of them already. They honestly just didn't sound like something I wanted to be involved in. I don't really like big groups, and I don't want my money to go towards policies and political candidates I don't agree with. The woman who approached me while at Topeka told me how great the union was in helping her win a court case. That was first positive story I'd heard, but I was saving for a big move and didn't think I'd need the union before then, so I didn't join.

In FL, I got hired into a public charter school. Overall, it was amazing. The first year was the hardest, but I learned a lot, and I was supported by those around me. I did my best and gave my all. There was no union to be a part of. We had a school board that watched out for us, as teachers, and helped make sure things were running smoothly. Our salaries were lower than that of the district we were in, but I remember it only being about $1K less. With our school board though, we were given bonuses throughout the year, or gifts for things I wouldn't have gotten in a public school. I didn't think a lot about public education or being in a union because I didn't feel affected by it all. Our school was A-rated and rising and we were doing pretty great.

Now I'm in CA. LAUSD (Los Angeles Unified School District) is the 2nd biggest district in the nation. I feel small, to say the least. Budget cuts are everywhere. None of the public districts are hiring because they're all on a freeze, except for a few select positions like Math and Science or Special Education. I've found a teaching job through a 3rd party company and truly enjoy what I do, though I miss being in a regular education classroom.

Being where I'm at, I've seen first-hand the affects of these budget cuts. 30+ students in a classroom. Teachers at their wits ends, frustrated by lack of support and funds, and yet piled high with more paperwork (I understand the paperwork to a certain extent - my principal loved data and we all learned many was to collect and analyze it. But now I enjoy it because I see the benefits of knowing where your student is, through data, and helping them set and achieve goals, through the same data.) What is frustrating for me is watching a generation of students be left behind. I have fourth grade students who can barely read, who don't know things I know I taught in FL to mine, and who have little to no self-confidence. I watch students sit through 30 minutes of work time doing nothing because there is not a teacher standing behind them. I am more concerned now than ever before about the future. I wonder at the ability of these students to learn what's necessary to be successful, and to lead our country. I wonder at how I can make a change, a difference, even in the short amount of time I see them every week.

I say all of this to because I believe there has to be a change. The pendulum has to swing again in the education sector. We watched Waiting for Superman recently and I was reminded about the need for change. I believe in much of what the film says. I know that not all public schools are bad, and that not all public school teachers are bad. There are bad teachers in private schools, probably, but they don't have a union keeping them there. Waiting for Superman really just outlines all the negative ideas I've had about unions and portrays them in a thought-provoking documentary.

So I've spent the last few hours perusing these websites below to get a better understanding, a more unbiased view of unions.
1. American Federation of Teachers
2. Nation Education Association - the biggest union in the country
3. a blogger with the NEA

And then some other websites as well I found helpful.
1. Teachers Unions Exposed - a special project of Center for Union Facts
2. LAUSD's Dance of the Lemons - article by LA Weekly

So basically, I still don't like unions. They were created as a way to help make sure that people were taken care of, earned an appropriate salary for their work, and weren't abused by "the system". I see this happening sometimes. But most of the time I see unions working for people who need to be fired. I don't see the good that unions claim they're doing, I don't see the positive affects. Maybe I'm not looking in the right places. Teachers are the most underpaid worker out there, at least that I know of. I'm sure you've seen the forwarded email, or facebook note, about paying teachers like a babysitter and seeing how much they would be paid if that were the case. The majority of teachers I know are passionate about their work and aren't paid enough to be as good as they are. I know it's hard being a teacher. I know it's hard preparing kids for tests. But teachers seem to be afraid of merit pay because of all the unknown variables in a child's life, or all the known negative variables we have no control over. How do you teach a child who ate candy for breakfast, gets dropped off at school at 7am when school starts at 8am, doesn't get picked up until 5:30pm, has no one at home asking about whether or not they have homework, doesn't look in their backpack, plays video games all evening, and goes to bed late? Who do you blame? As a teacher, I say it can no longer be about the blame, but simply about being the best that you can be and giving every student your all. Stop worrying about the things you cannot change and work on the things you can. I say merit pay is good because to me, it seems like best-practice - things we were taught in college to become great teachers. I would take merit pay over being a part of a union any day.

I want to make a change. I want to make a difference. I don't want this generation to grow up without hope, to grow up not believing in themselves. I believe that every child can be successful; what that looks like is going to be different for every child though. We don't have a cookie-cutter that gives us children exactly the same. Every one is different and every one deserves our best as teachers. So when it all comes down to it, what are you fighting for? Collective bargaining rights or students?

It's not over, but it's going to be quite a ride.

The work update

Danny is now the editor of Chop, Cut, Rebuild. Check your local listings for when it's on in your area on Speed Channel. We're pretty excited. I'm stoked that it's only been a year and a half and he's already on his way. 48 week contract under his belt. It feels slightly stable, and we'll take that. It's still a drive, but he really likes the people he works with and talks about them all the time. Being under leadership with great ideas and vision is a huge plus, whether you're a believer or not.

He's also serving at church now, which I think is super cool. I serve at our info table and realized this past Sunday that it's really a great fit because I actually get to have conversations with people instead of just say one word before they move on. Danny is starting his service in our Media and Tech department. He got to sit in the booth last Sunday. We have 2 cameras at every service and they're switching between the two so he'll be helping out with all that. It's nice being "behind the scenes" at church again. There's definitely a difference in the people you meet and learn to know when you're serving compared to just attending.

In other news... I'm applying everywhere I can to see about teaching this fall. I'm hoping/believing that God's got something better for the fall. So... we'll see what happens.

All power and authority

I went to a worship service last week. We really enjoy our church, but there's an aspect of the Holy Spirit missing. The Holy Spirit is how we live this life Christ calls us to. Without the Holy Spirit, we are powerless. Here are some reminders.

Luke 9:1 - 2
We're given authority over demons and the ability to heal sickness. We have the authority. Danny and I have been praying, asking God for direction, wondering about staying or going. Being in this service reminded me that we have authority and we need to stop letting Satan get in our way. He doesn't want us here. He doesn't want us feeling comfortable doing what God has called us to. We haven't felt peace about leaving, we haven't really planned on it, and this was confirmation about why. We're not supposed to. We need to learn how to fight instead. We need to put the Devil on notice in our lives and kick him out of every aspect of it and live in the authority that Christ has given us. We've been praying and praying and praying but we haven't been walking in the power. When we pray, we need to believe we have received what we've asked for and DO IT. It's so easy to get caught up in the praying, in asking people to just pray for help but when do we act on it? We've been living in this so I'm preaching to the choir here. We've been struggling and asking for help when in fact, we need to be fighting. Every day is a battle and we need to acknowledge that and be the soldiers we're called to be. So take the authority He's given you and live in the calling He's put on your life. Don't back down and let the Devil get the best of you. Don't let him keep your spirits low and keep you from praising God.

Mark 4:35-41
Don't be in awe of the storm you're currently in. Be in awe of the one who slept through the storm. The storm is powerful, yes, but there is One who can calm the storm. The disciples woke him up and He rebuked the storm. He took the authority He'd been given and rebuked the wind and the rain. There are storms we're all struggling through. Life is not easy; that's not something God promised. But He did promise that He'd be with us and He'd give us everything we needed. So stop whining and complaining about the storm and start taking the authority that's been given to you, rebuke that storm, and start living. Acknowledge the circumstances in your life but stop letting them rule your life and your decisions.

Acts
Paul was converted in Acts. He was called to preach and he traveled around the country. Many times there were people who wanted to stone him. He was stoned at one point and left to die. But time and again, Paul didn't give up. Even when he was imprisoned, he didn't give up. He surrounded himself with disciples, people who believed in the Truth of the Gospel, people who prayed with him and walked in authority with him. Even when Paul was stoned and left to die, he got up and returned to that city. He didn't let circumstances hold him back from doing what God had called him to do. This was the one that really hit me. We've allowed our circumstances to hold us back from doing what we're supposed to be doing. Life is changing and that's fine, but we're still called to be here. We don't have peace about leaving, we haven't been called elsewhere, so we stay and we fight. So we're learning how to fight and how to be soldiers in this place. We need to stop looking for sympathy and start finding our prayer warriors who stand and take authority with us over our circumstances, kicking the Devil back where he belongs, and moving forward into what God has called us to.

"If you love Him, you've got to obey Him."

Be empowered today. Walk in the authority Christ has given you. Put the Devil on notice and take back what he's stolen. He came to steal, kill, and destroy. Christ came to give life, and life abundantly. Who would you rather live for? Who would you rather have in control? I'm walking with the Father, in the Truth and Power of His Word. I hope you choose the same.

Tithing

I've been thinking a lot about this lately and just felt led to blog about our story with it. So here's to boasting in the Father.

We always tithed. I was a disciplined tither, as was Danny. We got married and it didn't change. We moved to Fl and it didn't change. We moved to LA and something happened.

In the fall of 2009 we were fresh here and unsure about where the money was coming in. We walked in fear instead of trusting God to provide. One Sunday we decided not to tithe. We decided to pay bills instead. After that, we didn't tithe. Only when we felt like we had extra money, or saw it in our checking, did we tithe. It was not often.

This fall I started reading Big God with a friend. We were talking about verses to memorize and she mentioned Malachi 3:10. We talked about tithing and how we hadn't been. I can't describe her exact response, but she loved me and challenged me. I worked on memorizing that verse and we talked. We decided it was time to trust God with our finances again. We had made it through the year and God had provided, but we had been withholding from Him what was His. When He blesses us, it's so that we can bless others and that was not something we had been doing.

The changing point came one Sunday at church. It was the first Sunday we were tithing again. There was not much in checking that week. We knew there was more coming but we didn't know when and the bills were more than what was coming in. We talked about giving some of our tithe, but not the whole 10%. At church we struggled, sat and cried, and finally gave in to what God was asking. We rewrote the check for the full amount. Literally, the next day we were blessed with a financial gift that was enough to cover two of our biggest bills, due within days. We were completely provided for, beyond our imaginations.

That was in October. Since then, I can look back and am amazed at the way God has kept His promise. Tithing is the one thing that we're allowed to test God with, and we've done just that. And He's done His part. There has been extra work, extra provision, just extra. The numbers don't line up on paper. It's not logical. The amount we've been able to tithe is beautiful and exciting. The things we've been able to do with the extra have been blessed.

I know tithing is hard when there's not much coming in. For us, it was about remembering that God's word is true. You are a child of the King who rules the Earth. He's good. Why would He not want you to be able to pay your bills? Trust Him, and watch Him take care of you like you never imagined.

Part of the problem

I'm part of the problem. I didn't want to recognize it. It's not pretty. It makes my insides pretty darn ugly actually. But I have some sense of clarity, something to work on. It may not change our circumstances, it may not change the world, but it'll change me. Yuck. It won't be easy, I can see that already. I don't like that I have to work on it. It's humbling. And again, it's yucky. I need help. So I'm seeking that out. It'll be a good road, a good journey, though it may not be fun. Here goes everything.

Nothing new, and yet, wanting more

Christmas and New Year's have come and gone. I was able to go to Indiana for a week, meet the nephews, and hang out with people I haven't seen in years.

Being home makes you think about being close to family. Things are not what they used to be, which is good and bad. People change, though apparently not everyone wants to. I've realized I'm strange for wanting to change. I've also realized it's partly circumstantial. But I'm also a firm believer in change and growth. If I stay the same person I've always been, how is Christ at work within me?

Back to Indiana and people. The twins were great. There was definitely talk about having our own and wanting to be closer to family. Always happens when you're around family. There are 16 nieces and nephews now when you combine the 2 sides. That's a lot of cousins, if only we were having one of our own.

The questions all returned: is it time to move, are we running from a hard situation or acknowledging it's not working, do we keep pushing when it doesn't feel like there's anything to push for? It was funny being around all these mom's and listening to them talk about their experiences. We have never wanted to use the government to have kids, though we're kind of the reason they're there. We have jobs, they just don't provide enough. The question then becomes, should we be having them in the first place? I like to talk myself in circles; one of my fun qualities.

I also realized that we haven't been anywhere for more than 2.5 years since getting married. I mean, we move apartments every 12 months or less, but we move states every couple years. I'm not sure I know how to settle down anymore, and that's something else I feel like is on the list of things "needed" to have a family. I know the list in my head isn't all necessary. They're more things that I want and desire, things that would be really nice to have. Then I think about our age, and I know we're not old by any means, but things change as you gain years and babies are harder. Oy. Babies. I'd like my own. So what does that look like?

More than anything, this all brings me right back to my knees. After reading Big God I've been so challenged and prayer is part of that. I want prayer and worship, I need it in my life. I need it in a way that's outside of my comfort zone. I need God more than anything. That's the honest truth. I can talk myself in circles; I generally do talk myself in circles. He is the only one who provides strength, wisdom, love, and direction. So I will pray. I will wait. And I will trust that His plans are always best.

"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver."Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."
— C.S. Lewis (The Chronicles of Narnia)