We celebrated October birthdays at work on Thursday, and I almost cried. I had that small revelation that life is continuing, without you. My birthday is in 2 weeks and I realized that you won't be here with me to celebrate it. While other mommies are dressing their children for Halloween, I'll be thinking of you and what I would have put you in, or if I would have cared. Then there's Thanksgiving, right before you're due date. It will be a time of thankfulness as always, but also a time of remembering. You will not be there to experience your first turkey, or your first gathering of people who adore you.
I'm not sure what you're due date will be like. I have many days where I imagine what life would be like if you were still in my womb. I'm sure that day will be more of the same, thoughts about what life may have been like. I would be learning your sounds, differentiating between the coos to understand what you need. Cradling you in my arms would be my favorite past time, along with snuggling against your silky hair and smooth skin. My arms are empty without you. I want to be making new memories with you but instead I hold on to the memories that I have.
I see other babies and I think of you more and more. I think about how big you would be now, what you would be wearing and the things you would be learning. I think about how you would be affecting my life, how my schedule would be completely different. Daddy had a dentist appointment this morning and I ran some errands while I waited on him. I never would have thought that driving around town would make me miss you, but I did. I wanted you with me, hanging out in your car seat in the back, either sleeping or crying your eyes out as babies do. I just wanted you along for the ride, in my life and part of me. Some days the moving forward is more difficult. I miss you and I long for you to be with us.
Though I appreciate being back at work, I have felt so removed from you and your life. It makes sense, as my days are filled with projects and phone calls and details that don't involve you. It's been strange to almost feel like you are not real, simply because life continues. I assume this is natural, but it's a strange part of the journey, learning this process of moving on without forgetting.
