Happy Birthday Jonathan

I remember being so happy when you born. In the midst of you not being alive, not breathing, I remember such a peace and joy about your birth. It was this long awaited thing and there was so much wrapped up in it because of your birth defects and diagnosis. But you were absolutely beautiful. This perfect little person. And there was great joy in who you were. Nothing else mattered except that you were with us. 

Happy Birthday little man. You are loved beyond words. We wish we had more time with you and can't wait for heaven.

The promise

Suffering sucks. It's not nice or fun. It hurts.

A wise man helped me this week to understand that Jonathan is my first real tragedy. There have been other troubles in my life, hard times, but his life is the one that has rocked me to the core. I've been resting for the past 9 months, and that has been so good. As I keep living though, there was the realization that there is work that needs to be done. There is discontentment with the outcome that changes the relationship. This friend talked about the grief wall, hitting that place that rocks our core. The choice we make about whether we process and walk through it, or back away from it, affects our lives forever.

As I'm processing this morning I thought about how we're promised suffering in the Bible. God doesn't ever paint a world for us that doesn't involve suffering. He's straightforward with us. What I find so lovely though is the end of the sentence.

"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Learning how to trust again means going back to His truth. It means looking at the black and white that I knew and figuring out what it looks like in the midst of gray. It's not a place of clear cut answers. It's a place of wrestling. I'm thankful that God is ok with my wrestling, probably really likes it actually because it means time with Him and that's really what He's excited about.

Are you wrestling? Do you know someone who's wrestling? I encourage you to be real, to be honest, to question things, and to respect the answers of those you don't agree with. We can't be afraid of open discourse where we might end up at different places.

Honest wrestling

I've struggled with knowing how to pray for a while now. I've come to this new understanding of the Lord, and it's pretty great because his love has been magnified. I get him now more than ever in my life. That changes the way I pray because I know that I'm His daughter and He wants my best more than I do.

So today I'm journaling (read processing and/or praying) and thinking about how we're not content and don't have these things we desire and wondering about how to pray for them. That's when I realize that part of why I don't know how to pray anymore is because as much as I know this God of mine and His amazing goodness, I may not actually trust Him as much as I used to. There's this whole problem with my son dying that I have to come to terms with.

We prayed for his healing, for all the defects in his little body to be complete and whole. But it didn't happen. The weirdest part is that I don't blame God because I know the truth about living in a fallen world and I believe that God wanted Jonathan with us more than we did. But more than ever before I realize how it has affected my faith and my prayer life. I don't trust Him to answer like I used to.

I have been blessed with the gift of faith, but I'm not sure where it's at right now. So that affects how I pray, what I ask for, or whether I ask at all. I'm able to say thank you but there's a lack of faith that I'm not sure how to fix right now.

Funny enough, I'd rather be in this place of wrestling to figure it out than without Him. I can't deny Him. He's still rooted deep within my soul, but this is an effect I haven't dealt with yet.

I can only encourage you to be real about your faith and your questions. It may not be fun, but I'm believing that it's worth it.

Forever

He's still part of me. He still affects my emotions, my feelings, and my actions. What I'm able to do, able to give, has changed. I think it's for a season, but I'm not positive. I recognize my limitations now more than ever before. Today I had to acknowledge my inabilities. I kind of hate them, but I have to recognize that they are real. 

I can't be at a friends baby shower. 

I can't meet a friends new baby. 

I can't attend a camp and give fully of myself. 

I can trust The Lord for restoration. I can rely on Him for hope when I feel like mine get smashed against the rocks. Like this week when I thought there was a chance, but a test told me there was no such thing. 

I'm learning to be honest with myself, with my emotions, and with others. I'm still learning how to trust others to care enough, how to be vulnerable. I'm learning how to not protect everyone else and to care about myself a little bit more. I'm learning what I need, what my heart truly desires. I'm also learning to do the things my heart beats for. 

Jonathan is in my subconscious all of the time and I'm thankful for the moments when he's allowed in the conscious. I am ony strong because I find my strength in The Lord, because I am allowing Him to touch and mold this horrible loss. 

Safe place

A woman gave her testimony at church this week, one of brokenness. My story is not like hers, but she brought hope. Jesus is hope. 

I'm different. The way I live is different. The way I interact with others is different. The way I interact with Jesus is different. I haven't known exactly what to do with all of that, especially as we figure out church. Being in this place on Sunday though, with this body of believers who were surrounding this woman with love and grace: I was safe. I cried. And cried. And cried. I cried like I haven't in months. I cried like I didn't know I needed to. I cried because I felt safe to cry, safe to let it all out. I didn't talk to anyone. I didn't receive any hugs or prayer. I just met Jesus. 

Jesus is hope. Though my faith has not waivered, though I stand firm in what I believe, how I interact with that truth has changed. And yet Jesus met me there. He is my hope. He heals the brokenhearted. Psalm 56:8 says that he keeps track of every sorrow and collects all my tears. Isaiah 53:4 says that he has borne our grief and carried our sorrow. Matthew 5:4 says blessed are they who mourn, for they shall be comforted. 

Jesus is hope, my hope. He will restore me. He will heal my broken heart. He will walk with me and carry me. He will not fail me. He will not forget me. Though I may have forgotten these words, He never left me. 

Do not give up. There is hope for restoration, for your future. Your mourning will turn into laughter, your sorrow into joy. Mine hasn't yet, not completely, but I know in whom my hope resides. I know I am safe in His arms, and so are you. I praise God today for time to weep and time to worship. 

Be

Do you have ever have that feeling where you need to vent your feelings? And it's not enough to vent them to a journal? I have this nagging feeling that I need to put out there for the world some of what's going on within me.

It seems strange, even to me, that the most recent things I have written still revolve around grief. Then I remember that it's only been 6 months and I don't feel so odd.

My experience. That's the only one I can share fully. I'm sure it's different, but maybe for someone it's similar. Maybe it provides hope to someone. Maybe it helps someone to see that they're not cracked. I know I feel it sometimes.

If you know me, you know that I am a shell of the person I used to be. My life before this time consisted of people. My nights, my weekends, my every waking moment was lived planning and scheduling people into my life. My husband was affected by this, but I didn't realize it. I was living the life I'd always lived, feeding off the relationships I was pouring into. I felt needed and probably didn't know the word "no." I didn't see any problem with this. I enjoyed it.

Today my world is drastically different, and I couldn't be happier. I find myself still speaking truth into people's lives, but only on occasion. It is no longer my desire to be surrounded by others. I enjoy nights like the one I'm currently in, where I sit with my husband and have a chat on the balcony listening to the Blues station my dad shared. I find peace in just being. I need rest after time with people, especially those who do not know the story. I am not myself in groups. I hold back, disengaging when I used to thrive.

I can't tell you the exact reason for the change though I have an idea. I do know the timing of the change. I'm thankful for the time, for the ability to process and feel in ways I never have before. As I see lives move on around me though, sometimes I feel stuck. I desire the things I'm missing. I listen to parents. I see babies. I experience greater joy upon birth than ever before, and yet the deepest sadness.

Some people get mad at God, or frustrated. I have no anger toward the one who created me. I know who He is. I know He's good and faithful. Even though my life looks nothing like what it used to, and there are things I greatly desire, He is not at fault for not having them. We live in a sinful, fallen world and there are crazy effects of that. They suck. They make life difficult at times. That doesn't change my Father though. And even though my relationship with Him looks drastically different than ever before, I'm so thankful that He hasn't changed.

Know that you're not alone. Know that He's got great plans for you. He loves you ever so dearly and wants your absolute best. He wants to hold you, walk with you, and take your worries. There is nothing in this life that will fulfill you like Him, and there is no place that will provide rest like Him. You are not crazy. You are not strange. Know Him, and be.

Teeter-totter

Balance is something we all strive for and, if you're like me, probably don't feel like you have achieved it very often. For me, this week was a reminder of how a little 1.5 pound man came into my life for a brief moment, and changed it forever. I'm thankful for the change, for the transition into a new season, and for the balance coming from it.

To achieve this balance I've taken some things out of my life, and I've found freedom and contentment in their place. Though I don't show my emotions very often outwardly, I am finding that my emotions are actually swayed pretty easily on the inside. More than anything, this causes discontentment in my life. Being a doer, an action person, also affects this. If you give me a list, my biggest goal of the day will include checking off everything on it. Even if the things on that list aren't life-giving, or necessary, they still need to be done.

This balance, and removal, process affects every part of my life. I'm figuring out what is necessary, what is good, what gives life, and what doesn't. I'm taking inventory of what I put into my life, what I allow into my life, and if it's needed or not. Ultimately, I'm working on taking care of my heart and finding contentment. I'm learning to say no and to set up boundaries. This means that I'm learning, slowly, how to not do everything and make everyone else happy.

1 Thessalonians 4:11 (ESV) and to aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands, as we instructed you

1 Timothy 2:2-3 (ESV) for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior

How are you finding balance? 

How are you practicing self-care?