Teeter-totter

Balance is something we all strive for and, if you're like me, probably don't feel like you have achieved it very often. For me, this week was a reminder of how a little 1.5 pound man came into my life for a brief moment, and changed it forever. I'm thankful for the change, for the transition into a new season, and for the balance coming from it.

To achieve this balance I've taken some things out of my life, and I've found freedom and contentment in their place. Though I don't show my emotions very often outwardly, I am finding that my emotions are actually swayed pretty easily on the inside. More than anything, this causes discontentment in my life. Being a doer, an action person, also affects this. If you give me a list, my biggest goal of the day will include checking off everything on it. Even if the things on that list aren't life-giving, or necessary, they still need to be done.

This balance, and removal, process affects every part of my life. I'm figuring out what is necessary, what is good, what gives life, and what doesn't. I'm taking inventory of what I put into my life, what I allow into my life, and if it's needed or not. Ultimately, I'm working on taking care of my heart and finding contentment. I'm learning to say no and to set up boundaries. This means that I'm learning, slowly, how to not do everything and make everyone else happy.

1 Thessalonians 4:11 (ESV) and to aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands, as we instructed you

1 Timothy 2:2-3 (ESV) for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior

How are you finding balance? 

How are you practicing self-care?

Rose Parade

Since living in California, there are many things we have not done, many things we have not experienced, so we have decided to do as much as possible now. First on that list was the Rose Bowl Parade. You can set up camp at 11am on Dec. 31 on the streets of Pasadena. Since I had to work, we decided to go over around 2am and see what we could find. It's an experience I recommend having at least once, but here's what we learned:

1. figure out where to park before you get there

2. do not sit close to a tow truck entrance to the parade

3. sit on the south side of Colorado (we faced the sun on the north side)

If you decide to go in the middle of the night, using a sleeping bag as a cocoon worked great to keep me warm. Many people brought along propane tanks with heaters attached and heat lamps like you see at restaurants. You don't need any lights because of the streetlights. Even the people who showed up behind us around 4:30am or so were in the third row, which still isn't that bad. More than anything, be respectful to the people who have been there longer than you and don't stand in front of them. 

Merry-go-round

One of the biggest things I'm learning with grief is that it's not a journey that goes in a straight line. Grief weaves in and out of your life, bringing memories when you least expect it. The best way I've heard grief explained is like a merry-go-round. You never know where the ride is going to stop.

If you're walking with someone through grief, give them space to share. Care about the words they say, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable. I won't promise you it's fun, but being there for someone as they grieve makes you a pretty amazing person because it's not something that very many people do.

For me, I know people care when they listen when I'm real, and don't just move on through my answer without acknowledging what I've said. I know people care when they tell me they think of Jonathan, or they remember what would have been his due date. I know people care when they join me in my memories and recognize that this journey isn't over. We received a balloon and a card for Christmas from a woman who has a website because she lost a child. I don't know how she got our name, and it was hard to receive at first because I hadn't been thinking about Jonathan and what his one year birthday would look like, but I'm thankful for it now. I'm thankful that someone was remembering him, us, and our story.

I'm sure grief looks different for everyone, and it's not something I expect everyone I know to walk with me through. I simply encourage you to be gentle with those who have lost someone. Find out from them what they need, and how you can continue to care for them. I appreciate the people who help me laugh every day, and am thankful that it's some of those same people who provide space for me to be real.

One day at a time, one day at a time.

Land mines

I know right?! Who chooses a title like that?

I appreciate that the Lord never fails us and never forgets about (forsakes) us. I have to admit that I don't always appreciate His timing.

I'm finding that it's actually not a lack of trust and faith in Him right now, but a lack of practice and living it. We very consciously took ourselves out of community and focused on our marriage. Our marriage needed that time, was blessed by that time. Without that intentional meeting of people together on a weekly basis though, I don't find myself talking about my faith as much.

Community is about living together with people, learning together with like-minded people, discussing life and the Lord and how it all works together. There's always a time of prayer and always space to encourage one another and be encouraged. Outside of an intentional group, it's funny how those key components don't happen. Encouragement and prayer should flow from us as Christians, but it doesn't. Maybe I'll leave that for another post.

What I'm finding right now is that I actually don't have a lack of faith and trust in the One that I've known my whole life. I have a lack of practice, a lack of living it. I also have frustrations because there are some unanswered prayers, or at least prayers I've wanted answered specifically that didn't happen the way I was hoping for. So I'm not over it, I'm not through it. There's still stuff, but I'm learning what the real stuff is.

Those land mines? I'm gonna call them all the ways in which I'm not content. I'm also gonna call them all the ways in which I feel like I get to fix it, when in reality I need to continue to let Him fix it. There's a lot of things I want right now that I don't have - hello discontentment. Some of those things I feel like I can touch, like I can be part of the solution. It can be good for me to get involved, but I have to continually remind myself, and be reminded, that I'm not superwoman. I'm not God.

So the journey continues. The one where I focus on Him and choose faith daily. The one where I choose to be intentional about talking to Him and giving him my wants because He's ultimately the one I trust to take care of them. The one where I choose to be intentional about sharing this life, giving and receiving encouragement. The one where I choose to let Him do the work because it's part of who He is. The one where I trust the Holy Spirit to lead me in Daddy's timing and stop trying to just do it my way.

Little one

We celebrated October birthdays at work on Thursday, and I almost cried. I had that small revelation that life is continuing, without you. My birthday is in 2 weeks and I realized that you won't be here with me to celebrate it. While other mommies are dressing their children for Halloween, I'll be thinking of you and what I would have put you in, or if I would have cared. Then there's Thanksgiving, right before you're due date. It will be a time of thankfulness as always, but also a time of remembering. You will not be there to experience your first turkey, or your first gathering of people who adore you.

I'm not sure what you're due date will be like. I have many days where I imagine what life would be like if you were still in my womb. I'm sure that day will be more of the same, thoughts about what life may have been like. I would be learning your sounds, differentiating between the coos to understand what you need. Cradling you in my arms would be my favorite past time, along with snuggling against your silky hair and smooth skin. My arms are empty without you. I want to be making new memories with you but instead I hold on to the memories that I have.

I see other babies and I think of you more and more. I think about how big you would be now, what you would be wearing and the things you would be learning. I think about how you would be affecting my life, how my schedule would be completely different. Daddy had a dentist appointment this morning and I ran some errands while I waited on him. I never would have thought that driving around town would make me miss you, but I did. I wanted you with me, hanging out in your car seat in the back, either sleeping or crying your eyes out as babies do. I just wanted you along for the ride, in my life and part of me. Some days the moving forward is more difficult. I miss you and I long for you to be with us.

Though I appreciate being back at work, I have felt so removed from you and your life. It makes sense, as my days are filled with projects and phone calls and details that don't involve you. It's been strange to almost feel like you are not real, simply because life continues. I assume this is natural, but it's a strange part of the journey, learning this process of moving on without forgetting.

Freedom

1 month
I talked to you today. It's weird not acknowledging that time has passed, so I need to. I like that Daddy reads through your story often. It helps him to remember you. I'm thankful that your things are with us so that I can just talk with you, about your life and how it's affected our lives. You are real. It's easy to "forget" as we continue to live, but then I remember your birth. I remember the joy of holding you. We are living on this earth without you, but you are forever in my heart. I'm so proud to be your momma. 

Learning
I'm learning that emotions are healthy. As I'm allowing myself to cry, and to experience hurt and anger, I see that I have been stuffing my emotions. From a young age, I learned to run from "negative" emotions and not allow myself to feel them. Specifically, I have not allowed myself to experience hurt, anger, and sadness. Even though I've known a lot of sadness in my life, it's still not emotion that's easy for me.


I'm learning that I can be in control of my emotions, but that I need to allow myself to experience them. People will always fail me and I learned to accept that early on. I learned to offer forgiveness quickly, but I didn't really learn what to do with my feelings when I had them later. Now I'm seeing that I can still forgive, even in the midst of experiencing a "negative" emotion. Anger, sadness, hurt, frustration, devastation... all of these emotions are healthy and good. God created our emotions for us to experience them. He didn't intend for us to be run by our emotions, for us to make decisions based solely on our emotions, but to experience them. I am learning to acknowledge and validate my emotions when they come, instead of pushing them aside. 

I have kept myself from experiencing sadness, hurt, and anger, and it has affected my life in ways I didn't realize until this experience. I have watched, and listened, as others have told me how God has used Jonathan's story in their own life. I have been humbled by it and in awe of His power to use a crappy situation for His good. I knew He could do the same in my life, but I didn't expect it in the way it's happening. Through this journey of grief, our marriage is being strengthened as we experience emotions together for the first time. I'm so thankful for the freedom He's bringing into our lives.

the Father
In the midst of this journey I'm reminded of His amazing goodness, His utter love for us. In our pain, I know He's scooping us up in His arms and holding us tight. He's wiped away every tear we've cried. We are resting in His arms as we move forward. We may not know all the why's, but we know that this situation has not changed anything about Him and His character.

God is good all the time. And all the time, God is good.

Support and appreciation

Since we heard Jonathan's diagnosis, way back in July, we have been covered in prayer. Our family members allowed us to talk freely about the many thoughts going through our head and held us. Our community group immediately prayed over us and our son. My coworkers followed suit. I was checked on regularly, if not constantly, via texts, phone calls, and people at work asking how I was doing.

People wanted to help right away, and it was hard telling people what we needed in the beginning. What do you need while you wait? But we were loved on by people spending time with us and allowing us space to talk.

Since Jonathan's passing, we have been so blessed by the body of Christ. 

Thank you for praying. 

Thank you for giving financially. 

Thank you for checking in via texts, emails, Facebook messages, phone calls, or cards. 

Thank you for sitting with us through tears and laughter.
Thank you for listening.

Thank you for being honest about not knowing what to say or do. 

Thank you for asking us what you can do, and then acting on those things. 

Thank you for providing food and meals. 

Thank you for moving us: for packing the uhaul, cleaning an apartment, and unpacking the uhaul and boxes. 

Thank you for sharing our story. 

Thank you for thinking of us.
Thank you for coming to pick up the crib and giving it to someone who needs it.

Thank you for supporting us as we walk this journey. 

Our journey isn't over; we still need you. We need your prayers as we navigate "normal" life. We need your phone calls and time. Hanging out with you helps us as well. Financially we're still unsure of how it's all going to work out. Danny has been back at work and we are thankful for those hours. We are living off that paycheck alone as I am on leave until September 30th and we're still waiting for my disability insurance to come in. We've had people donate through the PayPal link at the top, send us checks in the mail (ask if you need our address), give us grocery cards, and even pay for a haircut. These have been really helpful as life has continued and unexpected expenses have come.

In the midst of moving forward, we thank you. We are incredibly grateful and blessed.