to believe or not to believe

Danny now works at Chop, Cut, Rebuild doing editing. He enjoys the work, but it's an hours drive away in Anaheim without traffic. It should take him through December sometime; hopefully their word is better than the other place's.

I started back at Lassen Friday. It was good to be back and feel welcomed by everyone. I'm thankful to have my full hours back finally.

I'm reading Big God with a friend and doing the study guide that comes with it. It's challenging me more than the first time I tried to read it because of the study guide and thinking through how much I actually trust God. This is a great time to read it, considering the circumstances we're in with jobs. I thought I was good, thought that I trusted God thoroughly and was ready to not have stability still. Then Danny's work got switched and we started talking about the future.

We want to have a family. We're ready. But financially we're not. And I know; finances will never be perfect. We're not waiting for perfection. When we first moved here I had to learn to let go of stability and comfort. I got to that point, and I was fine with living completely in the unknown, going with the flow of whatever work was coming in, or wasn't coming in. God always provided, ALWAYS. But when it comes to having a family, to adding children to the mix, we want to be as wise as possible. When we struggle to pay bills for the two of us and Cooper, how can we add a child into that mix? I'm struggling with wanting jobs for both of us that provide financial stability to pay down debt and feel a little more comfortable, wanting jobs that have insurance because there are lots of dr's visits with pregnancy, and jobs that would last longer than a few months here and there. I'm struggling with wanting these things and wondering if it's ok to want them or not. I know that God has called us here and I've learned what that looks like for the two (three with Cooper) of us. Now I'm wondering what that looks like to add one more. I have no answers. I realized that adding a child is the thing that throws me off. I trust God for Danny and I. It's been ridiculous being in LA, honestly. It's been a huge faith journey where we trust God regularly for work to pay the bills and get through another month. Like I said, He's always provided. Now it's a matter of trusting Him to add another one to our little family. Do I trust Him enough to stay in LA?

Along with this comes the questions of promise and suffering. Suffering is part of the Christian walk. If anyone tells you it's not, they're lying to you. Since being here, we've definitely been blessed but it's been a constant struggle. There have been weeks at a time where it's been easier, but it's never lasted. God also promises us a lot of good in His word. How do those two work together?

I don't have answers. I wonder about LA and staying. We don't feel called to leave yet. There are things to do here, people to love. And there's a big "but" hanging in the silence. I've been thinking through this for a couple weeks now. It's hard. I was reminded this morning though that I have a God that is big enough to take my questions, and loves me enough to want me to find the answers. Keep letting go right? Keep trusting? Keep believing? Without answers? Keep walking by faith, even when it feels about the size of a mustard seed?

Praying.

New thoughts

What we thought we had, we don't. The hours are gone, the work is gone; we're left waiting.

Yet another chance to trust the Lord, another chance to lean in and wonder at His plans and His ways that are not ours. Sadly, I find myself struggling with this one more than I have and it frustrates me. The situation is slightly different though.

I'm thankful that my husband is utilizing contacts, putting out feelers, and thinking outside the box. We're at somewhat of a loss right now. Literally all I can do is pray. There's nothing more and nothing less. Will you join us?

Update of completely random thoughts

Boring title, right? I couldn't come up with anything better but realized it's been almost a month since the last one.

Danny's loving work. He's been switched to days while a co-worker is vacationing. We're not sure about the schedule but working with it. He's off weekends so we're enjoying down time then and hanging out with friends. Praise God for the relationships he's brought. Danny's been doing a lot of editing as well as after effects work. They're working on coursework for USC and they might be doing the same for UNC. We're just blessed beyond measure with this job. They way God provided it and is using it to provide for us is amazing and leaves me speechless and humbled on a regular occurrence.

I feel like the Lord is teaching me about discipline and relationships right now as those are two common themes in my readings. The new budget is one that requires discipline in order to pay off debt and not consume more. It's a new place for us. Our lives require discipline, as do our relationships. Exercise is a discipline I lack in and I'm wondering how to kick it into gear. Relationships are a discipline I feel good about sometimes and horrible about other times. I've been reminded of the work and discipline they involve though. If we're stagnant in our relationships they fall apart and people lose interest at best. Marriage takes work, time and effort that we often times don't give.

I love my husband. I think he's pretty wonderful. I'm blessed by the conversations we have together, by the fact that he listens when I speak and respects my opinion. I take for granted how much he cares about me and desires good things for me. He recently attempted a project with some desk chairs and conquered them, which I'm still pretty excited about. It saved us money and created something new. He's my hero.

Lonely nights but wonderful news!

We are proud to announce Wingspan Pictures as Danny's new employer!

August has been amazing. When I wrote a few weeks back there were many uncertainties. After Danny's cousin passed away our small group rallied around him and sent him home. He didn't make it for the funeral, but his time with family was necessary and invaluable. He left a few days after that last post and got to be there almost a week. We praise the Lord often for our community group through Reality LA. We've been there a full year now, and involved in the same community group for that year. We haven't done either of those things at a church since leaving Indiana, and we are blessed beyond imagination by being there.

Danny's first interview with the Apple store didn't go well, as most group interviews do not. After hearing back, he got a call from a different Apple store for an interview. He aced it and we were hopeful. Then came the 2nd interview, with another potential worker at the same time. They had the exact same answers, but the other guy spoke first. Disappointment.

Then came the random message on FB from one of my friends asking for Danny's contact info to be a PA for their neighbor. The guy was impressed by Danny's resume and took him on. He worked on the infomercial where Chef Tony uses knives to cut fruit in the air and cut through aluminum cans.

Thursday he got a call from a friend while on set. His friend had just been at an interview and didn't get the job. They went on to ask him about doing After Effects. He said he knew someone and called Danny. After passing along his information, Wingspan emailed Danny within the hour. Danny needed to work Friday so the interview was set for today.

There was much discussion over the weekend about what this job would entail and the opportunities it would provide. I had just finished reading some chapters in Britt Merrick's book, Big God, about "faith waiting" and I really felt like this was what we had been waiting on. God had placed the verse in Proverbs that says, "Without vision, the people perish" on my heart in July and so we made our goal lists. Then Danny put his resume in with Entertainment Partners. It would have been a great salary and sort of in the industry, but not quite. Then came the Apple Interviews and the PA job. In between there were the dreams (see last post). Now here was a job that would let Danny actually use his degree and do what he really wanted to do, and get paid for it. This felt right.

While these interviews were happening, God provided financially by bringing a nanny gig for a 2 week time period. I had applied for it and they chose someone else. Things changed drastically and I was called in. It was a huge blessing.

When I got the text at 5 today that he was starting immediately, the butterflies in my stomach, the excitement, the desire to yell and jump and dance for joy were all I felt. We are amazed at the way God worked every last detail out for August and for what's to come.

He'll be working 8p-4a. This company has tripled in size in the last month and a half. The current project is to do orientation videos for USC's incoming freshmen. This will take the next month and a half. Because of the current amount of work, they're asking him to do 7 days a week, up to 12 hours per day. It's a lot, but we're thankful. We know our lives will need adjusting, again, but we're thankful. This is not a job where he works one project and then it's done. This is long-term. He'll be doing actual editing (piecing together video's to make them look pretty), After Effects (visual effects and motion graphics), and apparently there's even the potential for him to get on set. He gets to use his degree, completely. There are no benefits but we're so excited and thankful for the opportunity to pay down our debt. This will be the 1st time in 6 years of marriage where we both have jobs in the field we desire and are making money doing it.

In other great news today, I got a 2nd job! I tutored last year but decided not to. I interviewed with a family on Sunday. 2 children, 10 year old male and 13 year old female. Divorced dad within the last few months. In the hour I spent with them I felt like we really connected. They are great kids. When the dad called today to hire me I was stoked. Every Wed, Thurs, and every other Friday I'll get them from school, chauffeur them to their respective lessons, make sure homework gets done as well instrument practicing, and probably get dinner around. I'm really excited about being a part of their lives.

In all of this, we rejoice. We don't just rejoice because the Lord has blessed us beyond our imaginations but because He is good. Many of our friends are going through trials and yet we rejoice. He is our Hope. The world will continue to crumble around us but we still have the confident Hope that He is for us, not against us, and that we get to spend eternity with Him.

Things I'm learning/realizing

We're making goals and I'm super excited about this. I've had the verse in Proverbs that says, "Without vision the people perish" in my head so we've been working on getting thoughts on paper and having a better idea of where we're going and some ideas about how we're getting there. It's fun to look at and think about the future again.

On that note, LA is becoming home. We used to talk about "going home" as our backup plan, like back to IN. It was a security blanket I think, plan B if we ever needed it. After talking through goals and finances, we realized moving back to IN and living with family wouldn't actually save us that much money. Certain things would be cheaper, don't get me wrong, but overall we'd have to have the same type of jobs that we need here in order to really pay down debt and make the move worthwhile. So why not just stay? That, and we realized we don't have a desire to move back anymore. Sorry family, we love you dearly and want to be close and see you, but... LA is becoming home. That's soooo exciting for me especially and I think Danny too. Florida was very much home before we left and we both definitely still miss it, but the family that God has blessed us with here is becoming more wonderful by the week and we're loving the relationships He has us in that are unfolding. I honestly didn't know if this day would come, calling LA home, but I feel good about it. And I even feel half-way decent about getting pregnant here. No we're not pregnant now but that conversation has come up more and it's something I'd like to do sooner than later. I'm being as vague as possible on that point:)

We're very excited about where God is taking us right now. He's been working through Danny's dreams in the past few weeks. The day his cousin passed away in IN he dreamt that Cooper died in a very similar way. Then he had dreams about the end of the world and we prayed a lot about what those meant. Then he had dreams I was pregnant. So we're thinking the end of the world dreams are about a season of our lives ending, not so much the actual world. And then a friend brought up the idea last night that the pregnant dreams could very well be us impregnated with something new. Which all makes sense because of the next paragraph.

Danny has an interview on Tuesday with the Apple store. He would be at the location about 5 blocks away from our apartment if he gets it. We're really hoping this will be his chance to get out of Massage Envy finally, or potentially work two jobs and pull in extra money to maybe pay down debt. We're soooo excited about this interview and the opportunity for something new. Working at Apple also means discounts and he definitely needs a more powerful computer in order to keep doing the After Effects work, and be able to do it faster. He also has a resume in at a company called Entertainment Partners. We have friends who work there who gave him the heads up. Apparently everyone, including HR, thinks likes his resume a lot so we're praying/hoping for a call from them. That job would mean a salary we've never had the whole time we've been married and benefits. It would be a complete God-thing. It would be 9-6 with an hour lunch so it also means a "normal" work week.

With those two opportunities, he's also created a flier for his photography that we'll be posting on Craigslist. He's excited about getting it out there and hoping for the ability to get work on the weekends or evenings doing pictures. It's another part of the industry that he loves and wants to be more involved in. After the flier was completed he's been working on doing tutorials and learning more about the program After Effects so that he can create more projects and put his reel together. Once his reel is ready, hopefully by October at the latest, he'll be sending that out with his resume to all his contacts and his Full Sail guy. It's exciting to see him motivated and working towards accomplishing his dreams.

I finally got called by the temp agency and I'm working with a grassroots group to sign petitions against the healthcare plan. We're also working on registering voters. I have had some very interesting conversations since starting this. And yes, this does mean that I am currently one of those people that stands outside the grocery store asking you to sign. The exciting part is that I've made some contacts for Danny randomly through these conversations. Also the guy I'm working with daily has me in the office this week to help him out with administrative stuff. If you know me at all, you know that I'm organized and clean and love to be on top of all that. This is so exciting for me and I'm hoping it'll be helpful on my resume for other odd jobs of being an administrative assistant during the summers/breaks if necessary. It's always good to diversify your resume, especially being a teacher in this economy.

I've also had some call-backs about babysitting and the kids I've worked with are absolutely great. I'm looking forward to more fun times with them when they need me. School starts September 13 and I'll be working all 5 days this year. I'm planning on tutoring for the same company I did last year as well.

God has been faithful and our faith has been stretched. These last two months have been so hard financially, and yet Sunday mornings have been exactly what we needed, when we needed them. Our pastor is working through Romans 12, verse by verse. Through Him we've made it. Through Him we'll continue to make it. Through Him we'll keep moving forward. Our hope is in Him and Him alone. We've cut up two credit cards in the last two months so we're down to one and working on paying them all off. We're excited about the way He orchestrated that and how it's taking us to another place of not relying on credit but on Him to pay all the bills. He's working it all out according to His timing and His will.

Four weeks

Tomorrow will be four weeks on one paycheck. I'm praising God that He has sustained us this far. I'm praising God that my faith has (mostly) lasted this long. Usually I'm the one who breaks down and has fears and questions. I've been able to hold on this time and work on my trust. It's a daily choice.

I'm working on applying everywhere I can. The problem is simply that I don't get paid during the summer b/c I'm not contracted like a classroom teacher is. I'm hourly. So there's potential that I have a job in the fall. I'm planning on that actually, even though I haven't actually heard if the contract with the school has been signed or not. Huh. Things that make you go, hmmmmm. Definitely. So I'm starting to wonder about asking my boss for unemployment. All the "normal" retail places you think of for summer work (ie. Target, Barnes, Starbucks...) aren't hiring. I've looked into temp agencies and haven't heard back. I've looked at hotels, things outside of my degree. I've checked Craigslist and nanny agencies and applied to more than I can count. And yet.... I sit.

We have 2 more months to get through before school starts. The Lord provided an excess in June. No idea how it worked out but there was enough for what was needed and enough for some extra that happened b/c of the move across town. And this month; one paycheck and still the bills are getting paid. Thanks in part to my dear friend who felt called to help. Again, it makes no sense what-so-ever, specifically on paper. We're not going hungry. We're not doing much that costs money. And we're still believing.

I feel a little like the widow in 2 Kings 4:1-7. The more jars the woman had the more oil she had. It just continued to pour out. Where did it come from? It stopped flowing when there were no more jars to fill. I have a note in my Bible, from a sermon at some point, stating that when there were no more jars, they limited God's power. This story has come to my mind in the past few days. It makes me think about how long I'm willing to trust that God has something, how long am I willing to wait on His timing and trust His provision even when it's not possible on paper? How long am I willing to trust in my God who is able to do the impossible? I guess it's made me question myself and our situation. She trusted what the wise man said to be true and was provided for. Am I able willing to keep trusting? Granted, I don't feel like I have lots of options at this point. So I'm waiting for that oil to keep pouring out, hoping that I have more jars to fill it with, and praying that the oil keeps flowing.

Summer...

is about believing
is about sunshine and basking in His glory
is about promises fulfilled
is about waiting on Him
is about friendship - old and new
is about time together
is about family
is about forging ahead into what continues to be the unknown

Summer is about believing.