Big fat red F

According to Merriam-Webster, failure is omission of occurrence or performance, a lack of success, or a falling short. These are the words that have marred my thoughts in the last week. 

My last blog was about my ability to fight, my ability to trust in who God has made me to be and the gifts He's given me. I haven't lost those truths, but every day gets a little harder for me to keep fighting. It's not even a fight for my identity as much as it's a fight for my sanity. 

(sometimes we fail when it seems so obvious)

I had this idea that moving was going to be great, that we'd come home and reconnect and I'd be on the job front quickly and something would come quickly. I had expectations that it would be easy and I totally forgot what the job hunt looks like. I didn't really know these expectations existed because it just all seemed natural. We've moved across the country twice before and there have been hard times, but there's always the excitement of the move that replaces other emotions until you arrive. 

 

After being here for three weeks, there are realities that are setting in, like the lack of a routine or schedule to fill my day. Many people encourage me to enjoy this time for what it is because having a job will make it busy again. I understand that, but it's hard to fully do that when I know my household relies on a second income. 

So I've started processing the thought that this move has been a failure. 

Here me out on this. We didn't have this thunderclap of the Lord telling us it was time to move home. There was no writing in the sky. We moved because our hearts were ready to be back with family. We believed in the timing and believe that the Lord loves us. We believe He will bless us no matter where we are because we can do His will everywhere. In essence, we took a step of faith, believing in His love and favor over us. The only way that really translates into failure is because it doesn't look exactly the way I wanted it in the time I expected it.

I would rather keep moving forward, keep stepping out in faith and trying things instead of living a life that is safe. I would rather jump with Him and watch as He carries my wings to heights I wouldn't have imagined. So while it may look like failure because it falls short of my expectations, I'm choosing to see this as a positive step of faith.

Do I measure up?

Hello, my name is Rochelle and I'm a social media stalker.

Blogs, Instagram, Twitter, Reddit - I stalk all of them (except Facebook - ewwwwww). Once in a while I try to actually engage and leave comments or post, but that's not the norm.

I think that I stalk because I love a good story, a good encouraging quote or meme that reminds me that I'm not alone in thinking that this world is really a pretty great place. More than anything, stories remind me that the people we live with day in and day out are just as real as I am. Stories help me to connect with people, whether they realize I'm trying to connect with them or not. When I meet new people I love hearing about their lives. I love keeping in touch with old friends and hearing how the Lord has directed their journey. Stories are really important to me because they provide me with greater understanding.

The downside of stalking on social media and hearing stories is when I start comparing their accomplishments to my life. There are many, many people who have done a lot more than I have in less time. Most days it's fine because it's really interesting to hear the dreams God gives and watch them unfold, or to hear how they fill their days and live intentionally. There are other days when I begin to question myself and wonder, am I really measuring up? Am I really doing everything that I'm supposed to be doing? Am I dreaming as big as God is dreaming and allowing Him to work in my life to the fullest extent? Am I challenging myself to be everything that I can possibly be? These are not fun questions to ask because I don't always come up with the answers I want, or any answers at all.

This week I've started looking for a new job and these questions are also part of that journey. I recognize that there are many other people applying for the same jobs that I'm applying for and hoping for the same outcome. I also recognize that I'm not climbing the corporate ladder as fast as some of my colleagues and I have no idea how to go faster. There's also that little nagging concern about how high the ladder goes, and how high I really want to climb.

What I've been thankful for is that right now it's pretty easy to remind myself that I am enough. God only made one of me and I'm pretty sure He's quite happy with the person I am. I know that I am unique and that's all He's ever wanted for me. I'm writing these thoughts so I don't forget them, just in case the perfect job doesn't fall into my lap as soon as I'd like. It's my reminder that every story is unique, including mine.