Nothing new, and yet, wanting more

Christmas and New Year's have come and gone. I was able to go to Indiana for a week, meet the nephews, and hang out with people I haven't seen in years.

Being home makes you think about being close to family. Things are not what they used to be, which is good and bad. People change, though apparently not everyone wants to. I've realized I'm strange for wanting to change. I've also realized it's partly circumstantial. But I'm also a firm believer in change and growth. If I stay the same person I've always been, how is Christ at work within me?

Back to Indiana and people. The twins were great. There was definitely talk about having our own and wanting to be closer to family. Always happens when you're around family. There are 16 nieces and nephews now when you combine the 2 sides. That's a lot of cousins, if only we were having one of our own.

The questions all returned: is it time to move, are we running from a hard situation or acknowledging it's not working, do we keep pushing when it doesn't feel like there's anything to push for? It was funny being around all these mom's and listening to them talk about their experiences. We have never wanted to use the government to have kids, though we're kind of the reason they're there. We have jobs, they just don't provide enough. The question then becomes, should we be having them in the first place? I like to talk myself in circles; one of my fun qualities.

I also realized that we haven't been anywhere for more than 2.5 years since getting married. I mean, we move apartments every 12 months or less, but we move states every couple years. I'm not sure I know how to settle down anymore, and that's something else I feel like is on the list of things "needed" to have a family. I know the list in my head isn't all necessary. They're more things that I want and desire, things that would be really nice to have. Then I think about our age, and I know we're not old by any means, but things change as you gain years and babies are harder. Oy. Babies. I'd like my own. So what does that look like?

More than anything, this all brings me right back to my knees. After reading Big God I've been so challenged and prayer is part of that. I want prayer and worship, I need it in my life. I need it in a way that's outside of my comfort zone. I need God more than anything. That's the honest truth. I can talk myself in circles; I generally do talk myself in circles. He is the only one who provides strength, wisdom, love, and direction. So I will pray. I will wait. And I will trust that His plans are always best.

"Safe?" said Mr. Beaver."Who said anything about safe? 'Course he isn't safe. But he's good. He's the King, I tell you."
— C.S. Lewis (The Chronicles of Narnia)